Keep wanting to be alone

[Neeky]

Hi, This is the first time posting. Three years ago I tried to take my life due to depression which I tried to ignore since 2010 after my Dad died from cancer. My husband children and family were shocked and angry which was to be expected. It took a long time before my husband felt comfortable enough to go away with his friends and leave me home alone due to not trusting me to tell him truthfully how I am feeling. He has been very supportive and is a Great husband and father. I feel that I don't deserve him or my children . I have this overwhelming urge to pack up and go find a place somewhere away from everyone and everything. I've stopped talking or contacting friends because I always feel I'm the one reaching out or making an effort to see them. I feel people don't really like me. I don't like myself and can't blame them really. I've always struggled with a low self esteem and have tried so hard to like or love me but just lately I've really given up. I'm tired of being disappointed or let down. My husband has a great circle of friends and so do my children. My son and his partner live in the same city but we never see them. My daughter lives 5 hours away with her husband and children and we see them occasionally. What I'm trying to say is that they would all miss me for a little while but things would get better for them and me. In the past I have tried to encourage my husband to find someone else but he always says I'm the only one he wants. I feel like he is the only thing keeping me here stopping me from going away as i dont want to hurt him again like i did 3 years ago. Don't get me wrong I would not try and take my life I just want to go somewhere isolated away from everything.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Neeky,

Welcome to the forums. We’re really glad you could share here, it’s a really brave step to have taken. It sounds like there's been a lot going on for you over the last few years, and we can hear you just want to be away sometimes. We can also hear you have so much care and love for your family, that's really lovely. 

We’re reaching out to you privately. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support. You can also reach them through Online Chat, here.

Another option would be ringing Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), which can talk this through with you and help you to plan for your safety. The Beyond Blue safety planning app might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[white knight]

Hi Neeky, welcome

I've been where you've been. In my 20's to separate myself from people I took off several times to the hills to live in a tent- forever!. It didnt work, eventually settling in a small country town- the compromise, and it worked well.

In a situation whereby your life includes a suicide attempt or even just thoughts, I believe a radical range of options should be discussed with your family members after serious thought. Changes can include-

• A move to the country from a city
• A move to be closer to family members
• Removal of toxic people from our lives
• Employment and occupation, full time to part time
• Ways to keep busy and productive
• Spiritual homing
• Forums, support network, GP visits
• Acceptance - not extending yourself socially to be like others

I have several threads below to read but you only need to read the first post of each. Low self esteem, meditation ideas and other subject that I investigated when my troubles began many years ago.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/ugly-what-is-beauty-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival (there is also parts 2 and 3)

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/do-we-expect-a-smooth-road-in-life

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/meditation---words-of-wisdom---it-helped-me-for-25-years (this one has several links that will be helpful)

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/accepting-yourself-the-frog-and-the-scorpion (this one tackles individuality- you are who you are)

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/being-withdrawn-to-achieving-confidence

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/inner-peace-the-glory-of-being-you

I am very interested in what you think of those. Feel free to chat away as members are free to continue their discussion.

TonyWK

[Neeky]

Thankyou Tony I will have a look at them. My husband has retired due to my attempt at taking my life but I have continued to work 2 days a week which I do enjoy, it keeps my mind busy. I also go running but lately I've been finding that hard.

[geoff]

Hello Neeky, can I take the greatest care and deeply sympathise with you and want to thank Tony for the links and advice he has provided to you.

Sometimes you have to forgive your friends from not contacting you because it's not that they don't want to help you but so unsure on how to handle your position or what they think are allowed to talk about but sincerely still love you.

Your husband may now go away with his friends but that's different than allowing you to be by yourself and going away.

Everybody is different when feeling this way and I also wanted to be by myself and go away but a comment from my wife made me realise that I needed to stay at home, which I did to continue my therapy.

There are many people who are supporting you and have possibly been in the same position as you but eventually seen the light who want to help you all the way but certainly feel the way you are struggling.

My best.

Geoff. x