Hi Lilly18
I feel for you so much as you struggle painfully with knowing how to live. Knowing how to live is not always and automatic thing or and easy thing to manage, especially when facing what feel like impossible circumstances. My heart goes out to you so much.
I imagine you have a lot of faith in the particular GP you're waiting for, hence the desire to wait for them in particular or perhaps there aren't a lot of options where you live. Either way 'How to find what works until I can see them?' becomes the question. Smallwolf has offered a couple of suggestions that may come to provide you with relief and/or a sense of direction, regarding the link and the invitation to return here at any time. I think finding what works comes down to finding what or who it is that we can relate to vs what we can in no way relate to. To offer just a couple of examples
- When in the absolute depths of a depression, we may find ourself better relating to people who know what it's like down in the very depths (how dark it can get, what the inner dialogue sounds like down there, how it all feels etc). In no way can we relate to the unhelpful and dismissive advice 'You just need to get on with life'
- While we may be able to relate to a more intuitive type of therapist who's able to gain a really good sense of where we're coming from, we may not have any form of relatable connection with a textbook kind of therapist, who only applies what they've learned from textbooks
Wondering what it is that you wish people could relate to right now, more than anything else. To be in two minds sounds like one of the most tormenting things you face. That battleground can definitely become torturous and incredibly exhausting. As a gal who's faced ins and outs of depression for a few decades, I've found what works for me requires a bit of imagination. Kinda like 'If I could name the 2 things battling it out in my mind, what would I name them?'. My inner pessimist vs my inner optimist? The saboteur in me vs the sage in me that knows better? The old 'angel on one shoulder/devil on the other'? One of my 'inner demons' (such as my harsh and brutal inner critic) vs some divine part of me? The list of imagined aspects goes on. Plenty to choose from. I find giving whatever it is battling it out an imagined identity works in a number of different ways. For a start, I've found dialogue I can feel coming from a not so good place can't be trusted. On the other hand 'Wait 'til you see your GP' or 'Go on the Beyond Blue forums' is inner dialogue that can be trusted, as it provides a constructive sense of direction while such things hold the potential to help shed light (in the darkness). In other words, it can be the kind of stuff that can raise us toward the light at the top of the tunnel. Personally, I find the deeper I go into a depression the louder the darker dialogue becomes and the more often it comes (volume and frequency). As you'd know, the louder it becomes, the more incredibly convincing it becomes.
