I want to ask for help

[____]

For a while, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety and while my parents do know that I was having suicidal thoughts, they think I'm better now, however it'has gotten worse. I kind of want to get help as I'm sick of living like this, but I don't know how to get help. I do not want to talk to my parents as they're awful people and I just want to get away with them. My school's welfare guy and counsellors aren't that helpful and I don't trust them. Unfortunately, the only person I would talk to is a drama teacher who isn't actually my teacher anymore, but I seriously can't imagine that conversation going well. I do have a sister who I'm kind of close to but I can't be around her because (bear with me) she is everything I'm not and I feel worthless around her. Is there a way I can get help without my family getting involved?

[Emmen]

Hello Neerja,

Everybody has a future. The question is whether it'll be something we like...and that's partly up to us to decide. It's like as Croix says, when you're in the tunnel, it's hard to see where it ends. But with each step, you are closer to coming out of it. I guess that's where belief comes in. You cannot perceive it with your senses, but you have to believe in the space outside that tunnel.

We all make mistakes, and terrible ones at that. But the important thing is that we recognise that mistakes are not deliberate. We move on and learn from it. And we try not to repeat the same mistakes. When you have controlling parents, it may be hard to accept this about mistakes since we're often put in a position where we're prevented from making any mistakes in the first place. So every time we do make a mistake, we think it's terrible and it haunts us. On the other hand, if you had absolute freedom, you'd make far more mistakes in life and you'll learn how to treat these as just things to move on from. I hope this makes sense.

The feeling of loneliness outside these forums and your relationship with your parents are not your fault in any way. Circumstances have just made it such, you can't blame yourself for things you have no/little control over. Also, your loneliness and a weak relationship with your parents does not mean it will always remain that way. Give yourself a chance - this is why the future matters!

I'm making very slow progress with the book, but 20 pages in, I haven't gotten bored of it yet. My favourite book is...it's a series. Harry Potter! I used to dream I could be attend Hogwarts and magic my way out of things. What about you? What do you do that makes you happy?

Croix makes very good points but my dove is a little offended at his suggestion that it should go on a diet. It tells me that it simply ate too many rainbows that day - yes, that's why it's so colourful!

Cheers,
M

[____]

Hey Croix,

I don't really understand what you mean sorry.

I might try skateboarding again but I often can't get myself out of bed and I don't understand why. How can I get outside and on a skateboard when just moving is an effort. It's not that I have sore muscles, just that I can't bring myself to move.

I have a prescription for antidepressants but I never take them. They make me feel fake happy. Like I'm kind of happy but I still want to die. Sometimes they just make me numb. The fake happy is the worst though. I realize how good I have it and I don't understand the overwhelming urge to off myself.

As you said 'that's really good' is meaningless. I can't seem to do anything meaningful. My art just looks like paint. I even tried writing music (not lyrics, i don't know if I could do that, I was just messing around on an app) and it just sounded like... well, sounds. I on't know if I could bring meaning to photos.

My cats understand the concept of bed-time better than me. My cats go to sleep, and my brain decides it's time to think too much about everything. Cats are very peaceful when they're not meowing or pooping in the dining room (that was fun to clean up). I like the little smile they do and the way they curl their paws and stretch them, which hurts like hell if they're holding your arm.

I found Spectator Jonze very different to most of the artists I've seen. She (i'm pretty sure it's a woman) is very talented. I don't really know how to interpret her art. I'm not very good at seeing meaning. In year 6 we went to an art gallery and I was unable to see meaning in many paintings. How do blobs of colour represent emotions? One painting was a bunch of lines and a smiley face. Seeing that, I reckon I could just paint random stuff and tell people it means things.

Also an art portfolio is just something we do for art to track the progress of creating a piece and we talk about who inspires us. Most people hate it, but I like it because when I'm on my laptop in art, no one sees my work.

How are you? I hope you're well.

April

[____]

Hey Neerja,
You are probably the nicest friend I've had. Thank you for being so kind!! I'm very glad you feel less lonely. I sincerely hope you know how much you've helped me. I'll be stressing out or feeling awful and I know I can just talk to you. You understand me and you are so sweet and supportive.

I'm glad you see my interpretation of songs as a good thing. There's nothing wrong with cringey, cringey can be good.

Do you know the feeling when you get off a treadmill and it feels like you're walking really fast because you've been walking nowhere for ages? I like that feeling. It's entertaining. I don't know why I'm telling you about this but it's just a small thing that makes me happy. I think small things are so important.

I am really trying to find something to take my mind off things like you. Earlier in this thread, someone put in a link for a list of stuff to do. A lot of it is just small things. I only have a few minutes to finish writing this so I won't be able to find this for you now (this thread is seven pages!!!) but I can have a look in the morning if you don't find it.
You're not being lazy. It's hard to find motivation after a long break.

