Help

[Waxer]

Hi, I've been married for 36 years, I absolutely worship my wife. 3 years ago we allowed a other man I to our lives. We had a relationship that I found it exciting to watch my wife pleasured etc. Well at first it was all fun. After a while I noticed my wife changing. She started getting frustrated and shirt with me. I was too stupid to realise she had fallen in love with this other man. One day we were driving up north and she told me a big list of things I did wrong. I still didnt get it. Once we arrived we had an argument and she told me she wssnt in love with me any more but was in love with this other man. I begged her to stay with me and she did. She told me she would try in our marriage but refused to give him up. In short over the next few years she told me another 4 times she was in love with him. She also told me a number of times she would choose him over me if I made her choose. These days she tells me she loves me and isbt in love with him and it's just friendship. She cant understand why I cant just forgive and move on. Ive got depression and something like ptsd. I cant live without her, but I can see shes getting to the point of bot wanting me to stay because she cant deal with my meltdowns when I get bouts of depression. I dont know what to do. I seriously wish I would just have a heart attack and die, trouble is I believe in afterlife and csnt bear the thought of going thru eternity without her love. She tells me she loves me yet Katy night said if I have one more meltdown that will be it. I'm seriously thinking of committing suicide but if i fail she will lose all her li e for me and I'll be alive without her love, if i succeed i gotta go through eternity without her. I love her so much, I'm totally in love with her , every time I hear her voice or see her I melt. I dont know what to do

[Waxer]

Thing is, when we spend time alone together without outside influences, it's the most wonderful thing

[Waxer]

I'm so down tonight I really just wish I had the guts to end it. She is slipping away from me and I just cant be the man she wants me to be. I love her so damned much I just cant take feeling her slip away any more. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Waxer, we are so sorry that you are feeling so down tonight, but please know that there is always support here for you. Our Support Service is checking in with you through email to offer you some extra support and ensure you have a plan in place to keep safe. We’d really appreciate it if you could reply to them. Our community will be here to listen and talk you through this difficult time, so we hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you’re going, whenever you feel up to it.

[Croix]

Dear Waxer~

Sophie_M offers good advice. There have been times where I would not have survived by myself and it took others to give me perspective and eventually hope,

At the moment you are concentrating on just one part of your life, it is terrible, but there is more, as I found out. Depression shrinks down one's thoughts to just a few unfix-able things , and locks away all the other things in life, many worth having or enjoyable.

It took me a long time to find out others could actually help and make life more tolerable -which in time became a good life again.My I suggest you give others a chance?

Croix

[Waxer]

I feel like I got mentally ill because my world was destroyed and my heart shattered and now my mental illness is going to cost me my last chance with the live of my life.

[Croix]

Dear Waxer~

I would suggest you contact the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) who can be a real comfort, no matter what the circumstances. Between them and Sophie_M you may find there is something to make a small spark of hope in your life.

There is no denying your situation is unenviable, and I guess to some extent you are right, the bad situation had left you reacting in despair, and that in turn has made the situation worse -and so on on a horrible sort of loop.

However the other way round is true too, if you feel a little better then that in turn may improve the situation, which may make you feel better again, which improves the situation further -and so it goes on. A much better sort of loop.

The trick is to break out of that first sort of loop, the one where you fell worse and worse. I could not do that - at least not by myself, and the longer I hung on the worse it got. Eventually I did tell my doctor how I felt, and from then on things gradually became easier, the situation felt less hopeless, and I felt stronger and more capable of dealing with things.

There is a strong temptation to believe nothing can help, that is simply wrong as I found out

You are not alone in this

Croix

[Waxer]

Things are a bit better tonight, but I had the most awful night, one of the worst in my life. I felt like there was a physical dark cloud drifting down and weighing me down and suffocating me with the most dispareful feeling I can imagine, I really wanted to end it right there and then, the only thing probably stopping me was knowing that there was a way to call someone here, even though I didnt. My wife told me some pretty hard things last night , I know I'm really on my last chance if I have a meltdown again I know she will leave me. Trouble is, I know my dad will probably pass soon and I know a meltdown is inevitable no matter how hard im going to try. I know shes having it hard atm , her dad died only a few weeks ago and I wish I was a stronger person to support her. They weren't all that close, she will tell you different, but he was estranged from the family until I pushed her to give him a chance, then the rest of her 5 siblings did too, only when it came time I was treated like an outcast even though I'd probably spent more time with him than the other 5 siblings put together over last 18 years. He gave them virtually nothing, my daughter didn't even shed a tear as he really wasn't a great father or grandfather, but god I wish I had one quarter of the loyalty he got from my wife. Ive given her everything , a nice house, she only has to work when she wants to, a nice e car, spending money etc, I send her beautiful messages of love almost every day, I keep the house like a show house (when she met me, my wardrobe was a 4 foot high pile of clothes at end of my bed, so I changed big time fur her on that one) I cook as often as possible, clean up, speak beautifully to her, tickle her hair to sleep when shes tired or stressed, always try to be as perfect as I can, yet she resents me big time, I think it mostly stems from me not being able to move forward, I always feel like I gotta watch out as I didnt see the first time she fell out of love coming and I guess subconsciously an on high alert fur any sign of falling out of love or wanting to leave. She says just move on and forgive and forget, trouble is I did that 3 times and it came back to bite me, more if you count the times she point blank told me she would choose him if I made her choose. Theres so much more to this story , but I dont want to wear out my welcome here. Its been a real help even being able to write this without fear

[Croix]

Dear Waxer~

May I put one of your worries to rest right now - you are not going to wear out your welcome. It's true there may be times when you don't get a reply straight away, but that will be because we have to answer a number of threads, and sometimes one simply has to stop, even though others deserved more.

