Hi alexis
I feel for you so deeply as life has become intolerable on so many levels. I've found to tolerate what is basically intolerable can be hard but to tolerate what is completely intolerable is something altogether different. It takes you to a whole other place, a whole other mindset.
Hope it makes sense what I say
- to tolerate basically being loved is something I can do. If I need to be loved in extraordinary ways during depressing periods, not being actively loved in outstanding ways that are life changing and mind altering is something I just can't tolerate well. I remain depressed based on a lack of the kind of love I can best relate to (from friends and family)
- tolerating a basic lack of energy is not such a big deal but an overwhelming lack of energy is something that can come to be deeply depressing for me. It's my energy that gives me a sense of connection to life. I can't tolerate not feeling it
- tolerating a number of strategies that could possibly lead me out of depression was one thing but tolerating a huge ongoing number of strategies that never worked during the 15 or so years I experienced long term depression was unbearable. It continued to be deeply depressing, pretty much nothing working, until I hit the end of those particular years
The list goes on when it comes to the impact of no longer being able to tolerate anything less than what we truly need.
To tolerate the length of your depression is something that makes you truly outstanding. It defines you as a hard worker, a seeker (of what works), a warrior who finds the ways to fight another day and it makes you so much more. Through the exhaustion you are here, still working, still seeking and still fighting. You remain outstanding.