Today I ruined mousse. Absolutely curdled it. I'm not always good at baking, and I was terrible when I started. I just did it a lot. I've memorised my cookie recipe because I've done it so many times, ad I still mess it up. HEAPS.

The mood swings I can deal with, and it's much easier when I'm talking to you guys. I'm glad reading my responses makes you happy. Usually while writing to you I'm quite happy but right now I am quite worried my dad will come and see me on my laptop way past my bedtime.

You are not being triggering. You've been nothing but kind and helpful and I hope I can be the same for you.

Sending good vibes, energy, and whatever other good stuff exists.

Your (no longer lonely) friend

April

[____]

Hi Sleepy21

I think my day was pretty productive. I made a mint slice and went to the gym which is more than I usually do in a day. How was your day?

I like the way I can hide in a hoodie and can hide. It's also such a nice feeling to be outside in the cold but feeling warm.

My personality changes dramatically around different people. I've been told this is a normal thing, but when I'm around two people who I acted completely different around, I can't say anything because around one, I act like a sweet person who's never done anything wrong and around the other I act like some sort of 'cool rebellious' kid. I don't know which is my real personality, or if I have one. Almost everything I do is to please someone so they don't get annoyed by me or weirded out and leave. I constantly fear that you guys will read something I've written and hate me for it. It's stupid i know. I shouldn't pretend to be someone I'm not to make people my friends.

Sorry for turning that into such a long rant.

What's the weather like where you are? Is it nice?

Many thanks

April

[____]

Hey M,

How are you?

My art elective is called 'visual art'. I do the same thing you did, and I think I can say I'm good at bringing fake meaning to splatters of paint. I don't at all understand how people portray emotion through art, nor do I think I will ever be able to. Most of my art is just tutorials from google, I have never actually made something of my own which I only just realised now.

Her art is very cool and I like how she uses people. I'm not good at understanding art so unfortunately I can't appreciate it for more than just the look of it. I really struggle to see emotion unless it's fully spelled out to me. Could you maybe describe a piece? I really want to understand it. Sorry for not being able to tell you much about what I thought.

Many thanks

April

[hellohi]

Hi Croix,

I really enjoyed reading Khan's snippet of his biography! You write amazingly, I think you would make a wonderful writer. The way you described the moments, made me feel like I was there.

Khan and Kotic sound so cute, they make an amazing door opening army!

LibriVox sounds really good, I definitely going to use it! "The Ghost in the Shell", sounds good. Can I find it on LibriVox too?

You are right about mood impacting the books you are interested in reading, I think many people don't have a favourite book, maybe multiple books though. I really like Matilda by Ronald Dahl, Pieces of Sky by Trinity Doyle and Faceless by Alyssa B. Sheinmel. Ronald Dahl's books timeless classics.

I don't think it was a lecture and please don't apologise. I understand what you mean the better life out there, but right now I don't feel it. Right now, I am just sick of life and want to end it. But hearing about your pets makes me feel happy.

"Emmen's peace dove might need to go on a diet" That made me laugh.

I guess you are right about parent's not listening.

Yesterday, I had another go at the pizza but it was a little overcooked but still edible which was good. I like the idea of using a timer, carefully setting the temperature and using the same shelf each time. The next time I try I will do it. Hopefully, I don't burn another pizza.

Hope you, your family and your pets are doing well.

Warm wishes,

Neerja

[hellohi]

Hi M,

The reason why I don't feel like I have a future is that I don't know how long I will keep going. I like the tunnel analogy.

I have made really stupid mistakes, mistakes that can't be reversed. I'm a horrible person. If anyone here ever met me in real life, no one would like me. But I will try not to ever repeat the same mistakes. You are so right about mistakes haunting us. I feel that way. Whatever I do, I keep on remembering my mistakes. I understand what you mean about the correlation between the perception towards mistakes and the position some is in.

I don't think my parents will ever understand me and our relationship will ever improve. I know that in a few years they will have a divorce, I think that will ruin our relationship even more. My dad will be always at work or on his phone, ignoring me. My mum will be with my younger brother all day and whenever she will talk to me, she will yell at me all of the time.

Myself doesn't deserve a chance.

I am glad you haven't gotten bored with the book, that is good. I find it hard to not get bored, usually, I read a few pages of the books in my school library and leave them there, lol. It takes me a while to choose one. I have never read Harry Potter, I read a few pages but didn't really enjoy it. But I am glad you really enjoy reading Harry Potter, I like that there are many books that build on each other.

