It here again

[Scared]

My depression is severe today

Added to this is the loss of my girlfriend

She was my sole purpose in my life

Now im back to suicide research

as I really dont want to live anymore

I have nothing to look forward to in this life and I feel too old to start over again.

Death would be a welcome gift

I know there is no purpose in suffering all the time and its madness to do so
Last time I tried to end it I got so close to doing it

I always felt it was upsetting I didnt succeed and today I regret trying to get better because there is no getting better.

If people could  understand what its like living like this then maybe they would understand me better.

I try to be grateful for the last 8 years I had with girlfriend and the purpose it gave me but it doesnt stop the added grief ontop of my depression.

The cavalry are not coming to save me and thats whats changed for me.

I cant keep living for the sake of others wanting me to live.

[white knight]

Hi Scared.

That's sad, I have many thoughts of your great replies to other members.

Back in 1996 with my one and only attempt before I left my 1st wife (very much a narcissist) I decided if that event ever repeated itself I would do anything with my life except go ahead with it. When I joined BB back in 2013 I soon after wrote and article here outlining the thought-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical/td-p/47...

That thread in the 1st post includes a man I picked up hitchhiking and he turned into a jackaroo. So lets take the worse case scenario. You up and leave where you are, gather as much cash as you can muster in a few short days, then leave with a small tent, basic cooking utensils, clothes and a backpack. Where ever you go you'd be better off than in the situation you are in now. But there is a bonus- the chances of you changing your outlook would be better. You could follow the fruit picking seasons etc. Does this in any way give you any spark?

Losing your GF has to be one of the saddest moments.  Leaving my wife was easy, it was my 7 and 4yo daughters that was the hard part. But we survived and every fortnight it was painful taking them back as it was for them. Everyone is different and I'm the type that lands on his feet only after I fall in love again. I'm now happily married for 13 years, I've known her for 40 years. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/the-grief-of-separation/td-p/6357... 

I hope you can put faith in yourself as we appreciate your input here. Would you like to talk more? I dont want to bore you... is there a specific topic you would like to share?

In the meantime I hope you can attend your GP or an emergency Dept for the help you need.

TonyWK

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I hear so much pain in your words. The depth of your grief over losing your girlfriend, combined with severe depression, must feel overwhelming. From your post, it's clear how much she meant to you.

Your life has value beyond your relationship, even if that's impossible to see right now. Have you thought about speaking with your GP or perhaps a mental health professional about what you are going through? They can help you navigate both the grief and depression you're experiencing. You don't have to carry this burden alone.

Finally, and you may not want to hear this right now, but your life matters and you deserve support during this difficult time. Listening if you want to chat more...

[indigo22]

Dear Scared,

I am sorry you are feeling so low again.

You already know how I feel and there is nothing new I can say to you to make a difference.

The compassion you have inside of you for others, including myself, is remarkable. I only wish that you could apply that same compassion to yourself. We need more people like you on the planet, not less of them.

Thinking of you,

indigo