It here again

[Scared]

My depression is severe today

Added to this is the loss of my girlfriend

She was my sole purpose in my life

Now im back to suicide research

as I really dont want to live anymore

I have nothing to look forward to in this life and I feel too old to start over again.

Death would be a welcome gift

I know there is no purpose in suffering all the time and its madness to do so
Last time I tried to end it I got so close to doing it

I always felt it was upsetting I didnt succeed and today I regret trying to get better because there is no getting better.

If people could  understand what its like living like this then maybe they would understand me better.

I try to be grateful for the last 8 years I had with girlfriend and the purpose it gave me but it doesnt stop the added grief ontop of my depression.

The cavalry are not coming to save me and thats whats changed for me.

I cant keep living for the sake of others wanting me to live.

[Scared]

I do have a vision of this monster.

And actually I wont call it a monster anymore.

I call it " the coward"

Coming to get me when my guard is down.  I have major depression and Im ready to look this coward in the eye.

But the coward is hiding as Im awake.

This cowardly monster doesnt even have the guts to come out and face an old sick man.

It just waits for my weak moment.

That makes me mad

[Eagle Ray]

That makes 100% sense that at the moment you can only react to the monster/entity. I was completely the same for most of my life with things that would come at me as a small child when I was trying to go to sleep at night. I’m now 50 and it’s literally only in the past few months that I’ve started to be able to do more than just react. Before I would flinch, exactly like the reaction to being burnt that you describe.

What has happened now is I have some helpers. These include people I’ve known who’ve been very important to me in the past and people I’ve felt some intuitive connection with. None of these people are currently in my life but they have formed into allies in my psyche who are always there for me. This didn’t happen consciously at all. It literally just began one day last February. So it is like my own psyche protecting itself.

In recent times I’ve had a dark entity like “the coward” you describe come at me at night as I’m going to sleep. It also appeared when I did a somatic exercise with my psychologist where my consciousness state was a bit altered and I was processing a childhood experience. One of my helpers/protectors has defended me from this being. In fact, one day my protector flattened him so that he became 2 dimensional and then took his foot off him to show he can’t get up and hurt me anymore. Another time he took him to a valley and buried him there which is like a regenerative place for transforming traumatic stuff into something healed and positive. These are the things my mind does to cope with these experiences. I don’t consciously think these things. They are like waking dreams where things unfold and get resolved somehow. I think I have learned to trust in the good to come and protect me from the bad. Sometimes bad stuff still happens, but I’ve also learned to let it go as not real, a bit like a bad dream.

Yes, you are not cruel and that means that you will have good in you that can act in your interests. I think the dark entities/things are linked to parts of us that have been mistreated in the past and appear as something to attack us. I think the psyche can build up a protective system based on knowledge of past good people and experiences that counter the dark stuff. I don’t know if it would help, but perhaps reflecting on one or two people who have been caring to you in the past may encourage a feeling of protection and safety when the dark intrusions happen. As you say, you may not be able to do this initially at the time, just react. But over time just inviting a sense of the kind presences in may lead to your psyche bringing forth these caring people to be there for you.

Take care,

ER

[Scared]

Today I had a nap again and the coward came to visit.

This time I went to look at it to find out what it wanted and the message it was carrying thru fear.

The coward told me it was carrying a message of loneliness so deep and terrifying.

As soon as I acknowledged that message it went back into hiding.

Wow that was the first time I had ever uncovered a cryptic message like this.

I know I am lonely for certain people but I never knew to the point in my subconscious that it manifested in terror.

I wanted to go deeper to find out what else is there but it went away too fast.

[Scared]

Does anybody out there feel frustrated and exhausted when trying to explain the depth and seriousness of our pain to friends.

I have given up trying.

I might tell them how hard it is and their response is to do something impossible for me to do.

OMG is anyone even listening

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Scared,

That seems good that you have some insight from the coward about the terror he is carrying. I have a part in me that carries terror and I know that this part does not really mean to harm me, but is just an expression of fear that didn't get to resolve (gradually working on it). For various reasons I think we can have different parts of ourselves that carry something for us. It is all part of our internal system that is actually trying to help us.

I think it's ok that the coward went away quickly because that's what he may need to do at the moment. Just go gently and things may unfold over time where you start to get a sense of more communication from that part and what he may feel or need.  You may be able to build some trust with that part and that can begin to transform the fear. I think just gently let things unfold with care.

Take good care and sending you peace and support 🙏

[Croix]

Dear Scared

It is good to hear from you, and htat you have come out of htat hosrpital exprenience wiht a pretrty good idea of hte good and bad in it.

It's true some doctors, particularly in  a hospital setting where they are always changing, do follow what has been set down without thought, and also have a heavily risk averse attitude.

 I recently. in a surgical ward, actually had to get the hospital supervisor to get the doctor to actually come see me in order to sort out meds, his version being inappropriate.

The good ones do question procedures and do take into account the views of the  patient.  The fact you have sorted out some of your meds is excellent, one does need a proactive voice in one's treatment.

I'm also glad you have a good psych nurse to assist.

Croix

[indigo22]

Hello dear Scared,

I am so pleased to hear from you, I had concerns for your wellbeing and from what you have said, they were justified.

I am really proud of you for doing your own research and for going through the formal complaint process. Not enough people do this and I hope it will be a wake up call to the doctors that they are not just dealing with a body, but a sentient being with all the feelings and emotions that come with that body.

I hope you are feeling better now that you are out of hospital. Were you able to talk to someone about your living situation? Are you still in the same place? I did make contact with another person who may be able to help if you have not had any success.

It is such a great pity that you have had to go through so much more trauma when your life should have been improving with the right meds. Are you on a medication now that is helping you? I wonder if there may be an "integrative medicine clinic" or "functional medicine clinic" somewhere near you. These clinics incorporate nutrition and natural medicines with western medicine and endeavour to treat the whole person, not just the symptoms.

I am so very pleased that you have been able to connect in a spiritual way through all you have been through these past months and I hope that connection will give you the strength to keep going forward with your healing journey.

I understand that writing here is more difficult at present and that is perfectly ok, just know that we care about you and will be happy to hear from you anytime you feel able.

Sending hugs and healing thoughts to you,

indigo 💜

[Dean07]

Hi Frustrated

I can relate to you finding it difficult to find anyone to share with. I went through a divorce after a 30 year marriage a couple years ago and had a similar experience. There were people that did understand but I expect others didn't know what to do or say.

I found an online men's group which meets once a week. The group is a great place to go and talk about how I feel to people who were struggling themselves and prepared to listen. What I did find powerful though was listening to other people and where they were at. The men come from all sorts of situations and problems. Some nights I don't get around to sharing my problems but just listening to the other men has given me a great sense of connection.

Group has helped me through some fairly tough times over the last couple of years.

[Scared]

Thanks for your input

[Scared]

Thank you. You are so sweet.

My friends found me a place to live and I move tomorrow.

No more cockroaches in my bed.

How could I possibly get better with roaches crawling on me at night.

I have a Pysc nurse now

She is trying to arrange a Pyschiatrist to get my meds changed.

Indigo I dont know how I survived those living conditions for so long.

Now its cold and that added another dimension to my misery as heaters are not allowed.  My new place I can have a heater.

I took my friend there and she nearly threw up at the conditions I had to live in.

However Im frightened at moving at how I will cope

It was so good to hear from you.

Thx for understanding I been absent so long.

I really have been in a scary place in my head

XX