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[Waxer]

Hi, I've been married for 36 years, I absolutely worship my wife. 3 years ago we allowed a other man I to our lives. We had a relationship that I found it exciting to watch my wife pleasured etc. Well at first it was all fun. After a while I noticed my wife changing. She started getting frustrated and shirt with me. I was too stupid to realise she had fallen in love with this other man. One day we were driving up north and she told me a big list of things I did wrong. I still didnt get it. Once we arrived we had an argument and she told me she wssnt in love with me any more but was in love with this other man. I begged her to stay with me and she did. She told me she would try in our marriage but refused to give him up. In short over the next few years she told me another 4 times she was in love with him. She also told me a number of times she would choose him over me if I made her choose. These days she tells me she loves me and isbt in love with him and it's just friendship. She cant understand why I cant just forgive and move on. Ive got depression and something like ptsd. I cant live without her, but I can see shes getting to the point of bot wanting me to stay because she cant deal with my meltdowns when I get bouts of depression. I dont know what to do. I seriously wish I would just have a heart attack and die, trouble is I believe in afterlife and csnt bear the thought of going thru eternity without her love. She tells me she loves me yet Katy night said if I have one more meltdown that will be it. I'm seriously thinking of committing suicide but if i fail she will lose all her li e for me and I'll be alive without her love, if i succeed i gotta go through eternity without her. I love her so much, I'm totally in love with her , every time I hear her voice or see her I melt. I dont know what to do

[smallwolf]

I hope you do not mind the shortness of my post but I noticed you said your wife makes your heart melt and I wonder if you could tell me the ways or what she does that makes your heart melt.

From what I read in your post I see anger, someone who makes you grovel, etc.

It also sounds to me as though you are wanting to move on and unsure what future holds. Breaking up, separating and divorce are very stressful times for both parties. The decision of what you should do is really only something you can decide and perhaps you could get some professional advice, or chat with your parents/daughter/friends or their thoughts.

Lastly, two questions.... what is keeping you in the marriage? And what is your fear with separation?

These are not questions you have to answer in the forums. Again ... things to chat with others you know.

Peace to you,

Tim

[Waxer]

I am sooooo sad tonight- I think I really am realising that there is no hope for the love of my life to every come back properly to me- she still and always will prioritise her lover and her sisters. I need to be number one- it is killing me, I wish I would just die and be done with this heartache. It has been going on for 4 years, My heart can't take any more- I will always love her, I will always idolise her, but the price I am paying for doing the wrong thing and allowing sexual fun to destroy my happy marriage is just too high. I just can't do this any more. I pray to God to take me tonight- please God, take me and erase my memory of the last 4 years- please let me just remember when I felt special to my love, when I felt invincible with her, when I believed in my heart she was happy- when everyone else in my life thought so too. I just wanted to love her and treat her special and like a queen the rest of her life

[Sophie_M]

Hi Waxer,

It sounds like you are in a lot of pain tonight and we are sorry to hear how much you’re struggling. Please know that you’re not alone in this. 

We’d encourage you to get in touch with some support offline tonight, such as Lifeline (13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat ). They can also assist you in working through creating a safety plan if this is needed.

If you think it might be helpful, we would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.

Thanks for reaching out here tonight. We hope you can find a way to bring some comfort into your night. 

[Croix]

Dear Waxer~

Sophie_M has given you some good advice and organizations to talk with, which is excellent. Hoping God will remove your life or memories is no way to be. It may seem hard to believe right now but life can be so much better -but after a change.

I have read how you have been treated and I have read how you treat the person you love. Now you may have reached the stage where you think things are hopeless and I suspect you may blame yourself over it all.

Frankly a partner having a BF there too is not something that is acceptable, it erodes your confidence and happiness down to nothing. You are not the sort of person who would find any way to live with it. It is just too corrosive on your soul to be so devalued and unloved.

