I give up

[Done_]

I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m tired of being tired and I’m tired of having to multitask between the loudness of my head, my anxiety, being in pain all the time from SH working a full time job that I get bullied at but shoe no emotion. I’m just tired and I can’t go on like this. Knowing my shit is incurable makes it worse bc what’s the point then if it’s never going to get better. My behaviours are getting out of hand and I can’t stop them but professionals say otherwise. My episodes are more frequent and my impulsivity it’s too much and detrimental. I can’t anymore. I just can’t. 

[Done_]

I was discharged yesterday for an overdose. I don’t even know what to say except I’m still here and I’m not okay with being here. 

[therising]

Hi Done_

I feel for you so much, in such a heartfelt way. One of the greatest challenges in life can involve walking out of the ED and asking our self the question 'Where do I go from here?'. I'm going back many years when I recall that thought and feeling. It's a horrible feeling, I think because we can feel more lost than ever. You look around and everyone else's is getting with life as though nothing's changed but it has changed for you. It's one of the strangest feelings, in my opinion. The best way I can think to describe it is it feels like a kind of reality shift in a way. I suppose you could say it's a change in consciousness. The question is 'How has my consciousness changed?' or 'What am I now more conscious of?'.

With so many years between then and now, what are some of the things I have become more conscious of (over time)?

• Just how much depressing or uninspiring people can impact me, if I don't remain conscious of their influence or become more conscious of it. They are 'down shifters' and you can definitely feel that shift at times
• Just how much I can sense within myself and outside of myself. Managing sensitivity requires great self understanding and skill. Finding people who can help with such things are those I'd refer to as 'fast trackers'. I can suffer along my path in life or find fast trackers who can take me further along my path by teaching me how I tick
• Discovering what works for me, compared to what works for others. What works for me is outside the square or outside the mainstream, therefor it's not everyone's cup of tea. I've been criticised and ridiculed for it, which was initially deeply depressing until I came to accept it as being my thing. When once my 'go to' person would have been a psychologist or counselor for helping with mental health issues, nowadays it's a seer. Yes, I'm a 'woo woo' gal. I figure I could pay a psychologist 5 lots of $120 or so to reach a point where I'm no better off (been there, done that) or I could pay my guy, my seer, to see for me what I can't see but need to see (in one single session). The first time I ever met him, he had me in tears. He described exactly what he saw and advised me along the lines of 'You accept everyone throwing mud and sh** at you and you try to live the life they want you to live and it's painful. You have got to learn to wash off the mud and stick to the path that serves you, for it's your path'. While I only see this guy once every 5 years or so (when I become deeply depressed and incredibly lost), he has never failed to make an enormous difference to me. As I say, not everyone's cup of tea but this works for me
• Managing inner dialogue is an absolute 100% must. I found a good book to be 'Insanely Gifted: Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. Speaking with others who experience intense inner dialogue also makes a big difference. While our inner critic can be incredibly helpful at times, sounding like a relentless and tough army commander pointing out our 'weaknesses' while motivating us through a 'tough love' approach, if it gets brutal enough it can depress us and even break us at times

Just a handful of things I've discovered over the years. For me, when I was younger, I used to 'manage' a lot of that stuff with alcohol. It would turn the volume down on how I felt depressing people, turn the volume down on being able to sense (as a sensitive person), turn the volume down on mental and emotional issues (until I sobered up) and turn the volume down on tormenting inner dialogue. One thing alcohol never did was give me the skills to manage all of that naturally. One thing no one seems to tell us, growing up, is 'Life requires a heck of a lot of skills or tools with which to manage'. We can end up kinda freestyling or winging our way through it, doing out best. Then one day that approach can start to feel like 'Twisting in the wind, while feeling completely lost, with no sense of direction'.

[Done_]

I’m too tired to even try anything else. I’m living on adrenaline and humouring my GP and both Psychs. This last section was an absolute disaster. By disaster meaning that I walked out breathing. Tried this site for the helpline but I froze so it was useless. If I wasn’t living with myself 24/7 I’d never believe that I hold down a full time job and play pretend all day, 5 days a week. I know I’m stubborn and it’s not easy to be open to things like other people can. My brain just doesn’t brain for anything anymore I’m just auto piloting my life away anyways. 
I know I’m just being a downer and so negative. But believe me when I say I’ve tried and don’t want to anymore. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey Done_,

Thanks for posting in the forums today. We’re sorry to hear that you’ve been dealing with thoughts of giving up. We’re glad that you could share this with our community. If you'd like some more immediate support with this, please reach out to the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636, or online here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/

If you're feeling like you may be unable to keep yourself from acting on thoughts of suicide or self-harm, it's important to get some help. If you have a treating team, contact them. If you’re not sure who to call, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14. If there is an immediate risk of harm to yourself or others, please call 000.

