If I told my psychologist that I am suicidal, what can they do for me?

[Lizzy_e]

Hello everyone,

I'm currently 21 years old and I have been dealing with depression for years now.

It has progressively gotten worse over the past year to the point where I think about suicide almost daily and have made a plan as well as set a date. 

One day, I went to my GP to get a diagnosis where she gave me a Mental Health Treatment Plan and referred me to a psychologist. I have been debating for a few days now whether or not it is worth the psychologists time (or my money) to go see them if I know or feel positive that I may go through with my plan.

My question is, what can my psychologist do for me in this regard? Will they send me to a psychiatrist where I could potentially become an inpatient? I find that I am not completely against the idea but another part of me is telling me that that will not help or stop me. Not to mention, psychiatrists are costly and I have read that they have quite length waiting times. 

I feel very torn.

[indigo22]

Hi Lizzy_e,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am sorry to hear how despondent you have become over the past year. I know from experience how it feels to be so low that nothing seems to matter anymore. In the past, I too have been at a point of making a plan so I do understand and feel for you.

I would like to ask you to think about a few things that may help you feel less torn. I think no matter what illness we are dealing with, it is important to ask ourselves if we have really given ourselves a chance to recover before 'throwing in the towel' (an old boxing term incase you haven't heard it).

Are you able to decipher what events have made you spiral in the past 12 months?

Have you had any support from counselling or medication in the past?

Have you made use of the helplines to talk about what you are going through? 

You are still so young and this is the best time to investigate your options for recovery. I went into major depression early too, but at that time it was not talked about and I was in my 40s before I was diagnosed. Had I got help in the earlier stages, I may have been able to recover more readily than I have been able to later in life (now in my 60s).

I think you should bite the bullet and talk to the psychologist openly about what you are feeling and take it from there. If you are not opposed to being helped, then you owe it to yourself to at least try. It can be difficult to find the right person that you feel comfortable with but it is worth pursuing, when you find the right person to help you, it makes all the difference.

Could you perhaps put your date of departure on hold for the time being and take some steps toward recovery?

It seems to me that you have nothing to lose, but everything to gain.

Please feel free to continue this conversation if you are comfortable doing so.

Be kind to yourself,

indigo

[therising]

Hi Lizzy_e

I feel so deeply for you as you face being torn between 2 paths and torn between 2 types of inner dialogue. While it implies there a 2 very different paths to take and 2 very different forms of inner dialogue, when the darker path and the darker dialogue are far more clear this is what can make it all so hard to manage. I speak from personal experience.

When the best path is completely and utterly unclear, it can be hard to trust in a path we just can't see. With that 'angel on one shoulder, devil on the other' kind of dialogue, when the angelic side is virtually a whisper or is inaudible, all we can end up hearing is the best ways to end things and all the reasons for doing it. Technically, both are forms of guidance. Took me some decades to hit on this revelation. One form of guidance will take us south, into a depression or worse. The other holds the potential to take us in a whole different direction. On the worst of days, that little angel (for example) may suggest 'Why don't you go on the Beyond Blue forums' or 'You can't manage this depression on your own any longer, you need help. You have got to reach out for help'. Not a bad couple of suggestions.

While I don't proclaim to know where the darker dialogue comes from, what I do know is that it can pay to call it out. Maybe a highly questionable way of dealing with such dialogue but I've found the following leads me to be far more conscious of the impact it's having on me: 'You're a thoroughly depressing guide and largely full of sh**. You are a liar, I am worth something even if I can't see it yet. I do have a purpose for remaining on this earth even if I don't know what it is yet. I will make it out of this depression even if I can't feel that possibility right now' and so on. This has helped me combat the kind of inner dialogue that sounds like 'You are worthless, you serve no purpose and you will never make it out of this depression alive'. At rock bottom, the dialogue is at its loudest, at its worst and is most believable. At rock bottom we can be fully convinced of the dark stuff we hear. This is the nature of rock bottom. From a soulful perspective, it basically feels like hell.

There is an amazing man on the forums here known as White Knight (aka 'Tony'). One of many things he's woken me up to is how depressing waiting can become. When you make the appointment with the psychologist or psychiatrist, don't simply wait until you see them. Between now and when you do see them, fill that time with what is going to make some difference to you. If the only thing that makes a positive difference involves coming here to the forums, then come every day until your appointment arrives. And if that little devil on your shoulder insists 'Accessing the forums is a complete waste of your time', a comeback to that could be 'Shut the hell up and get the hell out of my head. I'm going on the forums'. I've found it pays to become defiant.

[Lizzy_e]

Hello indigo22,

Thank you for your reply. It truly means so much to me.

I just don't want to waste anyone's time if I can truly feel deep down that I will act on my plan. To be honest, this isn't my first attempt at trying to recover but more like my last resort? I guess it couldn't help to bite the bullet and reach out but I'm scared that it'll all be for nothing.

And even though I am young, I was raised in a culture where I have so much pressure to achieve so much by now so all that added weight most certainly isn't helping 😞 I just feel so conflicted and lost as to where I'm heading next. 

