I give up

[Done_]

I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m tired of being tired and I’m tired of having to multitask between the loudness of my head, my anxiety, being in pain all the time from SH working a full time job that I get bullied at but shoe no emotion. I’m just tired and I can’t go on like this. Knowing my shit is incurable makes it worse bc what’s the point then if it’s never going to get better. My behaviours are getting out of hand and I can’t stop them but professionals say otherwise. My episodes are more frequent and my impulsivity it’s too much and detrimental. I can’t anymore. I just can’t. 

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome.

You matter.

That you have written on this forum what you are going through, and sounds painful in every way, putting that into words takes courage.

Even if professionals haven’t fully understood you yet, there are people who will listen, who do care, and who can walk with you on this journey. I would hope there is help that fits you. I also hope you can give yourself even a small ounce of the compassion you’ve been denied elsewhere.

You don’t have to be “okay” to keep going. You just need a little space to breathe—and someone to remind you that even if it feels hopeless now, this isn’t the end of your story.

If you're in immediate danger or feel like you might hurt yourself, please reach out to a crisis line or someone you trust. You're not a burden. You're a person who deserves support and relief from this pain.

Listening...

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at what sounds like the most challenging or perhaps worst time of your life. My heart goes out to you so much.

No one prepares us for the worst time of our life. It can feel like the most confusing and tormenting time, the most depressing time, the loneliest time and the most hopeless time. It can be a time where inner dialogue is at it's worst and if we've got any so called 'inner demons' it can feel like they're finally getting the better or us. It can basically feel like some kind of hell on earth. Finding others who can relate to this can definitely be key to gaining some relief and direction. When no one around us is making life any easier (the complete opposite in some cases), finding people who can relate can offer us what we need most. As smallwolf mentions, 'Even if professionals haven’t fully understood you yet, there are people who will listen, who do care, and who can walk with you on this journey'. Such people can sometimes make the difference professionals aren't able to make.

Out of all the things that lead you to feel a sense of sufferance, what would you say is the one thing (above all else) that you suffer with or through the most? Give yourself the freedom to express it here. Whether it involves the overwhelming struggle with inner dialogue or perhaps the ability to sense so much in life (including sensing all that is stressful and depressing), feel free to express yourself and the level or type of sufferance you feel. The strongest and most inspiring relationships are typically formed through being able to relate. I hope we can offer you relationships that make the difference you so desperately need and deserve. ❤️

[Ben5]

That sounds really tough and I can’t imagine what you’re going through with these circumstances. But putting a message in here is courageous and an important first step

It’s difficult and everyone is different, but I try and not think about the future. Just a day at a time. And having people who can understand and relate can be a comfort or reassurance.

[Done_]

Thank you i appreciate your response. Professionals won’t understand, they could never. It’s very rare be to find anyone that’s not in their profession just for the money and actually want to help. It’s tiring chasing the people who say they’re qualified for specified issues but the moment they read detailed referrals they say no. Like how can they be qualified in issues they deem to difficult to take on and it’s confusing and makes no sense and each rejection is a trigger and causes episodes, so it’s best I just don’t chase it and delay any sort of permanent action. Anyway it doesn’t matter. Thank you for reading my drama and acknowledging. 

[Done_]

I didn’t expect anyone to respond or even acknowledge anything I said.

It’s hard having to deal with shitty people everyday at work and tasks get so overwhelming and one issue feeds off another issue and I work myself up on the inside and feel like I could smash a wall but it is so agonising to display a straight face and maintain a conversation with how f’d up my insides feel. And 9 times out of 10 all that shit comes to the surface in my spare moment that I have no choice but to go and seek help. I don’t even know how bad it is ant the time until after and it’s like i know but i don’t but also paralysed to stop and that’s the part that i can’t actually put into a proper explanation when the professionals ask me why so instead I don’t bother to reply. And I have no idea how I even do it but I finish my physically demanding shift in the state that I’m in, smile on my face and play pretend until I walk out the door and I’m just so tired and sick of the pain in my body and the torture in my head and it’s every single day it just doesn’t let up. Anyway I’ll shut up now I don’t even know if I’m making any sense. Thanks for listening! 

