The warmest of welcomes to you at what sounds like such an incredibly torturous time in your life. I feel for you so deeply.
From my own personal experience, I'd say the deeper the dive into a depression, the more self focused and it makes complete sense. Why would we not want to know why we're suffering so much? Why would we not want to spend all the time in the world trying to analyse the hell out of our self and our life, so as to hit on the kind of revelations that are going to offer us a sense of heaven (aka 'peace', 'relief', 'greater self understanding' etc)? Why would we not want to try and work out how others relate to us? The list that can begin with the basic question 'What's wrong with me, why am I suffering so much?' can become extensive. If we want to work our self out, we typically have to focus on our self. 'How do I tick? What triggers me? Why and how do I suffer?' and so on.
I can't help but wonder whether you've got anyone in your life who's trying to help you work yourself out. I've found it's definitely easier when someone else is helping brainstorm in regard to why I'm struggling or suffering in some way and what the challenges I'm facing are really about. I've found it can take so much longer to figure things out on my own. It's kinda of like going at a snails pace vs being fast tracked by someone. Not only does being fast tracked save a lot of time, it also helps eliminate some suffering to a degree. Much needed revelations make a difference.
When it comes to those who've left this world, based on not being able to manage depression anymore, typically those left behind will say 'I wish I'd cared more. I wish I'd done more. I wish I'd been more conscious'. While we're here and seriously struggling at times, there is absolutely nothing wrong with some constructive attention seeking. 'Hey, over here, I'm drowning (in mental health challenges)!' is another way of saying 'This is your opportunity to care, to act and to be more conscious'. Those who take the opportunity are the people who are prepared to raise us. When put to the test, I've found some people are terrible at doing it and others turn out to be truly amazing when given the chance.
