I'm just curious.

[clawbia]

For the last couple of years, I've been getting impulsive(?) thoughts about me wanting to 'make myself blind' in a sense. I don't have any reason to do this, it's not like I want to be blind or anything similar to that, so I don't why the thought even crosses my mind sometimes. I often times envision what the future would look like if I were to do this, I feel like there's a common thread of me just wanting to seek attention, but those are usually irrelevant(just extremely common with my anxiety and such).

What's more important than thinking about the future, is what would happen while I was actually to go through with it.

When I think about that, I do in grotesque details; like how it might feel, how it would look, would I regret it, etc. but that doesn't deter me from ever thinking about it again.

So I was curious if this is nothing but a strange fixation, or may be a part of a larger problem.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Clawbia, & welcome to the forum. I don't know if I can answer your questions.

I only have questions to ask you to consider for yourself.

I would like to know if you are already seeing someone, who helps you with your anxiety, & if so, have you spoken to them?

I think your last question, & in a way, through out your post, you are wondering if this is serious or nothing much to worry about. I can't tell how much or little you are concerned about it. How much time do the thoughts take up? Are you so involved with the thoughts that you lose your sense of where you are & what you were doing? I mean, how much is it interfering with your life?

You seem to also dismiss the importance of the idea that this could be another way of you 'attention seeking', but somehow that cannot be important. People need attention for many difficulties they have, things they don't have but need, things unattainable, denied, or no one has considered you might need.

I am wondering, if in your thoughts, how much are you being cared for?

I am not expecting you to answer my questions, Clawbia, just think them over.

Reading your post, I think you could write everything down, all the feelings, thoughts, ideas, in vivid detail, legibbly or type it up on your computer, so you can read it back to yourself. See if anything stands out for you. What you see might be different to what I have seen tonight. Your reaction to my post, your writing, write that, too.

If you are seing someone about your anxiety, I think talking about this would help you, if anything, to determine how serious or not it is.

I imagine more people will be by with their own thoughts, soon.

mmMekitty

[james1]

Hey clawbia,

Thanks for posting here and welcome to the forums!

I think mmMekitty had some really fantastic questions and suggestions, because a lot of symptoms or habits have many possible root causes. And in saying that, I do not even mean that there is anything wrong going on, as I don't really know what it is like to live in your shoes right now. It could be as simple as, maybe you watched a movie recently and it's left a lasting impression somehow.

But it does strike me that you've come to our forums and posted in this particular area, so I am wondering if you are struggling with something at the moment. You're free to tell us as much or as little as you like, and we will be here for you.

Otherwise, if it's not a thought that is bothering you or impacting your life, it may also be one of those things that comes and goes. Even intrusive thoughts are just thoughts, and if they don't bother us or compel us to do something, they can often be quite harmless and will pass. I think that's very normal. But the more they bother us and we start wanting to act on them, then it becomes important we seek professional help to manage and maybe find out what's going on beyond just having a bad day.

[Croix]

Dear Clawbia~

I'd like to join mmMekitty in welcoming you to the Forum. I'm glad you have met as mmMekitty has given you a pretty comprehensive set of ideas to think about and hopes you have someone to talk this over with .

I can only speak form my own experiences, which may not have the same cause or results as your own, however I have suffered from an anxiety condition for a pretty long time, now thankfully mostly under control.

Earlier on when life was very hard due to my anxiety coupled with depression and PTSD I sometimes wished I'd get some sort of fatal disease. It did not seem to make sense but it was a genuine hope.

Looking back later on and wondering about this I came ot the conclusion it was not the fatality that attracted me, but the idea of things being 'taken out of my hands'. No worry, no responsibility, no having ot deal with the horrible things in life myself.

I am no doctor so cannot pass judgment on the seriousness of your thoughts and impulses, except to echo mmMekitty and strongly suggest you seek medical advice. After all the consequences could be unimaginable.

Incidentally I think 'attention seeking' is a red herring. In passing I'll say if one seeks attention it is because one needs it - quite human and legitimate. In my own case I told nobody, so attention seeking was irrelevant anyway.

As you mentioned you had anxiety I hope you do not mind if I ask if you have medical support for this? I never improved until I did.

What do you think? I hope you come back and talk some more

Croix

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