Reaching the inevitable end

[O_J]

I am safe and currently not at risk. 

I'm 38, married and have a 2 year old son. Since I was 12 I've had depression. There's been periods it's been severe and overwhelming and there's been others where it's in the background. But at all times it's been there.

It seems recently it's taken full control of my thoughts and actions. The last few weeks I've been on autopilot just to get through the days. It's starting the effect my job and family and people are starting to notice. I'm finding it difficult to engage in social events without becoming noticeably melancholy and detached.

Last night I came to closest I've been in over 10 years. I got right up to the line but backed out. I didn't feel anything during the preparation. At the last second I felt fear and shame, that stopped me. Afterwards I felt a mild sense of euphoria and dissociation.

I don't know how I'm going to move forward without my depression negatively effecting (or ruining) my work and social life. I'm worried if it keeps going like this I'll step over the line and ruin my family.

I don't have active thoughts of self harm nor do I have a plan. But I am having a dark episode.

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

Please accept a warm welcome here to the Forum, I'm very glad you came as the title you gave this thread includes the words "inevitable end", and that worries me a lot.

You have done a great job to survive: school, having two babies and holding down a job all the while depression is holding you down. It is a victory and you must be tough - even if you think otherwise.

Why do I worry about you? Well becuse I felt exactly the same, I was mostly hanging on though tried to take my life more than once,  but was convinced eventually that it is how it was going to end,no other options -or so it seemed.

At that stage I was facing this part of my life by myself, nobody knew, though ,like in your situation others had noticed a change in me. Eventually life got so bad I told someone else, and it was like a weight lifted off me at that moment.

You have had depression for a long time, and it does come in waves. Are you facing this alone or do you have help -clinical or otherwise?

If you are already under treatment then please go back and say your treatment is not working. You do not have to have constant suicidal thoughts, it can come on you quickly without them and you need to know what to do.

Your clinicians need to widen their trials of medications and therapies as the current does not work. One of the main things that helped me was that after I'd tried a great many medications one, a rather unconventional one, actually worked. Not a complete cure of course, but it enabled me to live a life I'd not want to part with.

That plus therapy plus a very supportive partner who put up with a lot has help me though. Do you have anyone in your life, a family member or friend perhaps, you can talk frankly with whenever you feel overwhelmed? That talk does not have to be magic, just the pause and knowing someone cares can be enough.

If it is all to much ring 000 - it's not so bad. Do you have a safety plan? I use Beyond Now, though it would take me a whole post to explain how to use it effectively, it's not waht you think.

In the meantime can you think of things you have enjoyed in the past, or taken your mind away from everyday life? Thinking can be hard, someone who knows you might be able to help you remember.

Each evening reserve a while for yourself and do one of those things. I use a chapter in a favorite book, walking outside with Foxy Dog, talking with a freind who amuses me and many more. Yours will of course be different. It gives you something to look forward to each day -a bit of enjoyable self care.

It is more important than you might think.

I've said a lot of things in this post, more than enough for now.

If you would like to come back we can talk some more

Croix

[O_J]

Thanks for the reply,  Croix

I’m not currently on a mental health care plan. I’ve been on various medications since I was 14 and done a lot of CBT and interventional therapy. I’m kind of bored with the routine but I have strongly considered going back on medication just to tapper off the edges. It’s a little hard with the work I do, we’re vetted and drug tested regularly and anti-depressants/anxiety medication has to be approved before being taken or it’s instant dismissal. I’m not allowed to take it with me into work because it’s a security risk. There’s a lot involved and there’s a big stigma against it.

I’ve got a good support network. I have close friends and family I can talk to. I don’t feel like talking to them but I know the option is there.

I’m very very detached at the moment from feelings of joy or happiness. I feel sadness and fatigue very easily, but instead of happiness I just feel empty. I’ll make a Doctor’s appointment and see how we go from there.

[Croix]

Dear O_J~

Seeing a doctor sounds a good plan, after all typically what you said "I’m very very detached at the moment from feelings of joy or happiness. I feel sadness and fatigue very easily, but instead of happiness I just feel empty. " is exactly what depression can do, it fills the mind and leaves not room for the happier things. I felt the same.

I too have had CBT and may have had interventionist therapies, but am unsure to what you  are referring.  I stress that everyone is different and many gain greatly from such therapies, including CBT. However in my case CBT made matters worse, and others did nothing. The most successful for me has been simple talk therapy.

Hopefully if you are prescribed any medication it will meet the criteria of your work and do some good.

Knowing you have support 'in theory' from family and friends, is all very well however  I would suggest you actually talk to one or more and be frank. Trying to cope alone makes things harder.  If they care for you stigma will not come into it.

Croix