I will never feel enough

[pearlgirl]

it’s been a while, i have been getting better. i have had my worst days and my best days right next to each other only hours apart.. one second i am contemplating suicide and the other i feel like life is the most beautiful gift bestowed unto me.

the truth is that at my core i want to be visible and seen, and seen especially for beauty, because i feel so invisible in anything else. the millimeters of my face and meticulous measurements are what drive me crazy.. but i am socialized as pretty. it’s a puzzling situation because if i were to tell you alone the things i have experienced or heard you would think, ‘yes she must be beautiful’.

i have had people pause, gasp, get excited, compliment me right upon first glance. and if i tell you that, you would surely think i must be just wallowing in sorrow for no apparent reason. but truth is if i then attached an image of myself you would think, ‘no i understand now, why she feels so ugly; she truly is’. beauty may be subjective but my objective measurements are not attractive and before you say beauty is in the eye of the beholder it’s all subconscious and true. i see beauty in everyone but me and i feel as though anyone who finds beauty in me will soon see the real face i have and be repulsed. 

for example, a girl in a younger grade tapped me on the shoulder and told me plainly, ‘you’re pretty’. i of course said thank you and for a split second i really was flattered, until i started turning and hiding my face from her deliberately so she won’t inspect closer and realize i am actually ugly. and to make it worse my comparison is debilitating. why do i feel so inadequate? what do others see that i don’t, and on the flip side when i feel pretty where does the external validation go? it’s a game of cat and mouse at this point

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I fully understand and it is not that uncommon. However to unlock the real reason for this negative self reflection it likely needs a psychiatric evaluation, just keep that in mind as the cause could be deep and from a younger age.

What I've done in my much earlier years (I'm 70yo) is introduce some logic to counter my fixated thoughts. eg if so many people think I'm handsome and tell me that then an inner demon telling me I'm ugly must indeed be some sort of illogical fool!! Intrusive thoughts have a wide band, they can arrive at any time and disrupt what can be a wonderful life all the time rather than these hurdles stopping you from rejoicing the moments. 

Intrusive thoughts, I was trained out of them. My therapist many years ago identified them. eg I took a sick day from work when I wasnt sick. I went and dug some holes in the garden and imagined my boss driving past my house and catch me out. My therapist asked me "do you think your thoughts were realistic" I paused, "no, not at all". he said "tell ytourself they are not real and distract yourself away from them".

So, say you are studying in the evening. You stop doing your math and recall a person saying "gee you are naturally pretty". You smile when you recollect. Then you take a mirror out and look at yourself to actively counter that persons account to prove to yourself you are actually ugly... Self learning would be to keep smiling and not grab that mirror and... most importantly... distract your attention. So, maybe go back to your studying or stand up and walk around the block. I almost guarantee by the time you get back you would have forgotten about looking in that mirror. You'll be thinking about the dog you saw in the park or how you picked up a fallen child or how you plan to ring a friend.  

Here below is posts that can help. Repost anytime. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

And this next post could change your life if you listen to his youtube videos. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/meditation-words-of-wisdom-it-helped-me-for-25-year... 

Quote from me "the extremes of loving the wonder of life, the birds, the sunset, the love, the tears should always be valued the more than the darkness of whatever caused the creation of the black"

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi pearlgirl

I can relate to what Tony mentions in regard to inner dialogue and how it can play a part in the way we see ourself. While I'm no master at managing inner dialogue at this point of my life as a 55yo woman, I'm definitely getting better at it. Practice makes perfect as they say, so being able to manage inner dialogue (especially those so-called 'inner demons') can take a lot of practice.

The harsh and brutal inner critic would have to be one of the worst. It's like someone could give you a compliment and you could be feeling really good about it. The next thing you know, the inner dialogue's sounding like 'If only they could see what you really look like. Don't let them get to close'. Or else you could have done something exceptionally nice for someone and be feeling great joy for them on top of a great sense of achievement. Then what suddenly comes to mind may be 'But what about that horrible thing you did last week. You really think this makes up for it?!'. Suddenly...bammm...you've lost that sense of achievement or high you were feeling. 

When it comes to those so-called 'inner demons', such as that harsh and brutal inner critic, I've found the best way to identify when one's in play can be based on feeling or be based on the question 'Where the hell is this coming from?'. Some inner dialogue can resemble hell on earth at times, that's for sure, the way it can mess with us. With the feeling side of things, I like to imagine there are 3 levels we can be feeling at. The first would be a high, the second would be grounded and the third would be below ground or in that depression zone. For example, someone says 'You look absolutely beautiful in that outfit'. If you feel a high from that comment, there you are, feeling yourself flying high. What may come to mind could involve more of a grounding feeling, 'We're all beautiful in our own way. I happen to look beautiful in this way'. 'Nup, you really look like absolute garbage' is below ground inner dialogue. Catching that below ground feeling, the dialogue needs to shift to something along the lines of 'What the hell? No thanks, I'm not going there' before trying to consciously gain a sense of grounding or high. 

I've found it definitely pays to stretch or exercise the imagination. Imagining an inner sage, 'What would the sage in me say about that?' tends to prompt constructive inner dialogue. With the old concept of 'devil on one shoulder, angel on the other', 'What would the angel on my other shoulder say about that?' also prompts more positive inner dialogue. While my inner critic absolutely thrives on mirrors these days with 'My god you're looking old. Look at all those wrinkles. You look disgusting', my inner sage or little angel (when channeled) will dictate 'You are perfectly you'. While settling for inner dialogue between heaven and hell, what grounds me will sound like 'You need a better skincare routine'😅, which is definitely true.