It's part of having human limitations I guess. In those instances of silence you may indeed wonder if you have said too much -the answer is ALWAYS no -OK? We are here to support you.

When you think abut it, you gave your father in law an awful lot of support, and made the end of his life so completely different from what it might have been, He had his family around and was not alone. Without you being all alone is probably what would have happened.

You also gave your wife and her 5 siblings the chance to be reconciled wiht their father -a pretty significant gift.

Whether you recognize it or not that takes not only empathy and human compassion but strenght too. To put it bluntly to say otherwise is rubbish.

Talk with sensible and compassionate human beings is one of the gifts in this world, and the fact you knew you could ring stopped you from tying to kill yourself is great. Please always remember that. I am looking forward to the day where you can again face life, and find enjoyment

If a father passes away anyone would have a meltdown and everyone else would call it entirely natural grief. Under such circumstances everyone is entitled to grieve, and to do so in their own way.

Up until now I've tried to be cautious about commenting on your wife's behavior as I'm not present with all the facts at my disposal, however holding the threat you will have a melt down over your head to control you seems to me both heartless and cruel.

Saying 'move on' is frankly a cop-out. It is a means by which her behavior is overlooked, and implies the blame should be yours.

I quite believe you have turned around and made a tidy house, eased her to sleep by stroking her heir, and providing luxuries and necessities willingly and well.

In return you are given harsh words and threats.

No matter how much you love her do you think it might be time to step back for a moment and look at your relationship? You trying your very hardest, she not responding except to push you down.

It does not sound like the balanced partnership you deserve and need, one where what you give (and that is a lot) is returned with love.

This is a hard task to do - what do you think?

Croix

[Waxer]

I know it looks that way and it probably is to certain extent, I'm no angle, Ive made huge mistakes including letting sex become something I lost track of her at times, the thing is, my wife is a beautiful angel. I am the only person that seems to bring out the anger in her. I believe she is and has been extremely selfish about her needs with this other man, I was stupid enough to allow him into our lives and now hes entwined. I did make her choose a couple months ago and she chose me, but I was a mess still and one night she started hitting me and yelling at me to get over it, and I self-harmed, I was just blown apart in my mind. Shes very resentful about me doing that, that's the thing shes angry about and that I cant seem to move forward . anyway, that night she called this other guy around to support her and me to a certain extent and now long story short hes back in our lives. I do think it's not the same between them, in fact ironically hes the one who's encouraged her to work on our relationship. I know I'm not making much sense it's so complicated. Today she was really nice to me, you see when shes not angry with me its like living with a beautiful angel. Shes funny eccentric and has a smile that could light up a small country. I look at her and melt, I'd do anything to have her back like we used to be, happy and fun. I'm sure she knows what she did wrong, but I do understand I've worn her down with my depression and ptsd. I guess its hard for her even knowing deep down shes caused this to cope with me like this, and at the same time grieving over her dad as it's only been a few weeks. She told me today to get it through my head that she does love me , but I also know shes at the end of her ability to cope with me. She wants me to find a respite or something, I have seen 2 psychologists, but with my dad dying and hers already gone and a new grabdsom with club foot I haven't been able to see him again and tbh not sure how much help he is, I saw a psychiatrist via skype but after making me fill in a 2 or 3 hour questionnaire beforehand it was obvious he hadnt even read it and just wrote me a script fur a drug which didbt agree with me at all. I'm on a new drug but it's only been a week. I spoke to lifeline a couple of times and all they kept saying was they could feel my pain and hear how hurt I was. I think i need some sort of intense therapy, like a full day each week fur a while or a full week . Both I fully understand u cant always be online you and sophie, you e been a huge help though so far

[Croix]

Dear Waxer~

You have a very forgiving and empathetic nature. Forgiveness comes about after one can see a wrong, but forgives anyway. So in a way I'm glad, as you do see your wife has wronged you, and if she sees that herself then she has her guilt to contend with, as well as your distress.

Your self harming, will quite probably underlines for her the damage she has done, and the fact she called the other person in to help may simply show how out of her depth she feels. Emphasizing she does love you is good -for both of you..

It may be now you both agree the sex play was a mistake, it did act as a separator as it included a third party, rather than being something that brings the two of you together. Choosing you is a hopeful sign, and if she is worn down with your distress and the passing of her father then perhaps she should seek counseling herself.

The Lifeline phone service is an excellent organization, however they are a crisis line, rather than there for long term counseling and therapy. The Suicide Call Back Service, even though a crisis line too, is more that way and does offer some repeat visits to therapists without charge. Relationships Australia is less of a crisis line, and does a great deal of counseling , or recommending nearby services to people.

You have to be in charge of your recovery, and that concludes organizing medical personnel. If they seem to miss the point, or leave you feeling the time was wasted then it is time to firstly talk of this to them and if that does not result in significant improvement then move to another. Normally a GP helps with this.

I do feel sorry for your grandson, this is an area I know nothing about. It it something that can be corrected?

Croix