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[Waxer]

Hi, I've been married for 36 years, I absolutely worship my wife. 3 years ago we allowed a other man I to our lives. We had a relationship that I found it exciting to watch my wife pleasured etc. Well at first it was all fun. After a while I noticed my wife changing. She started getting frustrated and shirt with me. I was too stupid to realise she had fallen in love with this other man. One day we were driving up north and she told me a big list of things I did wrong. I still didnt get it. Once we arrived we had an argument and she told me she wssnt in love with me any more but was in love with this other man. I begged her to stay with me and she did. She told me she would try in our marriage but refused to give him up. In short over the next few years she told me another 4 times she was in love with him. She also told me a number of times she would choose him over me if I made her choose. These days she tells me she loves me and isbt in love with him and it's just friendship. She cant understand why I cant just forgive and move on. Ive got depression and something like ptsd. I cant live without her, but I can see shes getting to the point of bot wanting me to stay because she cant deal with my meltdowns when I get bouts of depression. I dont know what to do. I seriously wish I would just have a heart attack and die, trouble is I believe in afterlife and csnt bear the thought of going thru eternity without her love. She tells me she loves me yet Katy night said if I have one more meltdown that will be it. I'm seriously thinking of committing suicide but if i fail she will lose all her li e for me and I'll be alive without her love, if i succeed i gotta go through eternity without her. I love her so much, I'm totally in love with her , every time I hear her voice or see her I melt. I dont know what to do

[Sophie_M]

Hi Waxer,

Welcome to the forums. We are sorry to hear how much you’re struggling with thoughts of suicide. Please know that you’re not alone in this. We understand how complex relationships can be and it must be very difficult to think clearly at the moment about ways to help you cope. Our community is here to talk through some options with you. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

When you feel up to it, we’d encourage you to get in touch with some additional supports offline to ensure your wellbeing. Our Support Service has sent you an email to try and check in with you to make sure that you have a plan to keep yourself safe.

For more immediate support feel free to give us a ring on 1300 22 4636 to talk things through.
Another option can be to reach out to our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat ). They can also assist you in working through creating a safety plan which can be helpful during this time.

We look forward to hearing how you’re going.
 

[Croix]

Dear Waxer~

You are in a horrible position and I'm not sure many people could handle it without becoming just as upset as you are -and it just goes on

It sounds from what you say your wife still wants to be with you, after all she has gone back to sayng she loves you, however I am guessing she is still seeing the other man. She may be built to have two relationship at once, and is perfectly content that way. You are not

Undoubtedly those meltdowns are uncomfortable for her, but I suspect are very much worse for you. May I suggest you get medical help, see your GP and then a councilor? Like many things being able to cope better is a start.

Depression is something that narrows your thoughts down to just a few unfix-able things. It gives no means of dealing with them and killing yourself can seem the only way out. I've felt like that for different reasons than you, but the effect is the same. Getting rid of the melt-downs would help.

It might not cure your marriage - though you don't know that - it can however give you a life less unbearable, even one with things in it to enjoy. Sounds hard to believe, I dismissed people sayng that at the time , but became an example of great improvement myself.

You are welcome here anytime

Croix

[Waxer]

Thanks for the reply and thanks to beyond blue for reaching out to talk to me, I'd like to take soon, but not at the moment. The story is more complicated. The last few years have not been kind. My best friend died the same day my wife was in hospital with a life threatening stingray attack just over a year ago, another friend died later last year. My father has been in hospital for about 5 months with multiple issues and weve said goodbye to him a number of times aa he wasnt expected to last the night , yet somehow hes still hanging on, my wifes father passed away a few weeks ago reasonably suddenly, another 2 friends died within just over a year, I've been to court in 2 different issues from people ripping us off, theres a rift with my 2 sisters over the handling of my parents situation and I recently found out I have a half sister who is younger than my daughter who I haven't met and noone is telling me how I can. I could handle all that if I didnt feel like I have to constantly look over my shoulder to see if my wife has stopped loving me. I'm forced to let this other guy constantly in our life or lose her. I'm on a new medication now which seems to help, a different medication was not kind to my body, but I'm still depressed and at times I just pray to god to take me home but erase my memory of the last 3 years, I was so happy before then. I got a bunch of photos from our life together and showed my wife who agreed we were happy, she had been telling me we weren't and my mind was and is starting to play tricks. I looked up gaslighting and I believe she unintentionally does that to me. Things have been ok lset 3 days, but I know that if I have an opinion or disagree on anything or get upset about anything she will get very angry and I'm apparently on my last chance if I have another meltdown.

[Croix]

Dear Wayer~

As you say, the last few years have been exceptionally unkind, court appearances, the death of your best and other friends, 5 months of uncertainly over your dad, plus family issues with your sisters and now half sister. Enough to make the strongest weak.

I know your wife has had her dad pass away, and in an ideal world you would both be there to support each other. Sadly not the case at all.

At the moment you are living under threats, spoken or otherwise, if you react badly or disagree then you fear your marriage would be over.

