I am new here

[BetweenThePoles]

Hello,

I am new to forums and hope this is the right area to post this. Decided to come to this site because I need support, I have no support network that can help me with my problems. I have a close friend with the bipolar and she’s angry with me. She doesn’t tell me why and pushes me away. This has been happening for some weeks. It hurts me because she is important to me. I am so upset. She won’t communicate with me. Last night I sat outside and wanted to hurt myself. Self hurt has never come to my mind before even though I have depression and have had it for a few years. Only because of how it would impact my Mum that I did not hurt myself. My friend says I have problems and she’s probably right but without her telling me what I have done wrong I don’t know what to do. Self improvement is something I am prepared to do. I read on this site about bipolar but I can’t tell if the bipolar is the problem or if I am. I need help please, I am hurting so bad.

[BetweenThePoles]

Hello therising. Thank you for writing. I appreciate all the effort you’ve gone to in order to help me, it has made a difference for me. Yes, text chat is a challenge and it’s the only place we’ve had disagreements, it’s the only place where she’s accused me of being a liar, manipulative, someone with an agenda. We’ve spent hundreds of hours on FaceTime, because this is a long distance friendship. She lives on the other side of the country. Because I am hearing impaired, my body has adapted to relying on body language to try and better understand what people are communicating to me. For some reason, we stopped having FaceTime a couple of months ago. She stopped asking for it and when I asked, she would ask me if it was important or urgent. We tried a couple of weeks ago but it didn’t work because she was in hospital and the WiFi there was too poor. We still kept having super long text chat though, sometimes for more than a whole day and night.

She’s difficult to read on text chat sometimes, which is why it’s the only place we;ve had disagreements. With respect to her dog, she said it was stressing her so much that her sanity was hanging by a thread. It’s difficult because as I said, she often uses extreme metaphors to describe how she’s feeling. The last time we spoke, which was text, I tried to explain that I simply=y took her advice and that there was no dishonesty, but she disregarded that, tried to come up with other examples of where I was bullsh*thing and told me not to push it or our friendship is over. She claims to be an empathetic person and sometimes she is, but this time she’s way off the mark and believes I am what I’m not. I don’t know what to do but wait. I want to write to her but I can’t write anymore. I have MS and can’t use a pen anymore. I find typed text to be so impersonal. We both have MS, that’s how we know each other. Hers affects her brain while mine affects my body mostly. I don’t know what to say or do, or when. People have advised me to back off, which I have. I miss her. Our friendship means so much to me and I don’t know what to do to rescue it. I’d be so lost out her. :(. I thought about sending her flowers but I’m almost sure she’d take it the wrong way...

[therising]

HI BetweenThePoles

If the flowers are an instinctive call, go for it. If they make no difference to her, they should make a difference to you. You'll easily be able to relate this act to 'I am someone who cares to send beautiful things to people'. This is who you are and her not sensing that does not change who you are.

Relationships will often test us. They will either test our commitment to evolve through them together or they'll test us to see whether we need to let the other person/people go. Relationships can lead us to question what it is we are prepared to tolerate from another person. It's certainly hard to know exactly how we're being tested at times.

In my opinion, if Face Time works best for you under the circumstances, it should be your primary resource for such communication. She should be able to understand this. If she can't, helping her understand becomes one of the challenges to rise to in the relationship. If she rejects this without seriously good reason, she would be failing to be thoughtful and that, understandably, is questionable. We all deserve access to the best communication in any relationship.

You wouldn't believe it but just yesterday I was talking to my husband about a fellow named George Jelinek. He's an amazing guy in the field of medicine who has done extensive investigation into managing MS. What actually prompted him to specifically research MS involves the fact that he was once diagnosed with it himself. With his mother having suffered for some years with it, he was determined not to let it get the better of him. It took him years of research and using himself as a human guinea pig for natural ways to overcome MS before he reached the point of no longer showing any of the symptoms he started with. He's had success since then in helping people either achieve freedom from the symptoms or has, at the very least, helped them halt the progress. Felt compelled to mention George Jelinek to you.

I believe sometimes we can be doing all we can to rescue a relationship when, in fact, it can be the other person who needs to be putting more effort in. If you can say 'I make every effort, to make a difference', this can tell you how hard you're trying. If you can feel proud of your monumental effort you can easily say 'I am someone who cares deeply. I am some who feels inspired to make a difference. I am someone who works hard on my relationships and faces the challenges they offer'. Our 'I am' is a powerful thing.

🙂

[BetweenThePoles]

Hello therising, thank you again for your extensive reply.

