I am new here

[BetweenThePoles]

Hello,

I am new to forums and hope this is the right area to post this. Decided to come to this site because I need support, I have no support network that can help me with my problems. I have a close friend with the bipolar and she’s angry with me. She doesn’t tell me why and pushes me away. This has been happening for some weeks. It hurts me because she is important to me. I am so upset. She won’t communicate with me. Last night I sat outside and wanted to hurt myself. Self hurt has never come to my mind before even though I have depression and have had it for a few years. Only because of how it would impact my Mum that I did not hurt myself. My friend says I have problems and she’s probably right but without her telling me what I have done wrong I don’t know what to do. Self improvement is something I am prepared to do. I read on this site about bipolar but I can’t tell if the bipolar is the problem or if I am. I need help please, I am hurting so bad.

[BetweenThePoles]

The most frustrating aspect of this is that’I can’t talk her about our most recent disagreement as she has blocked on all social media and even if we hadn’t, we never get the chance to talk about these things anyway, she just sweeps them under the rug and considers them water under bridge. I feel that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s accumulating. She just doesn’t seem to be one of those people that says, “Ah, fair enough. I see what’s happened there. Let’s move on.”. She slightest mistake or oversight leave me subjected to being the bad guy. It almost feels like she doesn’t want to find the solution to an argument because it means someone has to concede.

‘there is humility is doing that and it can strengthen friendship I’ve never seen her practise it.

[therising]

Hi BetweenThePoles

I feel for you so much. Sounds like the friendship has thrown even more significant challenges your way.

It almost feels like she doesn’t want to find the solution to an argument because it means someone has to concede. ‘there is humility in doing that and it can strengthen friendship.

Agree with you 100%. It's a humbling experience to acknowledge our own faults/flaws and a very challenging and uncomfortable one at times. I suppose some of the difficulty can involve faults or flaws being a subjective matter. What I may see as a fault may not be considered a fault by another. They therefor may say 'I don't see a problem. Why work on something that's not a problem'. I suppose it's all a matter of perception.

Actually, when it comes to a fault or flaw, had a bit of an epiphany the other day. A friend told me how they'd overlooked something at work which led to them not receiving a commission bonus. They were really annoyed with themself. They said 'It was my own fault' to which I asked 'What is your fault?' Their response was 'Not getting that money'. I suggested there is a fault in there that led them to not get the money. By the end of the conversation, they realised that one of their faults or flaws is complacency/lack of attention to detail, to some degree. It's amazing how many times in life I've said the words 'Sorry, my fault' without ever giving significant thought to what that fault actually is. With a lack of consciousness, I'm deemed to repeat it. The epiphany came down to realising the gravity of the statement 'It's my fault'. It's humbling to take ownership of what we've finally become conscious of.

I suppose you could actually say that not understanding a lot of the intricacies of bi-polar is a fault, one you set out to eliminate. Brilliant and thoughtful job by the way, delving into the research with that book. Personally, if I was your friend, I would have felt so deeply touched based by the fact you wanted to understand my struggles in a greater way and help me through them. I wish more people had have done this for me when I lived a number of years in depression, some time ago. Again, you are an amazing friend. You took thoughtful responsibility and was shut out for it.

To me, it sounds like you are doing all you possibly can to make a difference in your friend's life. I feel you should now be focusing more on how brilliant you are based on how much you've raised yourself through these challenges, on top of your own.

🙂

[BetweenThePoles]

Hey TheRising,

Thanks again for your reply. Yes, I would have thought that most people would feel gratified at their friend going out if their way to understand their mental illness better. She certainly didn’t mind when I looked into it with her initially, and guided her toward seeking medication. She was grateful, This time however, she was already irritated about my lack of fanfare towards a random meme that someone sent her. She was trying to make me jealous. It didn’t work. It just made it abundantly clear she was in the mood for silly mind games. I was mentally exhausted because I had sent her something in the mail and because it didn’t arrive as soon as she’d liked, she was freaking out over it and stressing me out big time. Needless to say, there was a lot of unhealthy stuff going on at the time and it resulted j her having a massive meltdown and terminating our friendship.

Although I didn’t mean to, I lied to you and to myself when you asked me if she was accountable for her behaviour. She’s not. There is never any remorse or apologies, just an urge to sweep things under the rug. It’s sad to say this but my life has been so much better without Deanna being a part of it. I loved our friendship and miss talking to her, but I don’t deserve the insults and put-downs she dished out on me.

She invited me to list things I dislike about myself that I see in other people. I saw this as an opportunity to test the water, as it were. I rattled off about half a dozen denigrating things about myself, things that are not part of who I am at all. Not only did she say she was impressed by the list, she didn’t dispute any of them. I asked her to do the same and she could only come up with one thing : impatience. That’s how idealistic and blameless she sees herself.

[BetweenThePoles]

In spite of all of this, even though we are not friends anymore, her presence in my life changed its course in a very significant way, and I did the same for her, and she’s grateful for it and as am I. It didn’t last, but the positive impact we had on each other will.

My life has taken a completely different trajectory which couldn’t have happened without Deanna. Nobody else could have been that person. I am reminded of her daily, and I’m OK with that. A few years ago I took a photograph of the great nebulae in the constellation of Orion, with my refracting telescope.

Deanna so kindly had it printed on a canvas for me and it hangs above my bed.

I’m starting school soon, an odd thing to be doing at 44 but I am learning Australian Sign Language so that I can give back to the community. That aside, having MS means my employment options are limited. I’m excited about starting!

Thank you again, TheRising, you are indeed a very kind and caring soul.

[therising]

Hi BetweenThePoles

Sounds like you've stepped foot on a new path which is incredibly exciting. Who knows where this path may lead or how it's going to introduce you to the people who will go on to change your life further. Life holds wonderful mystery at times.

People definitely shape us in the most unexpected ways. Sounds like you can relate to how even the most challenging of people can lead us to find the best in our self. They can lead us to become expert at reading others as well as our self. I'd say it's like they help you 'tune in' to a natural ability you've always had but never mastered for one reason or another. Wondering if you can relate to my own experience

• I've learned to identify a degrading person, through the behaviour of people who've degraded me. Through them, I've learned to identify what degradation feels like. It is not a nice feeling. Sometimes I can be on a high and come across someone who leads my insides to feel like I'm going down 10 floors in an elevator. Fwoooom, down I go. I can literally feel what a degrading person does to me. I used to stay down but now that's not the case. Now, I can be left thinking 'I can feel what you're doing to me. Why are you doing it?' It's become more so about me wondering about that person, not me taking their words personally. 'What would lead them to degrade others?' I should also add, I can feel what an inspirational person gives me. Up 10 flights we go 🙂

I've found challenging people have managed to put me more in touch with my feelings and the abilities that these feeling present. While society in general tends to label sensitivity as a bad thing ('You need to toughen up'), sensitivity is exactly what connects us more to our 6th sense. You can have people say to you 'How the heck did you know that?' with your response being 'Oh, I just felt it was the case and trusted this feeling and what it was telling me'. Before you know it, you're beginning to feel your way through life to a greater degree. Of course, life can feel like a roller coaster ride, when you can feel all the ups and downs 🙂

You're on the path of learning a beautiful gift to give to those without the sense of hearing. Not only will you give them the opportunity to communicate freely with you, you will also raise them. Imagine being in a part of the world where no one spoke your language and then imagine finding someone who does. Would it not raise you to a smile? I do believe you were born to raise people.

🙂