How to forgive yourself

[Anzacspirit]

How do you forgive yourself when the voice in your head constantly brings up the things you’ve done. If I can’t beat this it will consume me and that will be it. The only advice my psych has given me is that I’m not a bad person, I just made a mistake, a bad one at that but I need to forgive myself and move on. It sounds so easy , everything I’ve done just replays. I hate what I did, it’s not me. Others have forgiven me but I just can’t let go. I don’t know how to let go. I want to be free of this darkness that is shadowing me.

[Anzacspirit]

Thanks again for responding Sarah, you’re right I think talking to a real friend would help unfortunately I have no one in my life I could do that with. I have no close friends, and to be honest I’d probably cause more damage with what I’ve done by speaking out . I’d love a best friend to talk to, 43 years old and I have nothing outside of my family. My own fault for not keeping in touch with people and self sabotaging anything good in my life.

[smallwolf]

Hi. On reading your last post something which might be worth considering... well it worked out for. ...

I was applying for a new job and was looking for a referee. I reached out to someone who I had not spoken to for some time - too many years in fact. I reached out this person over Facebook. We chatted for a bit - this person said he would be and our friendship was renewed.

My mother (mid 70s) went to funeral of someone she knew recently. There was another there who she recognised - a friend from her youth whom she fell out of touch. They chatted about things.

You said that you have no close friends. Am I correct there are people you could talk to? What abotu your family?

Forgiveness can be a tricky thing. There is a book about forgiveness I have read and talks about stages of forgiveness. Sometimes it is not as easy to say "I forgive you/myself" for a variety of reasons. It may take multiple retelling of the story to the get to that point where you can make peace with yourself or the other person.

And while you feel there is nobody that you can talk to, you have taken the step of talking with a psych which is also a positive step. Based on what you said in your posts you told your psych what you have done. You have also received forgiveness from others - that is also a very big step. While the thing cannot be undone, you will over time find ways of to deal with the thoughts and feelings you have now.

I hope you will come back and share more of your story.

Peace to you,

Tim

[Anzacspirit]

I’ve been really struggling the last couple of weeks. My self esteem is so low, all I think of is the bad things I’ve done, I just can’t escape it. It was my birthday yesterday my kids wrote beautiful things but all my head said was it’s all lies, I’m not the person they see. Ii really hate the things I’ve done it’s eating away at me constantly. All I want to do is sleep and not wake up because when I’m not awake I’m not torturing my self with thoughts

[Emmen]

Dear Anzacspirit,

It's terrible that what ought to have been a beautiful occasion has been marred by the obsessive thoughts you have been having. Forgiving yourself is a tough journey. You will have moments where you feel unworthy, and (I hope), moments where you feel like you are worthy of forgiveness.

It may be difficult for you to believe, but the way people see you is in fact part of who you are, just as much as your mistakes and your guilt are. Your children see you as the parent they love, the person who has showered them with love and care. They're not lying, Anzacspirit. You are that person. Embrace this wonderful side of you instead of letting that other side, the side filled with guilt, take over.

Try this next time. Whenever you start thinking of the bad things you've done, tell yourself to think of a good thing you've done as well, and how you felt when you did the good thing. It doesn't have to be something huge, just something that was good or kind or loving.

Every mistake we make is a learning experience. And we're allowed to make mistakes. Sometimes these mistakes have consequences, but we do ourselves no good to dwell on these mistakes. Focus on being the parent your children see you to be, rather that to focus on being that person who made a mistake. We cannot change the past, but our decisions and actions now decide our futures and the futures of people who love us.

Take care,

M

[Anzacspirit]

Still hate myself for what I did, still haven’t forgiven myself. Still go to sleep wishing I could turn back time. I still pretend I’m ok.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Anzacspirit

It is so wonderful to chat to you again and that you have reached out to the forum.

Self forgiveness is hard and especially hard when you "know" but you cannot "believe". I hear you when you say that you "should just move on", that "other's have forgiven me so why can't I?"..but the brain is a powerful thing as we know.

Pretending is only going to "work" for so long as I think you are coming to see. It is possible to put on a brave face with anything really and more so with mental health. Faking that we are happy, smiling when we feel like crying and saying "I am fine" when in fact we are not. In time the cracks start to get deeper and there really is no place to hide and "fake" that everything is fine. I am hoping that you feel like you could reach out to someone, or even to a support line to chat, to talk about how you are feeling and to hear back that you are not the mistake you made. You are a person who made a mistake, we all do and it is not who we are and not what we are made of.

How would you feel about checking in with someone to help you to work through this feeling of not being able to forgive yourself? You do not deserve to be punished everyday from a mistake, this does not get to take away the joy that you can have in your life and it does not get to make you feel so very bad.

I hope to chat to you some more.

Huge hugs

Sarah

[tranzcrybe]

I see you have been tormenting yourself for over a year now and still have thoughts to contend with, so I'd like to offer my point of view if it can provide something to contemplate...

Consider the mistake you made as being committed by some other person? How would you feel toward them at the time, and at what point would you acknowledge the harm and offer compassion for their own mental anguish upon expressing remorse? Who among us are immune from making irrational decisions at times where the consequences received little consideration or were unavoidable?

Mistakes are a human condition and so is our capacity to show forgiveness - as such, one demands the other and what you would do for another who is suffering equally must extend to your own condition by necessity. Humility and Grace are empowering and you deserve the latter through demonstrating the former. What's done is done and time moves on regardless. Can you live in the past constantly replaying regrettable scenes? And what purpose would it serve other than self abuse? Perhaps there are more productive actions which could help make reparation?

[Anzacspirit]

I hate myself for what I did, I look back at my life and I’ve been a pretty crappy human through so many stages of my life. I’d love to have a friend to talk to but I just talk to myself in my head. I don’t want to burden the person I hurt the most. Wish I could turn back time and talk some sense to myself.

[quirkywords]

Anzacspirit

I have given myself a hard time about some thing I did over 40 years ago.

I still feel bad but each day I try to feel less guilty.

[Jstar49]

Hi Anzacspirit,

Wow your name is really powerful, do you identify with the spirit of the anzacs? That, never give up, never let your mates down attitude?

Regret and lack of self forgiveness is a huge issue. I was interetsed in your thread when I read the title. Forgiveness, I have learnt, is something you have to do again, and again, and again. It's a pain in the butt! Self forgiveness is even worse.

Can I ask, was this thing which happened, recently? Or a long time ago. Becos I have found that over time, I have found forgiveness to be better, more lasting. I hope this is true for you too.

You deserve forgiveness. Be your own best friend. You wouldn't hold this thing against her would you? You might need to talk it over, work it through for a time. Or take time apart before you could spend time together like you used to. But would you eventually forgive? Would you like to forgive her/him if it was them that had done this terrible thing?

You cannot control how someone else feels or reacts, only how you do

Cheers,

J*