stress induced suicidal thoughts

[enluv7]

hi everyone,

i've been having rlly bad suicidal thoughts recently that i believe are stress induced. i think the main contributor to this stress is my university workload. i dont even like the course im currently doing yet i still continue to do it because i know that if i drop out, my parents will hate me for it and my relatives will judge me for it. i cant seem to cope with the workload or meet deadlines and ive literally been so stressed out of my mind that i cant seem to find a balance between uni and work. ive also noticed that im constantly self-loathing, growing distant with my family, stressing about the future and ive been bottling up all my emotions that the only time i 'feel' is when i breakdown. im too scared to open up to my family, specifically my parents because i hate breaking down in front of them and most of the time, they don't understand me or the personal issues i face. i genuinely haven't been seeing the purpose in living anymore and i feel like these suicidal thoughts are eating me from the inside out.  

[therising]

Hi enluv7

My heart goes out to you as you struggle greatly with the kind of dialogue that can become brutally mind altering, heartbreaking and even soul destroying. A lot of people have a variety of names for it - 'the inner critic', 'inner demon/s', 'the black dog' barking away, the list goes on. It can sound like 'You know if you leave this job/study, everyone will see you as a failure and they'd be right. You are a failure. You're no good at anything and you never will be'. It's horrible, it's depressing and it's filled with lies. The truth could sound more like 'I'm failing to do a job my heart's not in, a highly stressful job I don't like and one that's making me sick every single day. One thing I will not fail to do and that is leave it. I will not fail to take a course/path in life that brings me greater joy'.

If you definitely don't like the course or industry you'll be a part of after that course, you could say you're working hard towards a job you don't want and won't enjoy. Doesn't mean you won't like it when you're 35. Could be something you return to later down the track. On the other hand, if you're feeling exhausted and can see yourself wanting to be a part of that industry, perhaps deferring might be the way to go. If the latter is the case, I imagine the course counselors at uni would be able to give you guidance. Could simply say to people 'I've decided to fully invest in work outside of uni so I can save to fund the kind of life I want for myself'.

May sound strange but I've said to my 2 kids over the years 'I'll never say 'I'm proud of you', for it's you that must practice being proud of yourself. This way, if you do something no one agrees with and everyone judges you for you can still manage to have pride in yourself based on you having practiced'. I should add, there are plenty of times where I've said to them 'You should be proud of yourself, you're amazing'.

'To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment' - Ralph Waldo Emerson

My deepest wish is for you to find you and discover the joy in that ❤️