Yes, the flowers are an instinct call. We’ve not said a word to each other for two weeks. She told me to back off else our friendship was over, when I tried to explain that I had not lied and simply took her advice. I was on a vegetarian diet, involving smoothies made from kale, cucumber, capsicum, celery, avocado, pear, banana, peanut meal and almond meal. Its really tasty! I carefully researched these ingredients to ensure I was getting the daily recommended amount of vitamins and minerals, with an emphasis on protein. She “called me out” saying I wasn’t getting enough iron, so I mentioned I was taking iron, B and D tablets daily. She suggested pork sausages, to which I replied that I had some buried in the freezer and would take her advice. The following day I was accused of being a liar and was told to back off when I tried to explain. I’ve been losing around 1kg a week on this diet, she argued it’d have the reverse effect, which is true if you don’t eat enough.

She was plain wrong, especially since I take iron tablets, important for those with MS. Unfortunately she’s one of those people who never admits to being wrong or at fault, it’s always someone or something else. That’s one of the main challenges. She accuses me of lying and yet I’ve seen her lie several times, most recently about not having double vision. She’ll say this in public MS groups, that she hasn’t had it since she was first diagnosed, but in private to me she complains about it often.

Thankyou for mentioning George Jalinek, I will certainly be doing a lot of reading about that fellow.

In this case, it does appear that it’s the other person that needs to make the effort. People have said things like “they’re just words” and “it’s not the person speaking, it’s the condition speaking”. That, combined with her inability to admit fault, it makes it very challenging. The few times she has apologised, she didn’t need to. I am going to send her flowers and see what happens. 🙂

[BetweenThePoles]

Hello therising.

I am writing to thank you for your guidance, assistance and advice during the very difficult and distressing time I was going through. In retrospect, I see now that this is a pattern for me, not unlike reactions to other events in my past. I consider that to be the first “take away” for me, a bit of personal growth, if you will.

By stepping right back as people suggested, my friend recognised my absence after some time and signalled that, in her own very subtle way. For some reason, I feel compelled to revisit what happened, and talk it through, but there’s nothing to say that we must do that, is there?

At some point in my life I developed a sort of broken thought mechanism whereby if I have any sort of conflict with someone, it means that things are ruined beyond repair and that my relations with that person can never be the same. After much introspection, I still can’t find where this originated from.

Obviously there are times in life when this does happen, but I have to learn that this won’t always happen. When it doesn’t happen, it’s obviously a strong indication that this person is a true friend and should not be taken for granted...something I think we all do, consciously or otherwise. If it does happen, it’s probably a good thing and sleeping dogs should be left to lie. That is takeaway number two.

I felt the urge to send flowers straight away, but didn’t, reminded to step right back. This advice was coming from the best of sources and so I forced myself to adhere to it, rather than exerting that force on the situation. As time passed, we slowly started communicating again and interacting on social media.

i sent the flowers yesterday and waited anxiously for how she would react, questioning whether or not it was the right time, whether I had said the right thing on the card. She loved them. She was very surprised and very, very grateful.

Sometimes the best course of action is inaction, take away number three and pattern recognition number two. Trying to force things to happen can in itself prevent them from ever happening. They shouldn’t be rushed, either. Desiring immediate results can also prevent them from ever happening,. We’re not all tied to the same clock.

She thought I had an agenda. I realised that I had been thinking the same of her, because I am not accustomed to people treating me the way I treat them. I am a kind person that became used to being walked all over by others. I am is powerful.

[BetweenThePoles]

I told my psychiatrist about my thoughts of self harm and the problems I was having with my friend. Sadly, he basically said that I didn’t need someone like that in my life and to “get rid of her”.

Up until that point I liked him and we had a sort of familiarity. I feel disappointed with his reaction. I observed his body language when I mentioned bipolar, something I’m very good at doing because of my hearing impairment.

He didn’t exactly roll his eyes and what I saw is difficult to describe to other people, but very discrete facial movements speak loudly and most people aren’t even aware that they’re doing them. I hate to sound like a humblebrag, but a person would need a well-practiced poker face to completely hide their thoughts or emotions from me in a conversation.

That’s why I struggle with text sometimes. There’s no volume, no body language, and words can be read in several different ways if not used with care or not punctuated properly.

TheRising, you are very good at using text to communicate, one of the best examples I have ever seen, actually. I have sought out posts penned by you, because I see them as benchmark of how everyone should aspire to communicate online with text, especially in an environment like this, where people need to be treated gently because of how they are feeling. People don’t come here for fun.

