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My apologies for this rant

Community Member

Hi to whoever is reading this, It feels strange to write this in public or rather online. Anyways, here I go.

Not long ago (a few months or so), I have started getting more and more suicidal thoughts/imaginations. There were also times during a day or a week, where I can vividly imagine myself getting harmed and get this tingling sensation. I always find it hard to express myself, and only I have started to learn to communicate this properly with my partner.

By communicating with my partner, I feel like I'm still a baby step towards understanding the real root of this problem. I haven't really had the best relationship with my mother since she was divorced when I was 5-7 years old (constant arguing, shouting etc..). I only came to find out they were divorced when I was 10 or so. Arguments got worse (I have anger issues) when we moved here in Australia with my step father. I was able to find out the reasons why they divorced when I turned 18 (I just turned 25 last month). Even though all of this is acceptable and may seem normal (I know even worse family problems that were shared online), I can't seem to stand the fact that I was left clueless of what was happening around me. The constant arguments grew bigger to the point that I can't stand to see my mother, without raising my voice. Sometimes I ignore my little brother (he's 10 now), my step father, and my mother, mainly because I don't feel like talking to them (can do this for months). I also hate the way my mother and step-father is raising my half-brother. I always feel guilty towards my half-brother, I can't be a good older brother to him and I am still trying. I tend to overwork for long hours (10+ hours a day) to ignore these thoughts. I am now at the final year of my PhD program and it sucks to have these thoughts. You would imagine a PhD student who's both smart and mature. But I really am not.

Things got worse now that I am back living with them due to COVID and would like to save more of my stipend scholarship for future means. Everytime I overhear my mother and step-father talking about me, I always think of the worse. Why can't they just say this to my face?

Anyways, my apologies for the rant. Reading over what I have written really clarifies that I think I myself is the problem. However, it has been clouding my mind for the whole year to the point, it may be better to just disappear, which I think is stupid.


3 Replies 3

Hi Encar,

Welcome to our friendly online community, and thanks for reaching out today. We're so sorry to hear that you've been struggling with these thoughts. We understand that it might be quite distressing, especially if you find it difficult to open up to others.

It's good to hear that you've started opening up to your partner about these thoughts. We'd urge that you do also seek professional support. If you need some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We would strongly urge that you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) in moments where you are feeling quite distressed and need a chat with a counsellor.

Thank you for reaching out here today. Hopefully a few of our community members will be by over the next few days to welcome you.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Encar and welcome to the forums.A great place to let it all out and get some advice to.

I find just having a rant sometimes does make you feel better.Bottling things inside all the time does take it' toll on your mental health.Those bad thoughts of suicide and self harm do creep in.If you are tempted to act on them please seek help immdiately. RING 000 or lifeline or Beyond Blue.

Ssunds like you didn' really have a happy childhood with your parents fighting and getting divorced.That is a real hard thing for you to go through and does effect you into the future.It can effect future relationships for you.It sounds like you have been talking to your partner about it which is a great start for you as it is so difficult talk about and it is a slow process.

Please feel free to rant on here when ever you feel like it.

Tale care,


Community Member

I Just feel Modern Australia Is not drastically different to the U.S.A. despite minor beneficial differences, I find Australia Is very Wrong In different ways, Just like anywhere else I don't like Modern People, because their Selfish, Rude and Narcissistic I don't like Interacting with people within Protocol, for Example, Coles Self Serve Workers, who check your Bags because they thinking your Stealing, or they look at you as Dis Honest for saying their Item Is On Sale, when their Scanner sais It's Not"

It's crucial to have 3-4 Or at least 3* Suitable Friends and a Partner, and It's harder to enjoy people let alone find the Women of Personal Desired Attraction and Inner Person, It's not Just Friends, but Friends of Similar Values. Interests and RESPECT Is harder than maybe how the Baby Boomers treated their Friends or not