I want to ask for help
My school is pretty judgemental, lol.
I am really really really really glad that someone's intentional sour expressions don't hurt you but actually make your day!!!!!!!!!! I think that is amazing that you see it in a way that he is making a fool of himself. I wish I could do that, I usually let those things ruin my day lol.
WOW!!!! Over 15K a week!!!!!! But you go to the gym which makes up for the 15k.
I can't braid my hair either. One time I tried, I lost a lot of hair and it was full of tangles, so I gave up. Giving up is my special talent too. I just remembered something, you are so resilient in baking, you keep baking. I don't think giving up is your special talent. I think it is resilience!
I think your cooking show will be April's Amazingness, then I will be like, I told you so when it is on Netflix, lol.
I really hope your sister doesn't move out. I understand what you mean about sharing the load of getting in trouble. My younger brother and I do that, lol. My parents are going to have a divorce later on, so it will one left with the blame and judgements too.
I am glad that having your own room is nice, hopefully, in a few years, your parents might let you have electronics in it.
I am really sorry that the video triggered you.
I am glad you are doing ok. A 2-hour walk sounds calm and relaxing. My death thoughts are the same, kind of increasing. Are your death thoughts getting a bit better?
I am glad that Vic got an extra week of holidays, but it is really sad with the incline of COVID cases and deaths. Why do people who don't want to die, die?
Please don't apologise. I have made many irreversible and stupid mistakes, that I have never told anyone too.
How has today been?
I hope you are doing well. Thank you for helping me, being here and being my friend.
Sending you happiness, wellness and good vibes too.
Your less lonely friend, forever
I used to do running too, in year 4-6 I used to run in school races and joined every basketball competition in my school. But now I can't even get myself to even shoot hoops. I can barely run a metre, now.
I think it is amazing that going to the gym distracts you from the thoughts. I think that going to the gym each week, shows resilience and you are probably doing more than 15k there.
How are you doing? Are your death thoughts getting duller?
Sending you strength, happiness and wellness
Hello Neerja and April,
Things got a bit busy and I wasn't able to see your replies the past few days. I don't want to break the flow of conversation here so I'll reply both of you together, okay?
Both of you have mentioned being haunted by mistakes that you made in the past. I'd like to share a thread with you where another BB forum member struggled with the same thing. I hope the advice various members have given can help you: How to Forgive Yourself (https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/depression/how-to-forgive-yourself-#qv8DbHHz...)
I also notice both of you used to do sports - Neerja played basketball and April used to run. Exercise is one of those ways we can force our bodies to feel happier and less stressed. It has to do with the fact that exercises causes your body to release certain chemicals that helps you regulate and boost your mood. Even if you don't feel like it, it's good practice to force yourself to do a short exercise session until you make it a part of your routine. I know how hard it is - I spend most of my days feeling too lazy to move anywhere. But I've also come to realise once I start exercising, I feel more motivated to continue. So try giving yourself that initial push to exercise. Hopefully that helps you feel better and distracts you from the issues you're facing.
How are both of you doing? 🙂
Sorry for being so late with replies all the time.
Do you like your school? How strict is it? My school says they really care about uniform but not many people wear it. One guy in my year wears tradie boots, red plaid pants, a ] shirt and brown jacket and a small black beanie. He is actually a nice guy but he acts like a jerk to seem cool. Do people do that at your school?
It's like no one cares who I am at school. We have a girl with a few thousand listeners on Spotify and one guy will show up when you search his name in google. He is a professional ballet dancer and singer. We have people in professional performances in theatre (performing arts school) . All of these people are in my year. People from my school have gone to broadway, become famous, owned their own theatres and here I am, doubting that I could ever live as an adult. Do you ever feel like this?
I probably do more like 7 or 8k at the gym. I know someone who does 50k a week which is absolutely ridiculous. It doesn't seem possible. Over 5k every day...hell no.
My resilience in baking is mainly due to the fact that I rarely repeat a recipe. The only recipe I do a lot is cookies which are virtually impossible to mess up.
Are you okay with your parents divorcing? Do you know what you'll do? I hope it goes well and it's not too stressful. I would find it very difficult to chose who would be more bearable to live with.
The thoughts are still there but I know a lot of my triggers and 'warning signs'. I find the idea of warning signs are kind of strange. Like when I feel suicidal, why would I want to get help? I want to die and getting help doesn't let me do that lol. I really hope your thoughts get better.
I often feel so bad because I'm sitting here telling you about how I want to die while there are people who would give anything for one more day. It's unfair that some of the happiest people get terminal illnesses or are in shootings or accidents and lose precious time with their family and friends. And what makes it worse is even after thinking about that, I'm still thinking about death.
I spent 6 hours making a cake which ended up being on the dry side but not much else happened.
I don't think I've ever got a ball into a hoop. Team sports and ball sports are not my forte.
Thank you for always being here. I hope you know how much I appreciate you being here.
Sending as much happiness and good thoughts as I possibly can,
Your very thankful friend, forever
Please don't apologise. 🙂
I like my school better than the old one, I had bad experiences in the school I am in now but not as much as the old one. Lol, my school says the same thing about uniform. But people wear track pants, sports uniform on a school day, fake nails (including teachers), extreme amounts of makeup, hoodies under their school tops, wrong types of shoes and more, lol. There this rule that you have to bring a note when you can't wear proper uniform, so many people just write their own notes and give it to the teachers. My school isn't that strict, the teachers like to have fun but sometimes no one does classwork. For remote learning, hardly anyone completed the English or Hums essays, lol. Do you like your school?