Like body language, it’s difficult for me to describe it, but if it were to be compared to volume and body language itself, I would use words like quiet, calm, encouraging, comfortable and trustworthy.

Words are powerful, which is why people write books and read them for entertainment. They carry emotions, though, and unfortunately we now live in an age where nearly everyone is typing them, every day.

Depending on who we’re typing to and what we’re typing about, we should exercise the right level of emotional awareness and care, because they can hurt just as much as words spoken. We should do our best to communicate to people online as we would if they were standing right in front of us.

Unfortunately for me, I come from a time long before smartphones and Google, the days of dial-up modems, IRC and e-mails that were written as though you were using pen and paper, starting with “Dear ,”. People who used online chat were conscious of the weight their words carried. They had to be, because everything was just text.

Holding people to that standard today is unrealistic.

[BetweenThePoles]

I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to post here again, and that everything was alright.

Up until now, things have been good. Sadly, my friend lost her cool again today, taking something which was being discussed about me, and a problem I have, and applying it herself. She then accused me of “making light of” the many years of mental illness she has suffered from. Reverse projection?

When we tried talking about it on FaceTime, she made some remark about e-Harmony. Our friendship has always been platonic, so I don’t know what prompted that. I used to be interested in her, but that horse bolted a long time ago, so if she thinks I’m still chasing her she’s living in the past sadly. She’s attractive, but I don’t have the mental stamina to commit to someone who is unpredictable. She’s made some progress, she’s taking mood stabilisers now. I’ve seen changes in her — she’s softer, when things are good. I don’t want to be subjected to a monthly dose of illogical abuse but she’s my friend and I love her.

She’s still hell-bent on looking for lies and perceived slights. Two things she’s never done is a) admit when she’s wrong and b) apologise for anything other than things which don’t warrant apology. Bipolar people are always right, apparently.

Her father is bipolar, too. She treats me the way her father treats her, unfortunately.

I’m getting used to this now, I’m not as nearly as upset as I was the first time I came here. I’m sad, for sure. I haven’t unearthed the lies she’s told me, it would only cause conflict. I’m not sure I can handle it right now. If she’s going to keep accusing me of lying, she should know that she can’t expect from others which she herself cannot give.

Thr saddest part is that she received her Christmas gift from me today and said she loved it. It’s unfortunate that a happy day had to end like this.

[therising]

HI BetweenThePoles

My apologies for having missed your earlier post from October. You are so beautiful and kind with your words. I'm very much a words person. They can be so impacting, so I believe they require great care at times. While they can easily bring people down, they have power to raise people too.

You're so right about the way we've transitioned in our communication over time. Dial up, my goodness, this would have even tested the patience of saint, hey. It's a shame letter writing seems to have become an almost lost art. To have someone's personality come through their own unique handwriting style and know that hand has rested on the paper you're reading from adds something special. While technology gives us great things, it can also take away great things.

Yes, body language a fascinating thing to observe. For example, you can ask someone for their commitment to something and they might say 'Yes, sure' but say it as they shrug their shoulders ever so slightly. Saying 'So, you're not sure if you can commit' is typically met with 'What makes you say that?' Seeing you're expert at reading people, I bet you've left some wondering whether you have the ability to read minds 🙂

A psyche can hear a friendship story a thousand times and be left thinking 'I've heard this a thousand times' and roll their eyes. Problem with this way of thinking is, bamm, their mind closes with this thought. Truth is...they haven't heard it from you. This is an opportunity to be open minded and learn something from your story. Psyches have the opportunity to learn much from their 'students' (clients).

I'm wondering whether what you're witnessing in your friend is a lot of her father's traits, such as her issue in taking responsibility for her emotions and ways of thinking. Amazing what we can learn from our parents, without even realising. If her dad is/was someone who perceived other people as being at fault even though there were faults in his way of thinking, this could condition or influence his child's perspective. For me, wonder is an across the board thing; I don't just wonder about why other people think and behave the way they do, I also wonder about myself. I spend half my life these days wondering why I think and behave the way I do. I gotta be conscious if I want to evolve beyond who I was conditioned to be.

It's good to know what we can't tolerate. A complex relationship which tests us constantly is an exhausting one, especially if we're not up for it.

🙂

[BetweenThePoles]

Hello TheRising,

No need to apologise, I am sure you are quite busy on here.

My friend does take responsibility for her emotions and ways of thinking to the best her of her ability, She’s someone who is open to self-growth but when she experiences rage brought on by her having bipolar, I imagine those emotions are difficult to control. She’s been stressed lately and I expect the need for emotional release is there and will be there at times in the future. Her father uses her as a deflection tool and that’s where the responsibility needs to be taken.

