Hi Matilda
It is such a truly painful torturous place to be in, the depths of depression. As I said to someone just recently, rock bottom definitely has a feel to it. It's the worst and darkest part of depression. I hope, with all my heart, I can offer some light.
With you mentioning the nature and the birth of the thoughts you try so hard to manage, I cant' help but wonder about their nature as well as what it is that gives birth to them. The reason I wonder takes me back to the years where I struggled so much with such deeply depressing internal dialogue. While I still work to manage periods of depression for various reasons that make sense to me, nothing compares with long term depression and how the dialogue wears you down over time.
In looking back I see the dialogue differently now. When once I believed it to be soul destroying, I now see it in a different light. For me to hear 'You are hopeless' was in fact the truth. No one had led me to hope, therefor I was without it and that was not my fault. I wasn't though I hadn't been trying to find it for so long. To hear 'You just can't live like this anymore' was in fact the truth. I couldn't keep on living through sufferance, in such darkness. To hear 'No on loves you' was a kind of truth, to a degree. No one loved me in the ways I really needed them to. How to love me out of depression? I had no idea but it wasn't up to me to work it out. It was the job of those around me to love me in so many different ways that eventually someone would hit on the right one. To hear 'You have to let go' was perhaps the saddest most depressing one of all. I eventually came to realise what that one was really about. Can recall sitting on my own one day when these words played over and over in my head. Pushing me, something told me 'Just let go' and so I trusted and did. In that moment I let go of trying to please everyone. I let go of not being my natural self, so as to be 'approved' of. I let go of not trusting that there was something soulful guiding me in some way. I let go of pretty much everything and balled my eyes out. Finally, I was me. Up until that point, I had never fully been me. The relief was overwhelming and the revelation was mind altering.
