I want to ask for help

[____]

For a while, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety and while my parents do know that I was having suicidal thoughts, they think I'm better now, however it'has gotten worse. I kind of want to get help as I'm sick of living like this, but I don't know how to get help. I do not want to talk to my parents as they're awful people and I just want to get away with them. My school's welfare guy and counsellors aren't that helpful and I don't trust them. Unfortunately, the only person I would talk to is a drama teacher who isn't actually my teacher anymore, but I seriously can't imagine that conversation going well. I do have a sister who I'm kind of close to but I can't be around her because (bear with me) she is everything I'm not and I feel worthless around her. Is there a way I can get help without my family getting involved?

[____]

Hey Neerja,

I know what you mean about relaxing too much. If my mind isn't focused on something, it immediately switches to thinking about suicide. When I read, I also listen to music and fiddle with something. This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous, but vigorous exercise makes the suicidal thoughts much duller. I go to the gym three times a week and while I'm there, I don't think. I can't because all my energy is focused on breathing and trying not to fly straight off the treadmill. The gym isn't necessary. You can run on the spot or do star jumps. I don't know if it would work for you, but my point is there might be something that takes your mind off it, even just for a moment.

I would like to point out a mistake. You stated that no one will notice when you are gone. I know that to you, I'm just words on a screen limited to 2500 characters, but I can promise you, if you died, I would be heartbroken, and I'm sure a lot of other people on this thread would be too. I am not trying to guilt you into staying alive. I am trying to tell you that you mean something. I 'met you' (dunno how else to word that) less than a month ago and knowing that I can just turn on my laptop and talk to you makes me feel so much less lonely.

I'm glad you trust my baking, even though you've never seen it. I do't really know how I'm doing. Every couple of minutes my mood changes. I am happy right now though as I know I'm going to be able to read your response soon.

Sending you happiness, and I hope you feel a bit better

Your good friend

April

[____]

Hey M,

I don't think people ever genuinely say 'wow that is really good'. It's just the polite thing to do. I can do a zero effort painting and submit it for art and the teacher will tell me it's very good. Art is not something you can tell people they are bad at. It's easy to know if you're good at maths. You either get the question right or wrong. In art, it's not as simple as good or bad, as you said they are subjective.

For my art portfolio I have to mention two artists I like. I might use Banksy and spectator jonze. I like the colour she uses and her art is very interesting. I'll take a better look at it in the morning.

Many thanks,

April

[Croix]

Dear April~

As usual I think about the songs people mention, look at the video and more importantly the lyrics. I came to the conclusion if there was nothing to hold one in that relationship they would go. The same in life. You may not recognize why but if there was nothing here you would be gone.

Does that sort of make sense?.]

Even a pesky cat leaving wet paw print is something. I'm glad the bath was not full BTW 🙂

Cutting out pictures, the way you do it is part of the art, immaculate exact cutting and ragged hasty strokes each say something.

I always used to teach maths type subjects and programming becuse you can tell straight away if they are right, which in a way is the easy way out, instant certainty. Maybe I needed that after the police.

Art is only partly what you intend and manage to make, why am I telling you?

It is a two person exchange, maybe like an argument, and what they get out might not be what you intentionally put in. So saying "yes that's very good" is meaningless. If it was "that makes me really mad" or "that reminds me of a wonderful encounter" that is meaningful and worth saying. (So is saying "it does nothing for me", after all there are so many more billion in the potential audience.

Sumo Cat has gone to bed because it is late (cats do have a bed-time in the clock in their furry little heads), and the fire is down to embers and the cold starting to seep in (-4 outside ATM)

So I'm off too

Goodnight April

[hellohi]

Hi Croix,

I thought the boy was innocent as he came back 3 hours later the father was killed, the way the cut was made was from an underarm technique which could not have been done with the knife he had, the testimonies were not that accurate and there was other evidence. Also with all of the prejudice, I was leaning more towards the innocent side. Wow, I didn't think he was guilty.

Do you have a favourite book?

You did do a lot of different vocations, I think that is amazing! Which one was your favourite?

You are right about the BeyondNow questions, they are really hard to fill out alone.

I will definitely use Librivox, thank you for telling me about, now I don't have to buy books.

I think it depends on my mood, lol. When I have had a bad day and relax, it increases my suicidal thoughts. When I have had an alright day, its ok and I easily get distracted from those thoughts. I know this sounds stupid.

I love the way you choose creative and relevant names for your pets, Thistle Hopper, is such a good name! I think it is amazing and wonderful that you rescue animals! You are so right in saying animals help make a house a home. Haha, bad-tempered wallabies also have competition!

I don't have any pets, but hearing about your pets really makes me smile.

Hope you and your family and all of your pets are doing well.

Warm wishes,

Neerja

Thanks again 🙂

[hellohi]

Hi M,

I really do want everything to come to an end.

I like your idea of an "escape plan", but what if I don't have a future.

I feel like a bad person, because of all of the mistakes I have made, the feeling of loneliness outside these forums, the weak relationships with my parents and the other things.

But thank you for understanding and I like the idea of an escape plan.

