Finding things hard

[Guest_87279946]

Hey I have a 7 month old baby. Married for 7 months. My husband is not an emotional person he doesn’t talk much and it’s hard to get any kind of support from him. I’m currently on maternity leave from work using my LSL and annual leave to be at home. I’m going back to work in a month. I’m struggling with self harm when I get overwhelmed. When it happens I don’t feel anything, it doesn’t hurt and I regret it after. Usually I go to the gym to help me deal with stress so I don’t boil over but with my husband being a shift worker and him prioritising his hobbies over mine I don’t get to the gym anywhere near as much as I’d like, also my daughter has been on/off sick for the last month so I can’t take her to the crèche at the gym like I normally do. My husband seems to get annoyed when I’m looking good making comments that why isn’t he loosing weight. I’m exhausted emotionally and physically right now. I’ve just started a new hobby but don’t have the time for it with no one watching our daughter but me. My husband and I don’t have sex and the rare occasion that he “feels like it” is once a month if that. I’m starting to resent him and don’t feel like being around him a lot of the time because I don’t see any perks right now to being with him. I do all the house work, all my maternity leave pay goes towards our house we’re building so I don’t get to go do things like id want too. I feel like I’ve been stripped of every part of me that makes me me. I want to stop harming myself because I’m worried I’ll do permanent damage.

[Croix]

Dear new Member~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum and can see the hard time life has handed you. A husband who does not seem to care, is not intimate and puts himself first, a sick 7 month old and being off work wiht your LSL and other leave being eaten away.

All these things are very hard to deal with, however self harm followed by gym is not really the way to go, I'm sure you'd agree but find it difficult to find any other way to cope. I'd agree being afraid you could do permanent damage is a sensible worry.

Actually I'm very impressed that you have managed so far, at times the problems must seem overwhelming.

After only 7 months you may still be feeling the effects of having the baby, not just physical exhaustion but mental too. Many feel life is just too hard at that time. May I ask if you  have personal or clinical support? A family member or friend who you can talk with and who may lend a hand, a GP or a psychologist to lean on and receive encouragement?

If you have not done so already can I suggest you go to PANDA, who are the  acknowledged experts in post pregnancy problems. They have information and counceling every day except Sunday.

I know I have not talked about everything htat is wrong, perhaps you might like to come back and talk some more?

Croix

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life that is proving to be so challenging in so many ways.

From my own experience as a mum, I'd have to say one of the toughest jobs in life is being a good parent. While it's relatively easy being an average parent (because we don't have to do all that much in this case), being a good one or a great one can be testing in so many ways. While being a good or a great parent changes you for the better, it can do your head in at times. In some cases it can be incredibly stressful and it can even feel depressing on occasion, for a variety of reasons. While some reasons may be obvious, others can be far from obvious. Not giving yourself enough breaks in order to receive hits of dopamine to the brain (through what you love doing) can be a less obvious one. A dopamine deficiency can become depressing.

I wish someone had told me from the beginning of parenthood that a part of it all can involve raising the other parent to meet with certain demands. While the primary carer of a child or children has no choice but to be unselfish, no choice but to put themself second, no choice but to meet many of the demands of parenthood and no choice but to alter their mind, open their mind and manage their mind, sometimes the other parent believes they have a choice. And yes, absolutely, 100% it can create a sense of resentment. Btw, when it comes to the mind opening mind altering stuff, it definitely develops the problem solver and seer in us when our kids need inside the square and outside the square forms of guidance and support. What I also wish I'd been told from the beginning is 'It's incredibly important to have occasional breaks from what can be mind altering and physically exhausting'. This has many benefits. A few that come to mind are 1)physically it can offer your nervous system a break, 2)mentally it can offer time to reflect on and learn from the day to day experiences and 3)soulfully it can offer time to reconnect with people outside the home who can provide a sense of inspiration amongst other things. 

While my babies are now 19 and 22 years old, it's only in the last handful of years that I've demanded my husband discuss the tough challenges (whether he likes the emotions that come with them or not), be more supportive (even if it doesn't suit him on occasion) and the list goes on when it comes to the things he often gave himself a choice in. While I may sound like a bit of a tough cookie and a hard woman to live with 😊, this simply all came from years of tolerating doing a lot of it on my own, which at times became stressful, lonely and depressing. I laugh when I say being constructively intolerant is good for my mental health 😅.

With the self harming, the lack of support you're receiving from your husband has obviously become serious. It's no longer a minor issue. Not sure if it's something you've returned to (that you were free from for some years) or something new. Either way, you may need to demand your husband find the time so that you can be free to seek support in the way of your wellbeing or maybe a new phase of your partnership (an addition to the family) is demanding you both receive guidance together when it comes to navigating some pretty tough and challenging uncharted territory.