Taking mood stabilisers doesn’t make everything better as TonyWK pointed out. I try my hardest not to cause my friend any stress. In fact, although my options are highly limited, I try to make things a little less stressful for her. I succeed occasionally.

With respect to her rage, being friends with her means accepting and dealing with it. Discussion about bipolar right through this forum says basically the same thing. The only other option is to walk away. I would rather be her emotional punching bag than have her take it out on someone in the home environment. It’s a new thing for me, but I’ll get used to it. I’m not going to turn my back on her.

[therising]

Hi BetweenThePoles

You truly are such an incredible friend. You're incredibly special. A true friend is one that supports us through the process of raising our awareness.

As I may have mentioned, I find the most effective way to manage the challenges of emotion (especially other people's emotion) involves 'wonder'. It's so easy to get caught up in emotion at times and be drained by it, exhausted by it. It's not easy at times to suddenly shift from anger or resentment to wonder when a friend is having an emotional melt down at us or within themself. I wonder what has triggered them. I wonder why my words have hit a nerve or caused such pain. I wonder whether this challenge they're facing is beginning to get the better of them. I wonder if I could make a difference by simply and carefully listening to what they have to say. I could go on with this wonder list but it can get pretty long.

When it comes to maintaining our own mental health, wondering whether we need an occasional break is definitely something worth wondering about at times. How would such a break appear? How to tell a friend we're taking a time out? 'I'm taking a bit of time out, in order to go into myself and reflect a little', is one of my ways of managing a break. In other words 'It's not you, it's me' (reason for the break). Adding 'But if there's anything you need from me, if things get too much, I am here for you'.

Do you ever ask your friend if she wonders or what she wonders about? Eg: 'Do you wonder why this issue is so triggering for you?' or 'Do you ever wonder why this issue keeps circling back around?' could be a couple of questions you may already be asking. While chemistry can play a major role in certain mental health conditions, natural factors also interact with chemistry and emotion. It would not surprise me at all if your friend does wonder a fair bit, seeing she's invested in raising her consciousness, evolving through her challenges. For myself, while I can say that the chemistry lacking during my 15 or so years in depression prevented me from feeling certain emotions, what was naturally lacking were the influences that would lead me out of my depression. Those who could raise me to higher consciousness weren't there. Finally, I discovered these influences. This is why I'm a body/mind/spirit kinda gal. Biological/chemical influences, mental/thought based influences and natural influences can all play a part, together, in any challenge we face.

You're a beautiful person 🙂

[BetweenThePoles]

Hello TheRising,

Thanks for your helpful reply and for your kind words.

Regarding taking a break, there was a period over the New Year where we kept in touch but didn’t spend a lot of time chatting.

Later, mid January, I unplugged from social media for a bit to do some things around the house. It was poorly timed, as it occupied me for the better part of a week or so.

My friend tried to contact me via video chat, because she had health concerns and was quite distressed. Rightfully, too. She typed “I am going to kill myself!” and when she didn’ get a reply, she said to answer my device and called me a psychopath.

I dislike that I couldn’t be there because she reached out was clearly upset. I feel like I let her down. We made contact once I reconnected to social media and she spoke to me about her health problem and by this time the problem had gone away.

We very recently had an argument on Messenger. I left the chat, as her reasoning was impaired and trying to discuss the matter was futile.

In summary, she received a meme from a friend and decided that I wasn’t happy that she found it funny and that I was even jealous. She kept asked. She then went through a long list of other things that were fuelling her anger and I systematically addressed each one until she reached the point where she had to think of other, new things to keep the fire burning. I made a point of letting her know she was doing this and left the chat, declining to continue.

I should have known from past experience that doing this only infuriates her further and at this point she assumed conflagration, by way of a further mood swing accompanied by hypomania Very long and angry messages ensued. She has blocked me on all social media.

I was saddened to see that her ability to rationalise and reason were badly impaired and I feel terrible, because I caused that — I fed the fire, instead of stopping and giving her a chance to cool off. I just simply wasn’t prepared to be verbally attacked and drawn into the flames again.

In December, I purchased an excellent audiobook by Julie A. Fast called Loving Someone With BiPolar Disorder. The behaviour mentioned here in this thread is described widely in this book. I told my friend about the the book and even though I assisted her initially with researching bipolar and medication., getting her to take it up with Dr.. etc, she was horrified and appalled. She called me repulsive.

I don’t think we’re friends anymore.