[therising]

Hi Done_

Everything you say makes complete sense. I think one of the toughest things to do in life can involve managing everyone else's lack of ability. What I mean is when people lack the ability to manage their own triggering nature (like those who you face at work), when they lack the ability to help you put how you feel into words (including mental health professionals), when folk lack the ability to take ownership or accountability when it comes to how they've impacted others etc etc, the question 'Why the hell am I trying to manage everyone else's lack of ability?!' comes to mind. When life is easier for others, based on them not having to manage, it's enough to make you want to scream.

It's amazing how such a simple word like 'because' can make things so much clearer. While you mention '...I'm just so tired and sick of the pain in my body and the torture in my head...', throw 'because' in there and it becomes 'I'm just so tired and sick because of the pain in my body and the torture in my head (and how unrelenting it is)'. Life can be very different for someone who has breaks from an anxiety inducing level of stress and/or breaks from what can feel deeply depressing, compared to someone who has no breaks. As a 54yo gal who faced long term depression earlier in life (for 15 years or so) and faces depressing periods in life these days, long term or ongoing mental health challenges offer no breaks when it comes to relief and the time to make better sense of things. Legitimately, one of my greatest fears in life is returning to long term depression. I'd say that this fear is what's led me to become a major researcher when it comes to how I tick (mentally, physically and naturally). It's said that 'emotion' or 'energy in motion' can be stored in the body. I'm wondering whether you've ever researched 'How is emotion stored in the body?'. Finding ways to release it or vent it can be a whole other area of research.

[Ben5]

I understand where you’re coming from and you don’t need to apologise for venting here (even though I’d do the same). It’s hard knowing how much is going on in your head but people not understanding or taking you seriously. There is no perfect solution but I find acknowledging what you find difficult and being able to just say, in a concise direct way, what’s going on can be helpful.

its really difficult and something I struggle with. People tell you to be honest and then they get upset you’re feeling that way. I empathise and unfortunately don’t have a solution.

[Done_]

The last time I was direct and concise I walked out of ED with a false and exaggerated discharge summary. Honesty gets me into trouble and lying gets me into trouble with myself so there’s no winning either way. The system, despite being grateful that it’s free mostly is terrible and the professionals are terrible. I’ve had so many episodes since my original post and it’s scary. Contemplating being honest and the punishment that comes with it but not even sure.

[therising]

Sometimes I think the outcome depends on who we speak to. Doesn't seem fair, hey, the luck of the draw when it comes to finding the best people to speak to. It's like you can find a psychologist, for example, who treats in a textbook kind of fashion. They apply everything they've learned through studying psychology from textbooks at uni. In fact, what we may really need is a highly intuitive psychologist. This would be someone who may hear that little voice in their head saying 'What this person is facing is not a textbook case of depression, there's a lot more to it'. The 2nd type of psychologist doesn't treat their client like a textbook case and the client greatly benefits from that.

With the 2 different types of mental health professionals, the differences can be many. While they could both encourage complete honesty with how we're feeling or perceiving life, they may treat that honesty differently. In a textbook case, we could see ourself on a heavy dose of anti depressants with little explanation as to why we've been prescribed this medication. On the other hand, we could find a more sensitive psychologist might say 'I'm going to prescribe these antidepressants because they're known to help with dopamine uptake and you'd benefit from this while we delve further into what it is that's leading you to feel deeply depressed'. There's more respect in the 2nd approach, with that person respecting your right to know exactly why you're taking the medication and how it's going to help you on a progressive path ahead.

While there can be many benefits that come from the world of psychology, psychiatry etc, I'm not the biggest fan of some aspects of it. There can be faults in the system, just like with most systems. Even Carl Jung felt the faults, especially when it came to Freudian psychology. While he acknowledged that while, yes, we do work on a mental and physical level, we also tick on a natural or soulful level (something he researched extensively). While he addressed mental and physical issues, he also addressed issues that were naturally soul destroying. He was a bit of an all rounder in his treatments. I think what some mental health professionals overlook is the fact that we're more than how we appear, more than our brain or our mind and more than a big fleshy bag of chemistry gone wrong in some cases. There is something far deeper to us, that can often be overlooked or dismissed and we can suffer through such dismissiveness.