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Just give me a break!

Kitty88
Community Member
I cant catch a break, it's literally one thing after another and noone understands! Today again I got bad news regarding my health.. I honestly can not win! This life I have is hard, and it's sad, I shouldn't have to suffer. All I ever wanted was to be a mum and now it's like I can't be the mum I wanted and it hurts me.. I know my child can do way better! I love him endlessly 
68 Replies 68

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Kitty88~

I've not spoken to you before, so we do not know each other, however your life and what has happened to you has touched me, perhaps because although my life has been very different we have been in much the same place - with no hope and great despair.

Yes, people apply band-aids to fix deep ongoing wounds. I found the world does have more to offer, but you are not realy in a place to believe me now.

So can I offer two things?

First I do not know what rock you are speaking of that you have lost, if it is your son then go into that hospital -there is no bar to doing so except lack of hope- so why not?.

When in the psych ward I have felt it a waste of time - time that hurt. It was not a pleasant place (I go in public) and to start with that made me feel worse as I was sorry for the others in there who were suffering too in their own ways.

As time went on the pressures of everyday life with disaster after disaster got a bit less. I remember looking out of the frosted window in the smoker's room - it only opened about 10 cm - and looking down from the 5th floor to the ground. A little courtyard wiht trees as seen from above over green grass.

Birds flitting from one tree to another. A glimpse of pavement, road and shops, car passing by and people going about there daily business, hurried and busy.

I was remote from it all, not even much sound came up.

That helped, not sure why.

Second: I have a retreat from life I go to for a few minutes, many people do. I'll tell you of mine.

I'm standing on a meadow on the side of a cliff, the turf cropped short by sheep. The horizon goes most of the way around, all grey sea meeting grey clouds. Waves driven to shore, whitecaps flying. The wind is cold, strong and gusty, making me lean into it.

I watch dark squalls of rain approach over the sea until they hit me, water running down my face like tears. But below my neck I'm snug and dry.

A seagull whizzes past on half furled wings, carried by the wind.

I see the world has other things than me in mind, it is so much larger and that can be a comfort.

If you would like to talk to me I'd find that a kindness

Croix

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Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Kitty88~

I'm just popping in to see how you are.

There's absolutely no need to reply unless you felt like it. My idea was to simply let you know are not completely alone

Croix

Hi Kitty88,

Just checking in on you……. I just wanted to share something with you…

“ When we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey.”

Wendell Berry

Kitty88
Community Member
Thanks so much for your reply, it means alot but I feel so alone and lost.. noone gets me! I have tried so hard but far out when does it end?

Kitty88
Community Member

Things have been tough, I ended up going to hospital and staying 2 weeks and came home last week, I then came out and was unable to get my meds and then when I finally got them they were changed around and ended up with bad withdrawals. 

My headspace has been really bad,  I feel noone or nothing can help me anymore and I am so exhausted I don't want to keep having to go through this fight.

I feel so alone lately and tired, Why fight tirelessly for something that won't ever change and will never be good enough... I've tried hard for a long time now.

Kitty88
Community Member

Thanks for posting my last reply but things are to much, it's all so hard, there's only so much a person can take before they can't take anymore!

Hi Kitty88,

 

Im so sorry things seem hard for you at the moment.

 

Im sorry that your meds where changed around and you had bad withdrawals, where you able to talk to your doctor about this?

 

Can you tell me what will never change?

 

We are here for you Kitty88,

Kitty88
Community Member
This life just doesn't get any easier. The pain just won't stop, these stressors don't ever go away, I can never just get a break. I'm hurting, I'm tired but I feel like I'm numb or like detached in a sense too if that makes sense. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I want it to stop, I want it all to go away 😭

Hi Kitty88,

 

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

 

I understand that life is hard sometimes, do you want to talk  about your stressors ? Im here to listen without judgement.

 

Im sorry you are feeling detached do you feel it would be helpful to have a chat to your gp about the way you are currently feeling?

Kitty88
Community Member

I don't know if I can keep doing this, I've been waiting 2 weeks already for a bed in a psych hospital to get help. In the meantime my head's going crazy and tomorrow is a hard day, its my dad's 1 year since he died unexpectedly. I wanted to be in hospital for that because I still carry alot of guilt over that. On-top of that the voices and paranoia are crap and I can barely sleep. I'm losing my mind, how much can one person can take?