I'm lost.

[NakitaB]

I (20F) have been struggling with mental health ever since I can remember. My earliest memories I have of my life is me feeling unworthy and depressed because my dad left my mum before I was born and so my mum blamed me for him leaving her, my older brother and me. "He didn't want you", "he wanted me to get an abortion because he never wanted a daughter", "he never loved any of us" she would tell me, my earliest memory of this was aged 6 or 7. My father was never in my life until I was around 12, He sent me and my older brother a message on Facebook. A couple of months later he flew to Brisbane to see us both with his new girlfriend, we met at a Mcdonalds and sat and talked for a while. after that we kept in contact on Facebook for a while and he now had my phone number, so we called each other occasionally. Flash forwards a couple of years, aged 17 I lost my poppy (grandpa) he was my favorite person and I really struggled with my mental health and started therapy, I almost didn't graduate high school because of it. six months later I wound up in a psychiatric ward for a week only a month before my 18th birthday, the nurses and doctors in the psych ward didn't believe any of what I was telling them and told me "Your parents (my mum and stepdad) say there's nothing wrong with you". the Two years following that have been hell, I've been on so many different medications and overdosed on almost all of them with an intent to kill myself. I've seen many different psychologists, psychiatrists, councilors and doctors to get a diagnosis and get put on the right medication to help me but still nothing. Amongst those there are many other traumatic events that I could list but we'd be here forever. I started dating my partner (20M) almost a year and a half ago and he's been an amazing support person to me, we occasionally have fights over little things but overall he's a great support person to me. I guess what I'm saying is I feel lost, I feel depressed every single day, some days I find it so hard to get out of bed. I would love some advice on what I can do to make my situation a little easier to manage because im honestly sick and tired of trying, I am sick and tired of fighting the illness or illnesses I have. I am sick and tired of not being listened to and sick and tired of my mental health issues being swept under the rug because people find them to complex.  I am linked into the mental health team at my local hospital. any advice is good

[r3410]

Nakita,

I am so sorry that you were made to feel worthless or like a burden but I am so proud of you for fighting. All of the effort you have put into trying to get better- I commend you. I've seen how the mental health system works in Aus and it's honestly dishearting so I empathize with you. 

To be frank I can't give you the best advice because A. I'm not a professional and B. I don't know you. 

But from what I can tell I would suggest getting a new hobby- I really enjoy journaling. I pretend I'm writing it to a stranger from the future, someone who will finish reading my life and think 'Damn they were impressive- going through all of that and they still achieved XYZ' 

That's how I hope it will turn out anyway. Please keep trying. I find joy in media- ik it's escapism but it has truly helped me get through some dark times and kept me going.

I hope things get better for you.

Sincerely, a stranger on the internet.

[therising]

Hi NakitaB

I wish, from the beginning, you were led to know how valuable you are, what a gift you are. My heart goes out to you as you face the sufferance that comes with not knowing.

Two of my greatest teachers are my kids (20yo daughter and 17yo son). Without them, I would not be who I am today. They've raised me in the ways of patience, resilience, in opening my mind, in learning what love truly is etc. While your dad chose to forgo everything he could have learned from 2 of his greatest teachers, your mum should never have blamed you for him leaving. He chose what was easier and that's in no way your fault. 

I swear there are more who don't fully listen compared to those that do. If you're a serious feeler, you'll easily feel the difference between the 2. I imagine you can feel a lack of attention (based on body language and tone of voice) and you can feel dismissal through words like 'You just need to get on with life and stop overthinking'. Maybe you can feel put downs such as 'You're too sensitive'. Btw, sensing is an ability not a fault. Major trigger is when you feel what's enraging, only to hear 'You need to calm down'. This triggers the warrior princess in me (aka the intolerant cow)😊. Ever felt that part of you come to life? Starts around the solar plexus (churning away), rises up to the chest/heart and then the throat where out through the mouth come the kind of words that have you thinking 'Where the heck did that come from?'. A powerful energetic facet of self, producing some serious heat.

I wish you knew who you naturally are, all the facets that make up you - the warrior, the child who's worth loving, leading and defending, the part that feels love through energy and evolution, the seer who sees and leads the way, the victim/survivor who's worth crying for etc. There's just so much waiting to be heard and felt, waiting to come to life. We can spend a lifetime suppressing as opposed to being taught how to bring it to life.