I think I'm addicted

[imtrying_]

I've been self-harming semi-on and off since 2018. Over the past year and more specifically the past few months, it hasn't stopped. I still don't know why I do it. Life's just gotten so hard because there's so much pressure for me to do well in year 12.

People don't care anymore. Whenever someone notices they'll say something like 'not again' and just roll with it when I laugh it off. Maybe they just don't know what to do.

The scariest thing is sometimes I do it even when I don't want to. Like, the other night I was in bed and I just started and I wanted to stop and I couldn't.

I can't tell if I'm going to kill myself or not. I can't tell if I want to. I don't care about anything anymore. I use to care so much about the people I would be leaving behind. Now I just can't bring myself to care how they'd feel if I did go through with it. I probably won't. idk.

Every single day this week has been depressive episode after anxiety attack after self-hatred. I just don't know how I'm supposed to do this for much longer. I'm not good at school, I can't bring myself to study and every time I try I get distracted or just stop out of nowhere. I'm going to fail everything and it's my own fault because I have no motivation to ever do anything. And everything I do do is wrong and bad.

I keep getting conflicting advice. 'your atar won't matter, it's just a number'. 'it's going to get harder and you need to try harder'. 'you don't have to get into a uni'. 'just keep going a piece at a time and get things done'. I'm not good at this, and I can't get better at it.

last night I was so tired that I passed out before i could self-harm. I still want to die. idk how to end this.

[Sophie_M]

Hi imtrying, 

We are so sorry to hear just how much you're struggling right now. From what you've written here, it sounds like you're carrying a lot of stress and completely overwhelmed by some intense thoughts and feelings. We can also see that you are doing your very best and working so hard to keep yourself as safe as possible. 

We are concered about you and will be reaching out to you privately to offer further support. We also want you to know that if you are considering suicide, this is an emergency and you should call 000 straight away. 

If you think it could be helpful, we would also encourage you to call LifeLine on 13 11 14 or Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467, as they will be there to talk about how you are feeling. You can also call us on 1300 22 4636 to talk about these feelings. Our team are here to help you when you are feeling distressed. 

We hear that you are going through a huge amount right now, but we want you to know that we are here for you. You are not alone, please contiune to share with us on the forums how you are feeling and what you are experincing, as so many of our community members understand how truly awful it is to feel and think how you do at the moment.  

[Positive_vibes89]

Dear imtrying_,

Please don't take your life today. The world is so much better with you in it. More than you realise, stay. You may not feel like you are special or valued but you are. Suicide and self harm is something which should not be taken lightly no matter the circumstances. Those people who say "not again" or "laugh it off" have no understanding of what may be happening in your world. Don't take notice of those people they just dont have the maturity to realise their actions/words are offensive or harmful. Year 12 sounds really hard, I never made it that far I was "too dumb" to get to that point. May I suggest considering seeking a job/traineeship/apprenticeship and leaving school instead. It sounds like you need to leave that toxic environment completely for your mental health. It seems its a huge weight upon your shoulders. Have you been able to speak to your parents about how you are feeling? But you do also need to ask yourself what is it you want? do you want to go to university or are you happy just seeking employment etc. Don't listen to the advise of others, think about what it is you want. I learned to stop pleasing others years ago and to start only doing what makes me happy. I do also suggest speaking to your school councillor about how you are feeling. I am concerned about you addiction to self harm. Do you think it could be obsessive compulsive behaviour as well? A GP would be able to help find out the cause of this, it could also be a OCD behaviour used as a meansof a coping mechanisum. I use lip biting and picking when im stressed or anxious that is a means of self harm when I look at it. Please seek some support from a social worker or a mental health support service. You need some support with what you are going through. It is so hard to carry this burden on your shoulders alone. Let somone else help you.

Sending hugs your way

Tee

[Lucyyyyy]

hey

i feel like I was meant to come across your post.

i can relate to how you feel, I have self harmed in the past, during a really stressful time with high pressure work and a shitty relationship, and no one really cared about me at the time either…

I can tell you a couple of things, especially about school. your atar does not matter one bit. I got an average atar because I didn’t really care, even though I’m intelligent. I chose to travel for a couple of years after school then went to uni by sitting the stat test that you do if you are over like 19. I got in the 90% range, it’s really easy. And uni is wayyy easier than school. I ended up with good grades and started on a 6 figure salary straight out of uni. and you know what - my atar didn’t matter one effing bit.

so f school. f the hsc. or whatever it is in your state. you could literally fail your hsc, go chill for two years, sit a mad easy test and do whatever the hell you want. your atar is not worth self harming for and school and some losers at school are not worth killing yourself for.

a hard part for me was also realising a lot of ppl don’t care when you are hurting. they might a little but then they are just too self involved to care. I was working 12 hour days with a boyfriend that didn’t care that I was suicidal and depressed, and in the end I realised that he wasn’t going to help me and so I eventually got the hell away from him, moved to a different town and met the love of my life. I stopped harming myself and dragged my mental health out of the gutter and now I’m on a really good path.

if you can shift your focus away from school and atar and loser kids at school who will probably end up fat and ugly anyway, you will see that once school ends your entire life will change, however you want it to. like you could honestly just quit school now, go be happy somewhere for a couple of years and then go to uni. you have freedom, even if you can’t see it now.

I don’t know whether you have thought about seeing a psych? they haven’t done much for me but a couple of my friends find them super helpful for dealing with stress. if you really feel like you aren’t coping at least talk to a good doctor, they can be pretty helpful at times.

sending you so much love and light!! school sucks but you truly are free to choose your life.

x

[Positive_vibes89]

Hi Lucyyyy,

What you have said about kids at school is so true!! Kids do not realise how their behavours damage others. And also it can do this long term into adulthood. Kids can be so horribly mean. I was majorly bullied at school by the "pretty" girls. I look at them now and not many are as successful as I am. Many of them have ended up marrying unattractive men or are still single because they cant hold onto a man. Funny about that maybe they are not so "beautiful" after all. They Reached their so called peak at school and that was the end of that. You are also so right about education. I failed school and I got into uni as a mature age student a few years later! Mind you I would not have had the maturity and resilience to committ to this after leaving school. I did not need a atar as a mature age, just life experience. I believe that you don't ever know what you want to do when you are young. Im 33 and ive just found an interest in nursing. I have had quite a few career changes, I regret nothing. I hope this is the last time! But I think you have put all this into a really good perspective for imtrying_. Great job!

Tee 🙂