I don't know what makes me happy. I think maybe if I get an ok school report, so I don't have to face my parents being annoyed.

I love how you said "my dove is a little offended at his suggestion that it should go on a diet. It tells me that it simply ate too many rainbows that day - yes, that's why it's so colourful!" That made me laugh. 🙂

I hope you, your family and your dove are doing well.

Warm wishes,

Neerja

[hellohi]

Hi April,

You are the nicest friend I have ever had. I feel the same, whenever I am down or feeling any emotion I know there is someone there to understand listen and to my rants, lol. Thank you for being so kind, listening and being my friend and being here. To be honest, I can't thank you enough. 🙂

I am glad that feel that there is nothing wrong with cringy. In my school, people use it as an insult to show that they are strong/emotionless and say this each other all of the time "ew that is so cringy, are you serious?". I find that childish. One time there was this person, a few years older than us, and her mother was giving her daughter a hug, she pushed her away and said: "that is so cringy, I am getting older now I am not a kid anymore. Are you serious?" I felt a bit sad for her mother.

I feel that feeling too of walking really fast because you've been walking nowhere for ages. It's funny. You are so right in saying small things are important. Like someone giving you a smile can make your day. But also someone giving you a bad look or ignoring you can break your day as well.

I never realised that this thread is 7 pages! Happy seventh birthday thread! Talking to you here takes my mind off things and I can easily share things with you and feel mentally lighter.

I am glad that you understand about finding motivation after a long break.Before, I would do anything to play basketball. I played before school, during school breaks and after school. Sometimes people I never met before joined me. But now I can't do anything to make myself play basketball. I hardly do any exercise. Before I used to go to the park with my parents, but social anxiety took over and I stay home all day. I find it really hard to talk to people face to face, I freeze and hardly participate in class.

Its ok to mess up, I think it is amazing that you keep going and are resilient towards baking. One day you will have your own baking show!

I hope you never get caught by your father. I usually have to find somewhere during the day to write when my parents are doing their work or with my younger brother. Do you have siblings? I have to share a room with my mum and my brother, so I can't do it then. Do you like having your own room?

That's a relief I haven't triggered anything, I was scared that me talking about death and stuff would impact you. I don't want that, I had been feeling guilty for a while.

You have been really kind and helpful to me. We need more people like you.

[hellohi]

Oops I clicked on 'post this reply' before I finished.

I want to ask how are you going? Are doing ok?

May each day be filled with happiness, brightness and wellness.

Thank you for being my friend and being so kind, understanding, compassionate and helpful.

I hope you and your pets are doing well.

Warm wishes,

Your (also no longer lonely) friend, 🙂

Neerja

[____]

Hey Neerja,

It's quite sad that being vulnerable or having emotions is seen as cringey and weird. It shouldn't be wrong to express how you feel.

People smiling means so much, and I would much rather focus on that than the negative which is what I tend to do. One kid in the year below me makes a face every time he sees me and I've decided that I don't care, it's funny watching him make a fool of himself thinking he's hurting me with his sour expressions and strutting away, but it makes my day. I don't know why it doesn't hurt me, but I'm glad it doesn't.

I used to do a lot of running. I ran 5k every saturday, 10k every tuesday and little bits in between. One week, I decided not to go. The next week I thought nah, I can just skip it this week. That continued for a month until I gave up, and now I can barely run 100m. I am very good at giving up. It's my special talent. Yesterday I was sick of being unable to plait or braid my own hair so I watched a tutorial and spent a good 30 seconds trying and realised, no! I can't do this, and I went back to bed.

I'm glad you'll think I'll have a baking show. It'll be like that one on Netflix, 'Cake Fails'. I think I'd be very good at it.

I have an older sister but most of the time she's out drinking or working. She might be moving out next year which I really don't want. I actually like her sometimes and usually we share the load of getting in trouble. Once she's gone, I'll be the only one left to blame. Having my own room is nice, but I can't really use it very much. I'm not allowed any devices in my room so like you, I have to do most of my writing when people are away.

We're both talking about death and things like that so don't worry. This thread is in a section about suicidal thoughts. Last night I watched a video called 'my suicide attempt' and managed to trigger myself because it was quite in depth. It wasn't a smart idea.

I'm doing okay I think. I'm pretty bored, but yesterday I went for a walk which took up 2 hours. Other than that, I haven't been doing much at all. What about you? Are your death thoughts any better?

I noticed in a post you sent to M (sorry) you said you have made mistakes that haunt you. I'm the same. I have made so many mistakes that I don't know how I can live with. I have never told anyone, and I don't plan on it.

Thank you for helping me in so many ways.

Sending happiness and good vibes

Your good friend

April