It here again

[Scared]

My depression is severe today

Added to this is the loss of my girlfriend

She was my sole purpose in my life

Now im back to suicide research

as I really dont want to live anymore

I have nothing to look forward to in this life and I feel too old to start over again.

Death would be a welcome gift

I know there is no purpose in suffering all the time and its madness to do so
Last time I tried to end it I got so close to doing it

I always felt it was upsetting I didnt succeed and today I regret trying to get better because there is no getting better.

If people could  understand what its like living like this then maybe they would understand me better.

I try to be grateful for the last 8 years I had with girlfriend and the purpose it gave me but it doesnt stop the added grief ontop of my depression.

The cavalry are not coming to save me and thats whats changed for me.

I cant keep living for the sake of others wanting me to live.

[white knight]

Hi Scared.

That's sad, I have many thoughts of your great replies to other members.

Back in 1996 with my one and only attempt before I left my 1st wife (very much a narcissist) I decided if that event ever repeated itself I would do anything with my life except go ahead with it. When I joined BB back in 2013 I soon after wrote and article here outlining the thought-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical/td-p/47...

That thread in the 1st post includes a man I picked up hitchhiking and he turned into a jackaroo. So lets take the worse case scenario. You up and leave where you are, gather as much cash as you can muster in a few short days, then leave with a small tent, basic cooking utensils, clothes and a backpack. Where ever you go you'd be better off than in the situation you are in now. But there is a bonus- the chances of you changing your outlook would be better. You could follow the fruit picking seasons etc. Does this in any way give you any spark?

Losing your GF has to be one of the saddest moments.  Leaving my wife was easy, it was my 7 and 4yo daughters that was the hard part. But we survived and every fortnight it was painful taking them back as it was for them. Everyone is different and I'm the type that lands on his feet only after I fall in love again. I'm now happily married for 13 years, I've known her for 40 years. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/the-grief-of-separation/td-p/6357... 

I hope you can put faith in yourself as we appreciate your input here. Would you like to talk more? I dont want to bore you... is there a specific topic you would like to share?

In the meantime I hope you can attend your GP or an emergency Dept for the help you need.

TonyWK

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I hear so much pain in your words. The depth of your grief over losing your girlfriend, combined with severe depression, must feel overwhelming. From your post, it's clear how much she meant to you.

Your life has value beyond your relationship, even if that's impossible to see right now. Have you thought about speaking with your GP or perhaps a mental health professional about what you are going through? They can help you navigate both the grief and depression you're experiencing. You don't have to carry this burden alone.

Finally, and you may not want to hear this right now, but your life matters and you deserve support during this difficult time. Listening if you want to chat more...

[indigo22]

Dear Scared,

I am sorry you are feeling so low again.

You already know how I feel and there is nothing new I can say to you to make a difference.

The compassion you have inside of you for others, including myself, is remarkable. I only wish that you could apply that same compassion to yourself. We need more people like you on the planet, not less of them.

Thinking of you,

indigo

[Scared]

Thank you all who responded with your kind words.

I have been having treatment as Ive been suicidal.

Things are not better and im afraid all the time.

Words are fruitless to even get close to how much pain ive been in.

I know that others understand me 

I think what is troubling me most is I cant still see an end to this pain.

I tried being kind to myself and nursing my self .

What is worse some people here mock my mental health as some kind of amusement.

I cant tell you how deep that hurts me

My living conditions are already bad but this as well is too much to deal with.

I genuinely hate some people here.

I know im in safe company with you guys who respond to me and I wish i was surrounded by you so I can feel safe.

[indigo22]

Dear Scared,

It saddens me to hear you have been in, are still in, such a dark place. I know those depths and I would not wish them on anyone.

The people who mock you, don't know you. If they knew you, they would not think of being so hurtful.

Unfortunately, there are still too many people in this world who speak before thinking, causing others harm in the process. They are no better than the bullies on the school ground. If you can think of them in those terms, perhaps they will be become smaller and less effective in their behaviour.

You really do deserve to be in far better living conditions, it would make a difference to your mental health being somewhere clean and liveable. Have you exhausted all your options in getting help in this regard?

You definitely are safe with us. Could you try to picture each of us in your mind and when you feel afraid, see us surrounding you, keeping you safe?

To echo your words to me when I needed support - I have great respect for you - my wish for you is that you will someday soon no longer feel afraid and begin to live with a sense of safety.

Thinking of you,

indigo 🌻

[Scared]

I have tried to picture you already Indigo

I will think of you going to sleep tonight if thats ok

I wish i had you near to me as i feel safe in your words

I believe you do care

[indigo22]

Hi Scared,

Just wanted to check in with you and ask how you are today.

Did you manage to get some restful sleep?

indigo

[Scared]

Yes i get to sleep

Its the only respite i do get

Every morning I wake up in a nightmare that wont stop

Thx for checking in on me

[Croix]

Dear Scared~

I have to say I like the way you respond to other posters, you have a pretty unique ability being able to be blunt when necessary, and being warm and comforting, offering hugs, at other times.

OK, your life is horrible for now and has been for a long time, while it may not be much consolation at the moment that life has given you wisdom and empahty, gifts of great value that have benefited others here, not only the ones you speak to directly, but all the rest who read but never post.

It may seem too great a price to pay to keep on living just to guide others, and if that  was your whole future then that would seem almost reasonable to you, however you do not have a crystal ball any more than I do.

You did have a relationship for years the changed your life at the time. That ability to love is still inside you and it is not impossible you may find someone else, or they might find you. After all you have gathered around you here people that care, this is not automatic, it happens because you are you.

Yes, I know, this sounds like meaningless encouragement, however I found love after 50 and have had a wonderful partner ever since.

I'd like to return to a post you made in September when you asked if anyone has found a medication that had a very quick, long lasting and effective effect on depression. Around 10 years ago I took part in a test to see if a specific psychoactive drug would have an effect on depression. . It did!, within a few weeks my life had turned around.

I"m not pretending it is perfect and defeats all ups and downs, but it took away the fear I had of existing and has left me with a life I mostly enjoy and do not wish to end.

I'm afraid Forum Rules prevent me from naming the medication, a frustrating thing, and sadly it is not on PBS so can be expensive. However from your point of view it may let you see that by searching you may find a medication that makes a substantial difference, somethng you might not have believed in before. True everyone is different and it may not work on you, but that does not mean something else wont.

In your life not all doors are closed.

Croix