Moving out and letting her get on wiht it might seem like leaving your life to be in a sot of limbo, seeing it just as a vista of being alone and loneliness.

In fact is not the case. You have so many qualities of kindness and consideration there would be many who would value those and never abuse them. It is not an empty world out there but populated with all sorts of people, including good ones.

So do you think leaving with the idea of building a better life might be an option ?

Croix

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[Waxer]

Thank you both. Last night I asked her if there was any chance we could be intimate. She got angry and said she doesnt want to be intimate with me until we connect. This makes me so sad, angry and resentful as she had no trouble having sex with this other guy fir so long,- so I feel like she must connect with him, makes me angry and jealous and resentful. I went fur a walk to cool down. Later last might she gave me a very loving kiss goodnight, then this morning when I left for work she told me she loved me and drive safe. All the way to work (2.5 hours) i was thinking that tonight or tomorrow morning I would tell her we are separating as I cant take this one sided marriage any more, but when o got to work and wrote it put, I couldn't send it as I still hope now that her bf is banned from our house and they have a lot less contact she might begin to really see me again, plus its probably going to be my dads last Christmas and my parents love her like a daughter (not that she has reciprocated lately) so im going to wait till January and see what happens, I just pray my heart doesn't completely shut down in mean time. It wouod still ne a lot easier for me to just not wake up

[Sophie_M]

Hey Waxer, thanks for updating us. Its sounds like you're in a very tricky and diffiuclt to navigate situation. We also understand how christmas could further complicate this situation. Did your partner say how you both might be able to connect better?  Please know there is help available even in your most difficult moments. In these moments you can get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going. 

[smallwolf]

Hi. I hope you don't mind me saying this... it sounds very confusing - one minute your wife is angry, in another tell you that "we" need to connect and the next day tell you she loves you. And the last statement may give you that glimmer of hope that everything will work out. Please tell me if I am incorrect.

It also sounded like you were going tell her about separating... Can I ask that while things are as they are there always that possibility that thing can change. But once you commit to some sort of actions, you would then have to follow through. Is that a fair statement?

Like Sophie_M asked... I would be curious to know what she means by connecting? Or what would that take or require?

Anyway, you have said a time frame (?) for things. I hope in the upcoming days you will find some happy times.

[Waxer]

hi all, just letting yiu all know, things are a lot better between me and my wife. Im hoping we have turned the corner. She's much more loving and even says sorry sometimes when she speaks horrible to me, which she still sometimes does, but now I pull her up on it and she generally responds when she cools down. I still jump at sudden sounds and I don't think ill ever be able to stop that, im still on medication that helps, overall things aren't too bad. Im struggling to not think about the lies and betrayal and try to look ahead, its very hard but when I manage that we get aling good. I know its still a very one sided relationship, but not as one sided as its been, shes trying. I love her enough to stay patient, all i can do is be a great husband and hope she keeps responding

[Waxer]

Well my wife and her bf finally admitted they've been gaslighting me. Befire Christmas i caught them out lying to me. When I confronted them they did the usual thing and turned it around on me, my wife screamed at me that they weren't lying and even went so far as yo swear a solemn oath. But I recorded them and was finally able to prove beyond doubt they'd been lying to me, and worse, made me feel mentally ill and paranoid by always screaming me into believing I must be ill or paranoid. I finally got them to admit they've caused my mental illness y gaslighting me

[Croix]

Dear Waxer~

I guess the best thing to come out of all this is you can start to believe in yourself and your instincts . This is, as I've found, a slow process however you have a start. Being gaslighted makes you doubt yourself, and as a result any decisions you want to make are harder as you are not 100% certain of the circumstances.

Now you know. you have been deceived and all the shouting at you has been a way of trying to overbear you.

When you have had a chance to think about these things would you like to say whay are your alternatives?

You are the person that knows the most about yourself and your circumstance, would it be helpful for you to list your alternative courses of action, together with their upsides and downsides?

Croix