Thanks again for sharing here.

Kind Regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

The worst thing about long term depression is how exhausting it can be. Mix that with relentless anxiety and it would definitely feel like hell on earth. I can understand the desperation and longing to escape what feels like hell on earth.

Depression can feel like such a deep dark well. We may not be aware that we're standing on the brink (of going in). We may not even feel ourself having gone into the well but part of the way down, at some point, we definitely start to feel it. Rock bottom is the worst, which is an understatement. I don't think anything accurate describes it. There are things that may come close to describing it but nothing really does describe it perfectly, so that people who've never been there can fully understand. Any word we can think of that comes close to describing it, you can throw 'complete and utter' ahead of it. It's not just about exhaustion or despair, it's about complete and utter exhaustion and despair. It doesn't feel like torture, it feels like complete and utter torture. The list goes on.

With the DSM 5 (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Vol. 5), it can be helpful for diagnosing certain conditions but it can also be lacking in the way it fails to cover what can feel depressing, anxiety inducing and soul destroying. For example, it doesn't address inner dialogue as being a condition in itself, simply something that is a part of other conditions. So, the one thing we can be struggling with the most (inner dialogue) is not given the recognition it really needs. It's kinda messed up when you think about it, especially when considering how highly destructive inner dialogue can be in the depths of depression or at the height of anxiety. When inner dialogue has the ability to alter our perception, alter our physical chemistry, create a heaven or a hell on earth, dictate our steps forward in life, impact our imagination (regarding what we're led to imagine) and so much more, you seriously have to wonder why it's not given its own section in the DSM. Until it is, people will continue to suffer horribly and in torturous ways through inner dialogue. This is one of the reasons I like to research or explore a little outside the square. Some of what's outside the square can help with managing what is not always addressed inside.

[smallwolf]

I hear you.

It sounds completely overwhelming, and I’m really sorry you’re in such a tough place. It doesn’t sound like you’re being negative — it sounds like you’re exhausted and doing everything you can just to keep going, and that’s no small thing?

I don’t have perfect words, but I care and I’m listening.

If you ever do feel up to trying again... whether it’s the helpline or just a message to someone: that is a big thing. And if you do freeze up, it might not be the right time. Or you could write down what you want to say before hand.

Maybe you want to chat about something else altogether?  For example, what sort of things you liked doing? Or music? Whatever you want...

[Done_]

Update:

tried and failed, tried again, got caught and interrupted and now in pecc for 2 weeks so far against my will from a police section. Proves that I’m a failure and can’t do anything right.
Being held hostage is how I describe things right now. And to top it off being held down by 6 or so people and sedated was overkill. I’m mad, I’m traumatised but given the chance I’d do it again and win. 
Sorry if it’s a trigger but was awol for a bit to the replies and that’s currently my nightmare atm. Whateverrrrr I’m over this shit.

[smallwolf]

hey Done_,

what you described sounded terrifying.... being held down by 6 people. I hope you are feeling a little better now?

[Done_]

Sorry I’ve been out of the picture for a bit. I was in sound mind then and I really wanted to leave this world. I stayed in that section for a month. I tried again...  but that was 2 weeks ago. Today I feel blah but not how it was. I’m thankful to the drs and nurses that kept me alive and I could see and looking back they all tried beyond their efforts to be keep me here. I wasn’t easy, my triggers, my episodes and especially SH where require stitches under their care. I know I wasn’t easy but I can see clearly how hard immensely hard they worked to keep me here and alive. I’m far from okay. I’ve agreed for a private hospital that I will be going to this coming week. I know it’s not a fix but it’s going to help with the little things like medication, environment and hopefully some therapy if I’m open to it. Next step will be going back to work. I’m lucky enough to have my full time job ready and available to me. These last 2-3 weeks being out has not been easy and I’ve had quite a few SH slip ups but still I’m so grateful to the team that stood their ground despite the fight I put up. 
 

I’m also grateful to you all that acknowledged my struggles here on this forum without judgement. Thank you all so much. I apologise if I triggered or frustrated anyone on here. But thanks for the comments and I’ve read all I’ll try my best to give myself another shot at life. I can’t ever guarantee that my initial post won’t resurface again as it’s a possibility. But at this moment in time thank you everyone. 

[smallwolf]

Hello Dome_,

I am a little unsure how to respond to what sounds an emotional post.  And equally happy to hear that you are still around to respond. I also think (from your most recent post) that those in your workplace are also supportive and want you around. I'm unsure about what you will be doing over the next weeks but hope you might get the opportunity to reply here, and talk about whatever might be on your mind. 

Listening...