Look who's inside again, BPD & Depression

[Dizzzy_Dreamer]

I'm inside my own head and it's awful. How can it be so quiet but so loud at the same time.

I'm running on autopilot just trying to keep everything going. I don't even want to exist but everyone always wants something from me and I have to struggle to keep my head above water.

I just hate being me. I hate everything about myself. It's getting harder and harder to go on. My mind and my body are always working against me. I want to stop looking and feeling like this huge gelatinous blob.

Just turned 23. Wasn't planning on getting this far.

A parent of two and I think they would be better without me. All I have in me goes to them, to keep them cared for. I love them but when I wonder what's keeping me here they're not the reason. I'm just a coward.

Boyfriend loves me, but I can't help but want to just be alone. All my relationships are ruined somehow in the end.

Made the mistake of trying to study again, the last time was a failure. Mental Health of all things. My own mental health is a mess so how am i supposed to help others?

Trying to get my license, I'll probably end up driving my car off a bridge.

Every time i try to do little things to improve my quality of life and make it easier, it just ends up a wreck. Nothing sticks.

Taking a leap writing this thing on here. I don't know what else to do. I feel really alone even in a house full of people. Little comforts me. Counseling and therapy never helps even though that's what they all tell you do in this situation so what else am I supposed to do?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Dizzzy Dreamer,
 
We want to welcome you to the forum and thank you for taking a new step to reach out for support when you feel like nothing has worked so far. You have done tremendously well by persisting and trying again. We are sorry to hear that if feels like nothing has worked in the past and you are feeling very alone at the moment.

We will be reaching out to you privately via email to see what additional support we can offer you in this difficult time.
 
We would encourage you when you that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). While sometimes it may seem like nothing helps, opening up, even a small amount, can help tremendously during dark times.
 
We hope you find support and the answers you are looking for here. Please keep coming back to share how you feel, you are not alone within this community.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Dizzy Dreamer

Welcome to the forum and I want to firstly say that I am sorry it has taken some time for a reply to come your way. It is not easy to reach out and say how bad things are for you let alone join a forum to share how you are feeling.

I am wondering how you are feeling today?

I hear what you are saying with the noise in your head, so very quiet and so very deafening at the same time, quite frightening really! Then also when you are trying to support others and to take care of two children and maintain a relationship with your boyfriend, it is alot and especially when you are not feeling well.

Can I also say that your children will not be better off with out you and nor will your boyfriend, while it feels like this your truth can I say whole heartedly that it is not a truth. I don't want to come off as offensive in saying that there are better days ahead and things to get better, they do but in order for that to happen one must get a team together and that could include a GP, a counsellor, a family member or friend and most importantly it must include you. I am wondering how you would feel about making an appointment with your GP to get some off this off your chest and to see if there are some things that they could help you with? It is not easy to talk about and if you feel like you can't there is always writing down how you feel, just as you have here, you could even show them your post here as you express very well how you are feeling.

Study is a great distraction but sometimes we are already too full to take on new tasks and especially ones that could potentially trigger or inflate the way we are already feeling or thinking. It is maybe time to take on less things and choose some time for you to do the things that make you feel good about you, and that may be even just one thing a day like a walk on your own or a swim in the beach or something that you can make all about you. It is more than ok to take time for you, infact it is crucial.

I hear you in that you feel like nothing sticks but keeping on trying until you do find that one thing that does, and no matter how small it may seem it may make a huge difference.

There are some wonderful people too at Lifeline and I hope that if you are feeling so very bad you will call them and chat and let them support you through this, you are so very much worth it.

I would like to chat some more to you too, if you would like to.

Hugs
Sarah xxxx

[therising]

Hi Dizzzy Dreamer

I wish I was there sitting beside you, encouraging you to vent freely. The freedom to vent, the freedom of self expression, is (I believe) one of the greatest gifts.

Was saying to my 18yo daughter and 16yo son just yesterday how I'm grateful for the ability for all 3 of us to sit together and freely speak about how our mental health is being challenged within another extended lock down in Melbourne. When you speak out loud in this way, it's like puzzle pieces come out, leading to brainstorming, in order to make sense of the overall picture. Keeping everything to yourself in a challenge, the pieces can remain jumbled in your head, leading you to want to scream uncontrollably at times.

I can understand where you're coming from, in the way of feeling like your kids aren't a strong enough motive to stay, to some degree. During my years in depression, I felt the same way. One of the things I hated most about depression was how it led me to define myself. In the false reality it presents, I was (in my mind) an unloving mum, an angry person, a sad person, a bit of a control freak, an unmotivated person and so on. It's a long depressing list, how we can come to identify our self through depression. It's so cruel, the false reality and identity it presents us with. I think if people really knew what it was like, they'd say something like 'Oh my god, I can't believe you've tolerated this for so long. We gotta get you out of this, no matter what it takes. We'll do anything. This is urgent!'. Sometimes it can feel more like people just wait 'til you come out of depression and they try not to upset you too much in the meantime. Some will be doing their best but to some degree their best unfortunately doesn't make much of a difference. Believe me, a meaningful difference is something you can feel in depression, although it has to hold enormous mind altering meaning, far from simple.

I imagine you can relate to being so sensitive that you can feel your thoughts. If I mentioned this to a non feeler, they'd wonder what the heck I was talking about. A highly sensitive person will feel just about everything. It's like you can feel the speed of your thoughts working you up, the depressing nature of your thoughts bringing you down and you can feel the volume being turned up. You can feel the self questioning and the longing for answers. Nothing compares to feeling your way through depression, it can be thoroughly exhausting.

My heart goes out to you.