I never heard of Love in the Time of Cholera, it does sound like a good book. When you finish, I would love to know how it goes and what it is about! Reading does take a lot of time. I am really slow reader lol.

Do you have a favourite book?

Hope you and your family are doing well.

Warm wishes,

Neerja

Thanks again

[hellohi]

Hi April,

I am really glad to have a friend like you. To be honest, you are one of my true friends and our friendship is nothing like my past friendships. I know I have said this so many times, but I think you are an amazing person. You are more than just words on a screen.

I think when people say 'wow that is really good', some people who say it, genuinely mean it. (whenever I say I mean it 🙂 But sometimes people do say it to be nice

I wanted to say I think it is amazing that you can take one song and form multiple interpretations on it. Not many people can do that, you are unique! I can add another thing in April's Amazingness List. I know that sounds cringy, but I really think you are wonderful.

I understand what you mean about not being focused on a particular thing and leading to the suicidal thoughts to be brought up back on the surface. I really like how you do multiple things to be focused, I will try it. Thank you for telling me about it. 🙂

It does not sound ridiculous, I am glad that you go to the gym to distract yourself. I love how you said that your mind is focused on trying not to fly straight off the treadmill. 🙂

I have a treadmill at home, but I don't know if it helps me. I think I will have to keep searching to find the thing that distracts me. I used to go to basketball training and game, also swimming. It distracted me because I was under pressure, lol. But I took a break towards the end last year and I just couldn't get myself back to the basketball court or the swimming pool. I still can't, the break was supposed to be for a short period of time but now it has lasted over 7 months. Haha, I am lazy.

Thank you for being so kind. I know that you are not trying to guilt me to stay alive. It's just I am sick of it, sick of living, sick of everything.

But, we 'met' less than a month ago and our friendship has become so strong and I wanted to thank you for being here and being my friend. You make me feel less lonely too. 🙂

I definitely trust your baking. If I can burn a frozen pizza... You probably won't trust my baking, lol.

I am sorry your mood changes every couple of minutes, it must be hard. But I am glad you are happy right now, I feel happy right now too. Seeing your response makes me happy. 🙂

Thank you for your kind words. I am really sorry if I triggered anything.

How was today been for you? How are you feeling?

I hope you are doing well and hope each day is bright, filled with happiness and sunshine.

Your friend,

Neerja

[Croix]

Dear Neerja~

I don't think you triggered April I think it was just the way things were. What do you think April?

You were right about the defendant, plus there was a lot of violence in the area, so there were many possibilities other than him.

You mentioned you were a slow reader, in which case maybe LibriVox might be best as they use audio books. Sometimes several copies of the one book. If that's the case you sample them and pick the one with the best reading voice.

I'm not sure I have a favorite book, basically because it depends on my mood, as I have several sitting round half-finished, and pick up the one that most suits my how I feel.

If you wanted another book+movie combination I'll offer something completely different, "The Ghost in the Shell" a manga comic, an animated film and a 2017 live action film with Scarlett Johansson too. Lots of interpretations to think about

Yes all our animals have names becuse they all are thinking beings with their own characters. We called all the wallabies xxxx Hopper like we have xxx Cat and xxx Dog

I remember Khan and Kotic, they were Siamese cats and learned if Kotick jumped up to one of the old-fashioned press down door handles and patted it with her paw while Khan scrabbled at the base they could open the door between them.

Here is a snippet from Khan's life:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/store-your-happy-memories-here-...

One of the reasons I talk to you about manga and films and pets is to let you know there is a better life out there, and it can have you in it. (Sorry for the lecture)

I think Emmen's peace dove might need to go on a diet. Her escape plan does work, it's just hard to see when you are in the tunnel. Imagine a world where you can have pets, or rescue animals. Not too far fetched is it?

A kid is not weak if they can't change and improve their parents, it simply shows the parent's don't listen.

Why not have another go at a pizza? I used to burn or undertook them til I used a timer and was careful setting the temperature and always using the same shelf.

Croix

[Croix]

Dear April~

What did you think of Spectator Jonze?

BTW waht is an art portfolio, a collection of things you like?

Croix

[Guest_1643]

Hi April,

How was your day? I'm sorry you're finding the holidays challenging with more time to think.
Re hoodies... reminded me when I lived in America when I was 19 and one thing I liked about it was that I didn't have to think about what I would wear - no one would hardly see your outfits (or even your body) during the winter months, you'd be completely hidden under a huge puffy coat. That was actually something I loved. I don't know if you like the cosiness and covering elements of hoodies, or if I got that wrong?

It is hard to feel like one's persnality is slipping away... i understand that feeling too. I'm sorry you see yourself that way. i think that's common with feeling down, but I don't think anyone here sees you that way...you give a lot and have interesting things to share.

Hope you're keeping well in the annoyingly not yet cool weather, and that the holidays are going well

[Emmen]

Hey April,

That's true, there is no absolutes in art. To be honest, I got through my art lessons in school by coming up with stories about the "artwork"...lucky for me my teachers believed that my blue paper with a circle was supposed to mean something. That was years before I finally started learning how to do visual art.

I'm so glad I helped you out in your assignment! I'm curious as is Croix - what did you think of her art?

Cheers,
M