I care about who you are, and I think you are an amazing person and I know I have said this so many times. I feel the exact same way, I am scared to grow up, become an adult, I think I won't be to live as an adult and fail life. It just makes me feel so weird that I am growing up. I don't know if I should think about my future, do I even have a future? Will I even make it to being an adult?
50k is ridiculous. I could never even do 1k, lol. I bet I will mess up the cookie recipe. I tried using the cake mixes to make a cake, the outside was burnt and inside was undercooked, lol.
I have mixed feeling about their divorce. I am glad as they will be happier as they feel stuck with each other. On the other hand, I think that will ruin my and my parent's relationship, even more, there will be more arguments. My dad will be always at work or on his phone, ignoring me. My mum will be with my younger brother all day and whenever she will talk to me, she will yell at me all of the time. When they are together, to show each other than one is kinder, they will be considerate of my younger brother and me. I am glad that it will happen a few years later. I don't know who will be more bearable to live with.
I am really glad that you know your warning signs and triggers, I don't know them yet, it happens randomly or especially when things go wrong. Lol, that is so true, 'I want to die and getting help doesn't let me do that.' I feel the same way.
It is really unfair, that people who want to live, don't get to and people who don't want to live are like forced to live. Hearing about the happiest people who have terminal illnesses, with injuries, and in pain. Makes me feel guilty, makes me really want to die.
I bet your cake was a million times better than the cake mix disaster cake, I made, lol.
I don't think I ever ran a kilometre, lol. In year 5/6 I preferred short distance running. Do you like short or long-distance running?
Thank you for always being here too, I am extremely glad, thankful and happy that you joined BB and are here talking to me. Thank you for being here and being my friend. I can never thank you enough. You have made me feel less alone, safe and made me smile. Thank you so much.
May your day be filled with love, kindness, positivity and happiness, but not only today but each & every day. You deserve nothing less.
Your friend forever,
It's really hard to forgive myself, each day I am reminded by my mind, about such a horrible person I am. It's like being surrounded by this thick, dark cloud.
It's really hard to force myself, I have been having these lazy days where I don't even look after my hair or even get out of bed. I am tired of trying, sorry.
How are you doing?
Hope you and your family are doing well.
We're sorry to hear that things are still so tough at home. It may help both you and April to take a look at some of our Beyond Blue resources, including stories about people who have felt similar to you in the past:
- "Personal stories" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/who-does-it-affect/personal-stories
- "Journey to wellness" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well/journey-to-wellness
Dear April and Neerja, I'd like to reply to you separately and together... 🧡💛💚💙💜 that's ALOTTA LOVE there lol.
You've both done so well opening up here on BB and I want to commend you both for reaching out to try to understand what's going on. The "teen years" can be such a difficult time, there are no "ordinary times" and atm it's an extraordinary time in the world. Huge hugs.
ONE HUGE thing is the relentless comparisons teens make between themselves and others. I was a teenager a LONG ass time ago lol, but even though I looked away from comparing myself to others, it still happened. And if I DIDN'T compare myself to others? Woah boy, peers said things openly.
I still did and DO things that I CHOSE to do; career, home, activities, trips - even with "the haters" going against me all the time.
People can be so cruel. BUT IT'S AGAINST OUR VERY NATURE to be cruel to each other. We are hardwired for love, belonging and connection to others.
Also the Social Media comparisons are really damaging to you guys on it. I ditched it when I could clearly see people "showing off" in the fakest of ways and having extremely emotional reactions to 'not getting enough likes' etc. (WHAT???) I know people around my age who have gone into major debt to buy holidays just to plaster social media with photos - IRL they HATED the holiday, hated their spouse, couldn't stand their kids etc.
That's NOT HEALTHY.
To me it WAS NOT REAL LIFE. I am FAR BETTER OFF without Social Media.
Growing up? One day at a time.
NO ONE HAS LIFE all figured out. If they say they do, then they're trying to one up you. They don't lol.
It's a bad idea for your Mental Health to have a tight plan for your entire future!
You'll miss wonderful opportunities being so hard on yourselves now & your future selves.
But there are ways to manage all of this.... there's a lady online who spent over 20y as a Researcher on human emotions - shame, empathy, vulnerability, courage & more. Even SHE was terrified to go public and talks about her journey & fears & breakdowns (lol her therapist called it a 'Spiritual Awakening').
Her name is Brene Brown. She has been INVALUABLE to me to listen to and understand WHY things are so difficult. But through her life, online talks and (I must buy) her books lol, she shows us HOW TO BE courageous in our lives, deal with the "haters", know that 'aloneness' is part of our human experience.
AND FEEL BETTER.
I hope you guys watch her. She makes SO MUCH sense.
I am really sorry you went through judgements from other people and from yourself too. But, please know, that you are such a wonderful person, you support and bring joy and happiness to others and you are warm-hearted, unique and we need more people like you.
It's hard not to compare myself to others, each day reminds me of what a trash person I am, I don't like myself.
I don't have social media, my parents don't allow it. But I understand what you mean about people being fake and showing off, in school, many people do it. In school, people treat each other so differently based on appearances, the amount people show off, the amount people talk to others and other things. Its so divided, teachers even treat students differently. If one of the 'popular' kids talked to the school counsellor, they would have been treated better.
I understand what you mean about growing up, but I don't think I will make to being an adult. Criticising and hating myself helps me. It reminds me to not enjoy things, to not be positive and to not give myself hope, which is good and I think helpful as it makes me aware of what a trash person I am.
WOW, 20 years, is a lot of experience! I will definitely watch Brene Brown's videos! I think April will too! I am glad that watching her videos has been invaluable.
I hope you and your family are doing well.
Your friend forever,