Hi Mojo
My heart goes out to you with you still experiencing life in ways that have brought you no closer to feeling a sense of joy and other such emotions. I can't help but wonder whether you've been able to make sense of how everything's played out, in hindsight. Any significant revelations that have come to mind? While I've found it can feel impossible to make sense of things in life as I go along at times, hindsight can be incredibly revealing.
I've found, regarding my 22 year marriage, going all the way back to the beginning has helped me make greater sense of why my husband and I are not in such a good place now. How we began our relationship and where we are now are very different places in a sense. Whether it involves our habits, our beliefs, our sense of identity, our emotions etc, who he is and who I am now involves us being very different from each other in certain ways. While we began very much the same, I can see how and where our paths began to separate under certain conditions, under certain challenges or opportunities. In the very beginning of a relationship there may be no great challenges, in the way of what challenges us as individuals and what challenges us as a couple.
Besides my 2 kids raising me in a whole lot of different ways, the other thing that's raised me or helped me graduate through life (to become a different person) is the desperation to not remain in a depression. If my consciousness is raised then my spirits are raised through these revelations. Works the other way too, at times. If my spirits are raised somehow (leading me to high end emotions), my perspective is able to shift which can raise my level of awareness. It definitely helps to have people around us who can raise such things in us. On occasion I spend time raising myself, through choice or sometimes no choice but to do so. While I left long term depression behind me many years back, my fear of returning to long term depression is what pushes me to develop in different ways. While I still experiences depressing periods, my determination to make my way out of them is a driving force. Out of the many things I've learned over the years, amongst the top 5 mind altering life changing revelations would be 'I am not who I think I am or believe myself to be'. For example, I could say 'I am not someone who would benefit from ______'. I could then go on to explore or try _______ (out of desperation) and discover this is something I actually thrive on. My initial belief about who I am is proven to be wrong.
While you're obviously already a somewhat open minded person (otherwise you wouldn't have come to the forums or have explored finding a therapist), perhaps the question now may be 'What else could I consider opening my mind to?'. While you're happy being an atheist who is perhaps contemplating the possible benefits of certain philosophies, Buddhist philosophy holds some fascinating revelations in my opinion, especially when it comes to suffering and relief from suffering. While I'm a gal who began life as a Catholic, I'd regard myself nowadays as simply being a collector of constructive philosophies and practices from a wide variety of offerings.