I hope that you are doing well yourself 🙂

[Lizzy_e]

Hello therising,

Thank you so much for your reply and support. 

You are absolutely correct. The 2 inner dialogues in my mind are in a constant battle. One side has no motivation for anything, finds no joy or excitement in day-to-day life, and cannot see any future for myself. It's telling me that I am just creating filler days every day, waiting for the inevitable. The other side, and the only reason I have not acted on my plans sooner, is the thought of immense grief and despair my leaving will bring upon my family and I hate the thought of that. Other than family, I have no other motivation.

So then devil on my shoulder tells me that they'll eventually get over it and be happy again soon and the angel is telling me that that grief and loss with be with them forever and to not be selfish. 

And with the way my family and I grew up as well as my culture, I feel such a responsibility to live and succeed. I feel like I owe it to my family to grow and help them. But I just cannot find it in me and the guilt eats me alive. 

I hope that you are doing well today:)

[indigo22]

Hi again,

I am doing okay, thank you for asking. That tells me a lot about the kind and caring person that you are.

I don't believe reaching out for help is a waste of anyone's time. I know you are afraid that nothing will help you feel any different to the way you feel right now. But what if you are mistaken?

When I was in that state of mind, it was my nephew who broke the spell (it is a bit like being under a spell having that inner negative voice nagging at you). He simply said "You have to promise me right now that you won't do that, we have already lost so many family members, we can't lose another one", and he was right. If I had gone through with it, they would have had to deal with even more grief instead of learning to recover from the grief we had already been going through. At the time I was at that last resort stage too.

I don't believe any of us truly wants to take that path, but sometimes it can seem like the only way to stop the pain and struggle we are experiencing. I believe that no matter our upbringing, our culture, our stress/pressure or anything else, when we reach that point where we are no longer coping, we must put our own health above everything else and everyone else. You were not born to be beholden to anyone, you were born to be your authentic self, and I think that is what's missing in your life. Give yourself permission to be unburdened by everyone else's needs for a while and allow yourself the time to get well.

You are as important as anyone else on the planet, don't allow yourself to forget that truth.

You matter 💜

indigo

[therising]

Hi Lizzy_e

It's incredible how intensely convincing some of the untruths of inner dialogue can be. I'm familiar with the one you mention, 'Eventually they'll get over it'. I can recall being completely convinced of that when I faced long term depression. There was a day (when I was about 25) where I believed it, took action I regretted and ended up in hospital. It wasn't until many years later that I revealed to my mum just how bad the depression had become at one stage. She never knew about that day. We sat as she cried and told me that she would never have gotten over it. It would have changed the course of her life forever and she would never have been the same person. She would have grieved for the rest of her life (for decades). Now, at 54 and with my own children, I realise how much pain I would have left her in. So, as you know deep down, some people never get over it. While they may manage to get on with their lives, it's a very different life they're getting on with. Looking back, I'd say we can feel our 'anchor people' in 2 ways. In a deep depression, they can feel like an unwelcomed weight that stops us from leaving. On the other hand, they can be grounding in a way that ensures we stay anchored to this world while we're working through deeply depressing struggles.

Regarding the old saying 'It takes a village to raise a child', I believe it can also take a village or community to raise a person who is in a deep depression. Whether the community is a family community, a mental health care team/community, a community of friends, a community like the forums here or something else that brings people together through a common sense of unity, a person should never be left alone to face depression. 'What do we need to do to raise this person?' should be the question they come together to ask. As they grow their consciousness, their ability to open their mind to possibilities, their vision of the way forward and more, sometimes it is the challenge of others to grow and develop in the process of helping us. I smile when I say there have been times where the little angel on my shoulder says 'No one seems to be rising to the challenge of raising you. They really need to get their act together'.😁

Btw, I've found there to be a significant difference between long term depression and episodic depression. With episodic depression, I've found there's the opportunity and sense of freedom (while in a healthier state of mind) to make sense of what is or was depressing. With long term depression, it definitely wears you down and has a whole host of other challenges that come with it.

[smallwolf]

Lizzy_e,

Wondering how you are going at the moment? Hope you are feeling a little better compared to when you wrote your initial post.

I want(ed) to reply to one of the questions you raised ...

what can my psychologist do for me in this regard?

In my limited experience, as someone who has been chatting with (sessions) a psychologist and psychiatrist for a more than a few years, is this ... someone who listens to what you have to say. And in my experience, that someone is non-judgemental and helps me deal with what happens in my mind. They also helped me to formulate a safety plan, and find reasons to live.

Also note that if you do get a plan, the costs can be reduced. And if you go over the safety net, the costs are much less.

When things turned really bad for me, that was when a psychiatrist was added to the mix. The psychiatrist looks after my medication and leaves the head stuff to the psychologist. That does not mean the psychiatrist does not listen to me talking, and also offers their 2c worth which I have found helpful.

Also neither have the ability to "make" me an in-patient.

And while I might have only talked to them for between 45min to 1hr, other times of the week I would also chat here to get perspectives from others who have gone through similar experiences. And that is the gold.