OK, maybe now is not the time to force the issue. I can imagine you might feel bad about yourself allowing this to happen and going along with it. However you have limits, and going further at the moment might make so much pressure you could not cope.

Maybe now is the time for recuperation and building up your coping abilities. Dealing with your marriage may be better dealt with after that.

You have some new meds, which although no complete answer can be a real help. What can also help too is doing things that can make you feel better about yourself and at the same time distract you from the harsher side of life.

Now I don't know enough to make any concrete suggestions, it might be anything from playing in a group if you are musical to bowls or swimming if you are athletic, or maybe assisting a community organizations such as St Vincent's or the Salvos. I've no idea, just throwing out random thoughts. Anything where you feel you do well, maybe even appreciated.

Due to physical limitation I can't do sport or even go out walking, however between posting here, and distracting myself every day reading (I look forward to nightly chapters of good books) I get satisfaction occupation and a fresh world.

Can you things of things you might enjoy doing?

Croix

[Croix]

P.S. My apologies for the typo in your name.
-C

[Waxer]

Thanks for your reply. Some helpful suggestions. Sometimes i feel like my heads going to explode, I just cant stop thinking about everything. Looking thru others threads, I feel bad as they seem to be worse off. But my wife is my world. I always imagined we were indestructible and even when we died we would find each other and be together for eternity. Even when things are good I cant stop remembering some bad things. I'm starting to feel physically unwell now, I cough a lot, lately I'm waking up feeling like I'm about to vomit and have a little, I also usually have diarrhoea. I find i alternate between fear that the stress has caused a cancer or something and hoping it has so I can leave this world. I asked her to come see the marriage counsellor again as she helped the first 2 times, but she says shes not interested, but she still insists she loves me, she thinks I have an unrealistic view of love

[Croix]

Dear Waxer~

First off your condition is as serious as anyone's and you are in exactly the right place, you are not pushing anyone else out to make room for you, and people reading of your struggles who are in the same position will actually benefit from seeing they are not alone.

I have psychical symptoms caused by stress, depression, anxiety and PTSD, all matters of the mind. They include the frequent visits to the toilet, the nausea etc etc. All my symptoms have been very thoroughly examined and found not to have a physical cause. My medical team treat both the mental condition and also specifically some of the symptoms -with a fair degree of success. To be headache free and not need to be near a toilet -plus all the rest - dramatically reduces my overall stress and this in turn makes my condition better.

Maybe worth discussing along those lines with your doctor?

I hate to be blunt, but I suspect if anyone does not have an 'unrealistic view of love' it is your wife, not you.

I have lived though the hoping/fearing some cancer or other illness is going to kill me, all I can say is now I'm glad that was not the case.

You will get though this. No not easy at all, but you are not alone

Croix

[Waxer]

Thanks for the help. I keep replaying things in my mind. I replay the times my wife told me she wasnt in love with me and was with him again and again, it's almost as if I replay it enough there will be a different memory. Then I replay the stingray episode - we were 140km south of exmouth. My daughter and wife were walking in shallow water looking at the tropical fish, next thing my wife screamed , there was blood coming everywhere from a hole in her artery in the ankle. I picked her up and took her to shore and got a bandage and wrapped it up, threw everything out of the way and drove at 100kph on the sand and dirt track for 80km till we got phone signal. We rang ambulance and they were to meet us on road, I drive at 170kph on tar till we met them. They stabilised her and took her to hospital, all the way I didnt know if she would survive, so much blood. Thankfully the barb hadnt stuck and they could stabilise her with antibiotics and stitches etc, I had to go back that night to get our caravan, no signal till morning , when i got back to when we could get signal 80k or so, I rang the hospital and she was stable but very sick and sore, while I was on the phone one of my 2 best friends called , I called him back and our best friend had died, I couldn't even go to his funeral because my wife couldn't fly. This is just one of the complications of many on my life over last year and half.

[Croix]

Dear Waxer~

I think you have hit on something profound there"... gain and again, it's almost as if I replay it enough there will be a different memory ..."

I know exactly what you mean and maybe it is seeking a happier ending, one that can never come. The mind just keeps trying.

Your account of the stingray episode shows a lot about you. Kept calm, resourceful, able - and successful. Waiting for the phone signal so you could find out what happened would have been very hard.

So would finding about your best friend, mine died a couple of months ago after a long illness so I know how you would have felt. It leaves a hole in the soul. I've found the missing a little less now and can even look back on jokes we shared and other good times we had together, as well as all the grief. Do you support and get support from your other freind?

I guess you may be more resilient and able to cope than you imagine. True the current time is horrible, however you have an awful lot to offer, and placing yourself in a subservient position might not be the best course - you are a worthy person in your own right. If your wife cannot see that it is a reflection on her.

OK she might enjoy being with another, but it is at your expense and she knows that. While I only have limited information to judge from I beleive she is not showing love, or consideration, both essential in a good relationship.

There are good relationships in the world, I've been blessed with two, and the grief and hopelessness at the end of one melted under the love of another, which lasts though to today.

Croix