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[Waxer]

Hi, I've been married for 36 years, I absolutely worship my wife. 3 years ago we allowed a other man I to our lives. We had a relationship that I found it exciting to watch my wife pleasured etc. Well at first it was all fun. After a while I noticed my wife changing. She started getting frustrated and shirt with me. I was too stupid to realise she had fallen in love with this other man. One day we were driving up north and she told me a big list of things I did wrong. I still didnt get it. Once we arrived we had an argument and she told me she wssnt in love with me any more but was in love with this other man. I begged her to stay with me and she did. She told me she would try in our marriage but refused to give him up. In short over the next few years she told me another 4 times she was in love with him. She also told me a number of times she would choose him over me if I made her choose. These days she tells me she loves me and isbt in love with him and it's just friendship. She cant understand why I cant just forgive and move on. Ive got depression and something like ptsd. I cant live without her, but I can see shes getting to the point of bot wanting me to stay because she cant deal with my meltdowns when I get bouts of depression. I dont know what to do. I seriously wish I would just have a heart attack and die, trouble is I believe in afterlife and csnt bear the thought of going thru eternity without her love. She tells me she loves me yet Katy night said if I have one more meltdown that will be it. I'm seriously thinking of committing suicide but if i fail she will lose all her li e for me and I'll be alive without her love, if i succeed i gotta go through eternity without her. I love her so much, I'm totally in love with her , every time I hear her voice or see her I melt. I dont know what to do

[Waxer]

Hi all,Just thought I would give u an update. Since my last post, things have dramatically improved, I went to hospital 1 night, she didnt even call me until morning but I think the experience shook my wife up a bit into really thinking about losing me when she found out I had a life threatening bowel obstruction, followed by evidence of spots on my liver, kidney and a damaged part of my bowel. Not long after that, we went away on long service leave for 11 weeks. For a while before we went, my wife had developed a very chronic bad back. I have for quite a long time now gone over the top trying to be the perfect husband as the husband I was, obviously wasn't good enough for her. In any case, a while ago, I said to myself, I will be the best husband physically and emotionally that I am capable of, and if that is still not enough, I will have to accept there is no chance. Anyway, I am physically good- fit and put on some muscle and lost about 5 or 6kg in fat. I treat her like a queen. I believe I have had the patience of a saint with her- she has always been fiery, but when she is in pain, even more so- very snappy and tends to take life out on me. But I maintained patience and looked after her every need, massage her back, pretty much wait on her. I think she has eventually realised what she has and has become very very loving , affectionate (not so much sexually, but she says that is hormones and pain) not as snappy- or at least settles much faster as I rarely react to her outbursts. I also think a huge factor in us getting along, is that I haven't had 3 other people (her sisters and her boyfriend) undermining me for over 3 months. I think she realises a bit of what her sisters have been doing and she is not calling her BF 5 or 6 times a day and seems to be much more content with me. I will never trust her sisters or her BF and I feel I must maintain my guard. I really need to work on my mental health though. I believe I may have ptsd. I jump and get startled at the tiniest unexpected sound- especially if its her voice that I am not expecting. Yet I am unafraid to walk through water at night with possible crocodiles present on my holiday. I constantly replay the most hurtful episodes of the whole mess. I get irritable easily, I get bad anxiety . I still believe I am not the most important person in her life. I find myself atm worried about our upcoming anniversary, last year she didn't even write in a card or even sign it.