It here again

[Scared]

My depression is severe today

Added to this is the loss of my girlfriend

She was my sole purpose in my life

Now im back to suicide research

as I really dont want to live anymore

I have nothing to look forward to in this life and I feel too old to start over again.

Death would be a welcome gift

I know there is no purpose in suffering all the time and its madness to do so
Last time I tried to end it I got so close to doing it

I always felt it was upsetting I didnt succeed and today I regret trying to get better because there is no getting better.

If people could  understand what its like living like this then maybe they would understand me better.

I try to be grateful for the last 8 years I had with girlfriend and the purpose it gave me but it doesnt stop the added grief ontop of my depression.

The cavalry are not coming to save me and thats whats changed for me.

I cant keep living for the sake of others wanting me to live.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Scared,

Just reading your post here and wanting to send you much love and support. You have had such a rough time. We are hearing you.

Hugs,

ER

[Scared]

Thank you

[indigo22]

Dear Scared,

I am so sorry you only got to experience feeling good for such a short time.

At least now you do know what is possible and I am wishing with everything that I have, that you will feel that way again once they get your meds right for you.

You have such a kind heart to help others while you are there, I hope some of that compassion is spilling over on to you. Hang in there, you are safe where you are and I feel sure you will be well again soon.

We are always here for you whenever you need us.

Thinking of you,

indigo 💜

[Scared]

Thank you

[indigo22]

Dear Scared,

We haven't heard from you for a few weeks, how are things going now?

Did the doctors sort out your medication after your bad reaction to the previous meds?

Please give us an update when you are able, we are all interested in your progress.

Thinking of you,

indigo 💜

[Scared]

Hello all my brothers and sisters.

A question....   Does anyone have this same experience as follows.

Sometimes when I have a daytime nap ( not often ) and as im in that twighlight zone between awake and sleep just when all your defences are down I have a monster appear.

The monster is this incredible fear that instinctively I need to gain consciousness immediately as to face this monster is too frightening.

I dont know what my thoughts are as I cant pin it on any one thing but sheer terror.  Its like an entity that has attached itself to me with no name no invitation and only strikes when my guard is down presumably.

I envisage it like a raging poltergeist neferious monster.

I want to get the courage and face it. Look into its evil and call it out for the coward it is but I always pull away before i remember to face it.

I cant live with it roaming unchecked in my head and I thought confronting rather than running from it might help.

I pull away because Im afraid that I will get trapped in it and never return.

Has anyone confronted a monster like this.

Can you please help me defeat it

My plan was to allow it to take me in and show it Im not afraid of you anymore.

[Scared]

Thank you all for remembering me

Im still not well.

I have a pysch nurse now whom i can talk to and is trying to organise some effective meds for me.

I need to say the Psych health system is so broken and even to the point of malpractice.

And to all the good doctors out there I say I hope the mud does not stick where its not deserved

[Scared]

Hello I didnt forget you.

Hospital was hell.

I found out the meds I was on was double the required recommended dose plus a high dose of another med.

I been reading about the severe side affects of coming off a normal dose but I had to come off double that in 1 week whereby the experts say that is dangerous to my life as I read the research papers.

So pls excuse me as writing on forums has become difficult to do for me.

Im heavily into mindfullness as that is the only safe place I have.

Indigo I truly believe that some doctors are good.

I also believe that others dont give it a thought if you live die or maimed by their actions or inactions.

What they care about is their liability and the patient is not their primary concern.

Being paid and filling quotas is the primary.

They treated me for serotonin overdose prescribed by them and was then told I dont have an overdose even tho I had lost all motor skills at this point.

What bothers me is that I wasnt angry and understand they are doing the best for me.

When in fact they were not doing their best for me at all

Im going thru the process of formal complaint 

On the upside if it were not for the suffering I never would have got to know Jesus

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Scared,

I relate to this post so much. I have very similar experiences, especially in recent months.

I am learning that while there are parts of my subconscious that produce such monsters/entities, there are also parts of myself that can protect and take care of myself during these times. Sometimes this takes the form of sensing one of those parts holding and caring for me in the presence of the entity. It’s like love eventually wins over the fear and the entity loses its power. Other times the protective part defends against the entity and takes it to a place where it can transform and regenerate into something healed and positive.

For me the dark entities link to a range of dark experiences in my past, including things from my childhood as well as intergenerational trauma. I have to remind myself that the entities are actually harmless and not real. They actually can’t in reality hurt me. 

Like you I find these experiences happen in the twilight zone where there is a shift in consciousness/brain waves. This is a reminder that it’s just something our brains do when certain neurological channels open up at this time. While it’s been worse for me this year I’ve essentially had some version of this my entire life. Sometimes I can identify specific entities and what they relate to and then I find in the same twilight zone that my brain will find a creative solution. Other times certain experiences keep repeating but I’ve increasingly learned not to react and just think, “oh, you again” which can sort of diffuse the situation or eventually deflate the entity.

I’ve been thinking of trying to draw and paint some of the visualisations I have to kind of cathartically deal with them, including showing my protector self taking care of the situation to heal it. I’m not sure if you would find that helpful or not, so only try something like that if it feels right. My sense for me is sometimes giving something creative expression can help, but each person is different and that expression could take different forms, such as writing a poem or song. It’s something that might work well with an art therapist but I’ve never tried that. Sometimes I also find something like an existing song that expresses a related feeling can also diffuse darkness as well, like a felt empathy that dissolves the darkness.

Take care Scared and see if you can sense into some loving care and protection in you as well.

Best wishes,

ER

[Scared]

Thx for replying to me.

When I have these scares I have no other response than to act fast to stop the intense fear.  Meaning I havnt learnt how to take charge of it with for eg find myself some protection mechanism in the moment as it occurs . At this time I only react to it the same way I would if I was being burnt.  I tend to the pain immediately but by then the monster has gone into hiding.

So I think we can both agree that no matter what style we may use to combat these monsters it always comes down to us taking some action rather than reacting to it.

At the moment all I can do is react.

I know they are only thoughts but wow they can pack a punch.

I guess Im trying to say is at this point they overwhelm me in fear and that I have no room to formulate anything in that moment other than to escape.

I have had some success with mindfulness by studying the thoughts and feelings and noticed intense feelings can subside. 
But I havnt been able to sit with the monster long enough to study it as its a terrifying beast.

I refuse to accept this anymore.

Whatever this monster is it is Cruel and Im not cruel.