I'm gonna kill myself if things don't get better

[Tibel]

I'm 35 now, and my life has always been pretty mediocre.

It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try, something always trips me up, and I end up treading water.

This coming year, 2025, I'm going to try my hardest, and if my life is still a piece of shit by 2026 I'm going to kill myself.

I know that's shocking to say, maybe it even seems callous. But just try have some empathy. 35 years. For at least 20 of those the only thing that was really keeping me going was dumb optimism. How long do people expect me to hold on to hope when nothing good ever comes?

[Sophie_M]

Hey Tibel,

Thank you for sharing here. It sounds like you are sitting with strong feelings of hopelessness at the moment which can feel like a lot to carry on your own and something that we can all certainly express a deep level of empathy for. 

We have reached out to you privately to make sure you’re okay.  If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. There are also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.   It sounds like it would be a really good time to update the GP on how you’re going, especially since you’ve been having thoughts about suicide.  If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).   

You mentioned you’ve come through a time of incredible depression and suicidality in the past. Is there anything that helped you through that time that you could consider drawing on today?  We’d love to hear if there’s anything coming to mind. Even the tiny things can help get us through the day.

Thank you again for sharing so honestly and openly. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.   

Kind regards,   

Sophie M 

[Tibel]

You mentioned you’ve come through a time of incredible depression and suicidality in the past. Is there anything that helped you through that time...."

Yes

"....that you could consider drawing on today?"

No

"We’d love to hear if there’s anything coming to mind."

You sure about that?

What's kept me going in the past is this notion that all the hard work I've done, all the people I've spoken to with deference and respect, all the supposed friends I've made, all the work I've done on myself, all the labour I've done, all the times I've tried to save money, would amount to me not being a virginal loser who does menial work and lives with his father.

[Tibel]

I was gonna delete this post, but I don't think there's an option for that? Maybe I didn't look hard enough. 

In any case, I had a good day today, and so it's time to reflect on things now that I'm in a more positive mood. I'm not embarrassed by these posts, but I am currently sceptical of them. 

I don't know who I'm going to be a year from now. I don't know what mood I'll be in a year from now. I should know better than to think my material circumstances dictate my mental health. Are they a contributing factor? Of course. But an aphorism I've taken to heart is that the biggest lie we tell ourselves is: "when I get what I want, I will be happy". It's like Schopenhauer said: at the end of every struggle is just the beginning of another one. 

I'm not an incel, and so I understand the tyranny inherent to my condition. It's a bummer to know that some human needs, our social needs and needs for intimacy and esteem, depend on others, and you can't force people to like you. You will be happy to know I rarely make anyone a target of these outbursts. 

I think I have a good head on my shoulders, despite my struggles with mental health I generally am composed and charismatic, I'm disciplined, hardworking, intelligent, kind, loyal, and ambitious, but when these things fail to yield a life that is at least on par with your neighbours, it's just more cognitive dissonance. Speaking of, I gotta stop scrolling Facebook to avoid seeing memes wherein someone expresses their disgust with the male side of the dating pool, then proceeds to describe apparently ubiquitous traits that I, a male, find personally, socially, or morally abhorrent. Regardless, I should be grateful for the fact I am so cognitively and emotionally capable, rather than resent the fact that it makes it hard for many others to relate to me.

There's this famous quote from Nietzsche about "if your soul has sung like a harpsichord for just one moment, then in that moment all of eternity was justified". I'm not sure if I totally agree with the idea, I see what he's getting at but I mostly just like the notion of one's soul "singing like a harpsichord", it's very evocative and traceable to a very real feeling of total bliss and contentment and optimism and even wonder and awe. A feeling that none of those words quite capture on their own, but which "sung like a harpsichord" seems to capture perfectly. Anyway, today I was working on my novel and I had that soul-singing feeling, and I think I'm on to something with this book I'm writing, and, regardless, I'm recognising that this soul-singing feeling is really what matters, and that I'm capable of experiencing them even before the first draft is finished, and while it's important for me to work towards these goals, experience tells me that even if I give up on writing completely, my soul will still sometimes sing like a harpsichord, or a violin, or Sufjan Stevens. I should think about that more, the fact I can not only be so depressed I want to die, but I can also feel so happy I want to die. I wrote a free verse poem today:

Have you ever been so happy you wanted to die? 

Like this, this would be the perfect ending.

Because the feeling is explicitly one of permanence, of having turned some emotional corner.

But, intellectually, you are old enough to know that feelings lie, that in the same way the feeling of permanent misery ended, so too will the feeling of permanent joy. 

And so you feel so happy; so permanently, irredeemably, well-adjusted, that you want to die.

Not because you want the feeling to be over.

Because you want it to be honest.

It's certainly not my best work, but it's still emotionally salient to me so I can still enjoy it. I'm not going to kill myself, not yet anyway, but if I'm to be perfectly honest with you it is good to know I have the option, and, yes, it's also good to know that people care enough to want me to take a step back and think before I do something so drastic.

[therising]

Hi Tibel

I wish someone had told me and warned me, from the beginning, 'Life is about graduating. From one level to the next, your challenge is to raise yourself. If at any time you can't, your job is then to find the person or people who will help you do it. While you may face exciting and truly joyful challenges, you may also face incredibly stressful and deeply depressing challenges. Some challenges can be managed alone and some will be impossible to manage alone'. I can relate to what Schopenhauer said: at the end of every struggle is just the beginning of another one. While seeing it from the perspective of 'graduation', there are lessons to be learned, tests or examinations on what we've learned or are learning and next levels to rise to. There is more than simply struggle. Yes, at times it can all feel like struggle. Btw, as a 54yo gal, it took me around five decades to finally reach my personal revelation in regard to the 'graduation' theory.

I'm glad you're coming to know yourself as a writer. There is something incredibly soulful and fulfilling in regard to being a writer. That 'harpsichord' feeling or experience, for me, equates to 'Here I am, doing what I was naturally born to do and I can feel it'. There is a resonance. If we are a deeply sensitive person (with the ability to easily sense what we feel), I believe we can sense who we are and who we are not. I could say, based on how or what I feel, 'I am a writer. I am also someone who has the ability to feel a depressing level of sufferance through a lack of evolution. I am someone who thrives on and suffers through my imagination, based on what I can see in there at different times. This is who I am, amongst so many other factors'. While I also don't know who I'll be in a year from now, I know for a fact I will be different in some way. Will I have received a greater education in extreme sufferance? I hope not but, still, it may come. Will I be someone who has felt more joy over the course of a year than I have over the entire course of my lifetime, so far? It would be nice to imagine but there are no guarantees.

I accept a part of my identity is 'She who can suffer deeply through feeling the feeling of 'Completely and utterly lost and alone with zero sense of direction''. With all feelings or emotions being telling, while this can be a depressing feeling it's also a handy one that tells me it's time to find a guide or teacher. It's not always clear how I'm meant to be graduating or what the challenges, lessons or tests are actually about. Sometimes I have no clue at all. Btw, with mental health challenges, I've found it pays to become a detective of sorts (always looking for clues).