Overseas soon and I need help

[rosemotion]

I have a trip overseas in 3 weeks with some family friends, but no immediate family. 

The country I am travelling to is the only thing to complete on my very short bucket list. 

I was hoping for April last year of when to pass, but this did not occur. 

Reaching 18 was never something I had planned for, and now going to the one place I have always wanted to go seems like the opportunity for it. 

I can’t stand the thought of the phone call they will get. 

I still remember their faces when we lost my brother. 

I can’t help to both want this but fear it so much. 

I don’t want to but I want to so much. 

I can’t do this to my family again but when the time comes, and I am standing in the forest I have always wanted to, what will my mind decide?

I am terrified and I feel so, so guilty. 

I love my family so much that it stops me, but I fear being alone with this opportunity. I don’t want to do this I promise, I need some help. 

I don’t want to tell anyone because this will set my family back far too much if they know. 

I think I will call my doctor in the morning

[Croix]

Dear Rosemotion~
Welcome back, it's been a while.

Well, you made it to 18 and I guess this was a surprise because you may have felt you could have ended your life before then - if I'm on the wrong track I apologize.

You have mentioned in the past both an eating disorder and depression. I know with my suicidal thoughts, anxiety and depression they were not things I could handle by myself and I was fortunate in getting competent help. Actually the help was both medical and family.

Would you like to say how you got on -did you have anyone to assist you? Also if the depression and eating disorder still trouble you?

Nobody has a crystal ball to see the future. It's quite possible you will live a long life and the urgency about your bucket list will be less.

I was frighted of what I might do, and the best thing for me that I was under treatment and people knew. That's why when starting to get overwhelmed I could sing out, contact a doctor, contact a family member or friend. It certainly helped and I'm here today as a result.

In the same way you have felt not to be understood, you may not be able to understand the depth of your family’s grief.

Could I suggest you arrange so you do have support you can easily reach out to during bad times. (Incidentally a strange country can give a sense of loneliness and isolation just by being there.)

Now I realise this is not an easy thing to do, it means telling people of you thoughts, and that is hard, frightening, even embarrassing. However I would have suggested it anyway, even if there was no trip coming up. I've been down that path.

It might surprise you to know the there is comfort in not being alone, having others to lean on, and it lifts some of the weight that you live under.

I'm talking about the risk you will end up alone and have nothing to help you, and that's probably the thing that needs to be sorted out, trip or no trip.

So what do you think?

Croix

[rosemotion]

Hi Croix, thank you for the reply it means a lot 🙂

You are correct in saying I did not think I would make it to 18, so this whole year has been quite overwhelming with that thought constantly on my mind. 

I am unhappy to say though that I never did reach out for help with my eating disorder and depression, and am still going through both to this day. 

I saw a therapist for a very brief time, only 3 sessions, as my one of my brothers actually passed away 2 years ago now, however I really did not enjoy them. 

I don’t know who I could talk about any of these thoughts to, as professionals make me uncomfortable and I don’t want my family to know as they have enough on their plate. 

I will most likely be safe when overseas as I will be with 4 other people, but being without family it’s easy to consider the possibilities of what I could do. 

I think for now I will not let anyone know, and just see how the days take me. 

If I must, I know the helplines are available. 

Thank you for your advice 🙂

[rosemotion]

I want to start off by saying I don’t want to seek help, which immediately makes this a difficult thing to pursue. 

I know I need to seek help as I am clearly not getting better, but I feel as if my options are very limited. 

I’ve gone through quite a lot of traumatic events in the past 2-3 years, and my own personal struggles before that. 

I lost one of my brothers to cancer during covid, and saw a therapist for a very short amount of time during this, and I hated every minute of it. 

It sounds so selfish of me to say, but they insinuated that all my depression and less than ideal thoughts regarding my future were all caused by his death. 

And while of course I am traumatised by it, I have been so mentally unwell for years and it seems to have all been dismissed. 

I am afraid that it will happen again if I seek professional help, especially now that my dad is fighting cancer too. 

I feel so horrible thinking like this, because of course I want help and support because of these events, but I don’t want my entire past being thrown aside. 

I can’t go to anybody I know because I refuse to let them have another thing to worry about. 

But I do not want to see a professional as not only do they make me uncomfortable, but if I tell them the truth about my thoughts, I am terrified that I will be admitted. 

Being admitted would destroy the little happiness my family has left. 

I can’t think of any other options to find help within. 

Any suggestions will be highly appreciated, thank you 🙂 

[geoff]

Hello rosemotion, it's not really appropriate for a therapist to insinuate anything to you but ask questions that lead to how you are feeling, because if they suggest something that you don't agree with, then they may easily lose your confidence.

The thought and worry of being admitted is when you are feeling unsafe for yourself and won't necessarily happen otherwise.

If you decide to see someone else can I suggest you write down the points tht are concerning for you and if you can do this in point form, then the counsellor can gain these concerns rather than writing them down in an essay where the main points may be lost.

There is much that is a worry for you and all of these can contribute to how you are feeling and not one specific issue that preempts the cause.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Croix]

Dear rosemotion

I'll answer you in a while, I'll not forget

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Rosemotion~

I'm answering your other post as promised

I'm sorry about your dad, though as a dad myself who has been very ill I'd not write him off as a source of help because of his worries, sometimes assisting a person you love gives a sense of being useful when everything else is falling apart

I have to say I love your phrase " less than ideal thoughts regarding my future", however you are going to have to be a lot blunter:)

Actually I'm glad you are at least thinking about help

When I've been suicidal I've thought very much along the same lines as you. The mind makes itself up that one should not disturb the family - as if you death would not devastate them

I've worried the past might be ignored, and something more recent concentrated on. My way round was I took several days to write down what had been happening to me, emphasizing the lenght of time, suicidal thoughts and depression. plus in your case the eating disorder

I got it all down clearly without missing anything. Although visiting a doctor was very daunting, it tuned out in extended consultations the doctors just asked me to amplify some of what I'd written. Worked well, did not get confused - or have the chance to 'forget to mention' some of the more embarrassing or frightening things

Now the fear of being put on a psych ward without my permission was a biggie for me too. However you are in charge, and it is you who are seeking help off your  own bat. If you look at the length of time you have had suicidal thoughts - and are still here with us - then the doctor may well see that you should keep on going

Please remind me to tell you about BeyondNow

I ended up voluntarily going to a psych ward but I could have stayed at home if I'd wanted to

I hope all this helps

Croix