Just another human who's had enough of life

LostMojo · ‎07-04-2021

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Like everything else in my life, it seems pointless. I'm posting my nonsense on a random website so that complete strangers will acknowledge and empathise with me. Nobody close to me has. Not that I've really opened up about it. How the hell do you do that? I've pretty much decided that I've had enough of my life and it's time to leave it. I imagine those close to me being a little shocked and maybe saddened but not completely surprised that I ended my life, then carrying on like nothing happened. In time I'll be a distant memory, like an old injury. I feel tired, heavy like a burden, a waste of space, useless. Seriously, what's the point in drifting through days and nights filled with conflict, misery and feelings of hopelessness? If I went away, those around me would be free to enjoy their lives without the darkness that I bring.

This is from my favourite song: "As my anger shouts at my own self-doubt, so a sadness creeps into my dreams. When you're scared of living but afraid to die, I get scared of giving and I must find the faith to beat it."

But I can't...

Sophie_M · ‎07-04-2021

Hi LostMojo,

We understand that things are tough for you right now and that you are in a hopeless place. It sounds like you it has hurt you that your loved one have not been able to empathise with you. We have reached out to you privately and would like to offer you support.

We recognise that you are very overwhelmed and that you have really had enough. We would like to assure you that you matter and the world would not be better off without you.

We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

You can also contact MensLine Australia, which is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/

You are not alone and there is support here for you. Keep returning to the community, we are here to help.

Matchy69 · ‎07-04-2021

Hi LostMojo I welcome you to the forums and am so sorry you are struggling so much.I hope you can ring one of those numbers Sophie has given you.Your life is worth something and you are worth something even if you can't see it at the moment.
You have caring people on here who are listening.
Take care,
Mark.

Giraffe · ‎07-04-2021

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. Please keep reaching out for help.

LostMojo · ‎29-04-2021

I'm sure I used to be happy, once upon a time. But now I'm stuck in an empty, loveless marriage. Relationship with #1 son (adult) hot the rocks recently. Relationship with #2 son (child) is horrible, due to my constant yelling at him because of his behaviour. This in turn causes arguments with my wife (refer empty, loveless marriage). I have problems connecting with people, unintentionally making them feel uncomfortable. I can't work out why. So I just want it to end. All of it. This whole pathetic excuse for a life that I find myself hating more and more as I shuffle through the tail end of it, waiting for the inevitable crash. Please let it be soon...

Sophie_M · ‎29-04-2021

Hi LostMojo,

Sorry to hear that things are quite tough with your family. It's hard when we want our home to be a safe sanctuary and things are not working out as well as we'd like. It must be so difficult to be in a relationship that's strained and having to work with the children as well. Please always know that there is hope for you.

If things get too much please call Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

There's MensLine Australia which is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/

Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.

Or Beyond Blue Support Service who are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

You are not alone and we are here to support you.

felix mendelssohn · ‎29-04-2021

Hi there Mojo,

You read like a very grounded person. May I ask how long these feelings have been present? Do you think you're having a strong reaction to troubling events or is it a slow accumulation of feelings that is now coming to a head? I'm also very curious as to whether you've pursued professional support; if you're feeling this way and you haven't then I would say you really need to at least give it a go. My understanding is that this site is best used to complement and support real world action. The people hear can empathise, relate, reflect and encourage you, but we don't necessarily know how to formulate the personalised strategies that might help you out of this.

I really don't know if you'll ever read this, let alone respond to it, but I would like to know if you have a prevailing philosophy in life? What actually matters to you? Are you religious? Cynical? I would rather ask this directly than spend a lot more time ascertaining it indirectly. I hope this doesn't, as you put it, unintentionally make you uncomfortable. 🙂 With this in mind it would be easier for myself and others to evaluate your position through your lens and maybe make realistic suggestions.

Also just want to add it's fricken hard being a man - we're meant to be impregnable bastions of resilience, aptitude and fortitude, providers for all, self-sacrificial when necessary. We're conditioned to be unable to ask for or receive help when we desperately need it, and indeed to feel shame when we do. With that in mind it's great that you've sought support and you've overcome a massive hurdle in doing so. 🙂

Would be great to hear from you again.

Felix

Giraffe · ‎29-04-2021

How are you doing?

Matchy69 · ‎30-04-2021

Hi LostMojo that happiness you once had can disappear and become a distant memory and like a completely different life.The strain with your marriage and with your children will be making you feel more alone and depressed.So many people don't understand depression and how it effects someone but their are people who do and professionals to talk to anything is worth a try.kChildren need their father what ever age they are.

Take care,

Mark.

LostMojo · ‎16-05-2025

Hi Felix,

Things haven't improved in the 4 years since I posted my note. It's only now that I've thought about BB again, so had to recover my password etc because it's been so long. Still hating my situation and wishing I could be anywhere else but here. Sleeping in the guest room and barely talking to my wife. The atmosphere is horrible. I think of death way more often than I should and would give anything to enjoy my life and be happy. Someone once told me that to be happy you only need three things: someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. I feel like I have none of those. Or maybe one.

"You read like a very grounded person." Really?

"May I ask how long these feelings have been present?" Soooo many years. I think they've got worse as I've grown older.

"I'm also very curious as to whether you've pursued professional support..." I did - got a few referrals via GP and a scheme through work. I really liked my therapist but felt like the sessions we had were doing nothing real to help me or improve things.

"I really don't know if you'll ever read this, let alone respond to it..." How's 4 years later?

"I would like to know if you have a prevailing philosophy in life?" Great question, but not sure I can answer it.

"Are you religious?" I'm very comfortable with my atheism.

I've no idea who I am any more. I've spent so much time wanting to be different, trying to behave differently in different ways... I've lost touch with myself. I read something online recently about looking after yourself while you're unhappy. I think there's some stuff about creating a plan on this site too. Sometimes I tell myself I'm going to do that - get healthy, eat better, walk, swim, cycle, something... but I don't. Part of me thinks my partner will resent me even more if I start doing things to make me feel better about myself.

But I'm waffling a bit now. More to the story but maybe another day...

Mojo