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[Waxer]

Hi, I've been married for 36 years, I absolutely worship my wife. 3 years ago we allowed a other man I to our lives. We had a relationship that I found it exciting to watch my wife pleasured etc. Well at first it was all fun. After a while I noticed my wife changing. She started getting frustrated and shirt with me. I was too stupid to realise she had fallen in love with this other man. One day we were driving up north and she told me a big list of things I did wrong. I still didnt get it. Once we arrived we had an argument and she told me she wssnt in love with me any more but was in love with this other man. I begged her to stay with me and she did. She told me she would try in our marriage but refused to give him up. In short over the next few years she told me another 4 times she was in love with him. She also told me a number of times she would choose him over me if I made her choose. These days she tells me she loves me and isbt in love with him and it's just friendship. She cant understand why I cant just forgive and move on. Ive got depression and something like ptsd. I cant live without her, but I can see shes getting to the point of bot wanting me to stay because she cant deal with my meltdowns when I get bouts of depression. I dont know what to do. I seriously wish I would just have a heart attack and die, trouble is I believe in afterlife and csnt bear the thought of going thru eternity without her love. She tells me she loves me yet Katy night said if I have one more meltdown that will be it. I'm seriously thinking of committing suicide but if i fail she will lose all her li e for me and I'll be alive without her love, if i succeed i gotta go through eternity without her. I love her so much, I'm totally in love with her , every time I hear her voice or see her I melt. I dont know what to do

[Waxer]

Yesterday started out disastrously, I made a comment that this other man makes regularly in jest about her sister be7ng many hours late fir events and she got angry when I pointed out that the other guy regularly makes similar comments she went off the Richter scale angry again, I really really tried to not melt down as my heart was telling me to fall in a heap and cry and withdraw and panick. I quietly handled it as best I could but stuck my ground that he does get ti say things I cant. I know I'm on my last meltdown chance so I summoned every bit of strength I had to stay strong yet caring and quietly stood my ground inside my heart was crying for god to take me away from this pain After a little while, she apologised which was a real big step. Anyway, we went to her cousins place to celebrate his 60th , I absolutely adore her cousin and his family, and all the extended relatives, we had an absolutely wonderful time and my wife was quite loving to me , it filled my heart with joy and today was awesome as well, spent more time with the family and I had a ball, first time I've been able to laugh and feel confident with people in a long time. I'm really hoping we can build on this , but I'm terrified that if I say one wrong word or disagree on anything or ask fur any sort of understanding that she will revert to being nasty again. It kills me when she does that, she can be so nasty (for instance she made love to me yesterday morning which was wonderful and I wsdnt expecting it and I felt loved, then when she was attacking me over the comment she said she wished she hadnt made love to me. God it hurt, when I was trying to pacify her she said I had put her through hell over last few years with thoughts of suicide and the self harm episode. I quietly said that I didnt mean to be that way and that what happened had destroyed me totally and there had to be consequences that couldn't be avoided like me losing my heart and confidence that it wouldnt happen again. Anyway, I just hope and pray we get our mojo back. My gut tells me whilever she shares her heart with me and the other guy, even though hes supposedly a friend now and I get all the assurances it wont happen again, it did, a number of times so it's going to take a lot of time fur my heart to heal compared to if he was totally out of the picture. Ut I know if I pushed for that atm she would choose him

[Croix]

Dear Waxwer~

Well the thing that stands out in your last post is that you stood your ground, despite being in great turmoil and fear inside. You did it quietly and by the sound of it reasonably, and she apologized.

The way you relate matters it appears that you partner has, if not a cruel streak, at least an inability to know what is over the top - such as her remark about wishing she had not made love.

That's not quite the same thing as wanting to dump you, and I'm not sure you are right she would choose the other. That apology could be a hopeful sign of seeing you more of an equal.

It's probably true your thoughts of suicide and the self-harm have taken their toll on her, however that is a sign of concern for you. With a stranger you would get help and leave the matter.

May I suggest if you find out she is still concerned then you consider doing a Safety Plan with her. That will give her a little control of the situation and is a positive move. It also gives you a valuable resource.

There is a pretty good free one here:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

Two people will always make a better one than just the one person, and you can be as inventive as you like. I had help from my partner (who knows me better than I know myself at times). I have references to YouTube clips, comedians' routines, books, photos, and a wealth of other things that have made me feel a little happier or calmer -or even given me enjoyment.

Easy to reach for when overwhelmed.

What do you think?

Croix

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[Waxer]

My angel asked me tonight how I felt the new meds were going I wanted to say they are ok but what I really need is to feel emotionally secure, to know I can have an opinion or try to talk about past issues without her attacking me and getting so angry. I wanted to say I probably wouldnt need meds if youd just love me, make me feel secure, listen to me , let me tell you how I feel, if you made me feel that i honestly am the most important person in your life and most importantly you are half as fiercely loyal to me as you are to all your family and this other man- but I couldn't, I went back into my shell as I know I cant do any of that without risk of humiliation of making me feel like a nobody in her life, it was wonderful feeling her care tonight , but I'd still be happy to just leave this world with my only memories taking me as far as 3 years back before I had my heart shredded before my world was shattered, before I lost what and who I thought I was and before I stopped being the happy and confident person I used to be

[Croix]

Dear Waxer~

I can understand what you are saying however I'm not sure it is an either-or situation. She asked after your welfare -that's good - and you retreated. I can see why, it appeared to be a less dangerous course, less chance of her leaving.

On the other hand you did stand your ground the other day, without it becoming threatening to her feelings, and it worked OK. Perhaps you can go at this from another side, that's basically why I suggested BeyondNow, to get the two of you talking and her understanding some of your feelings. Not necessarily caused by what she has or has not done, not accusatory or guilt inspiring, but in general.

Perhaps I'm unrealistic, however if she had a hand in putting you in a safer place it might help you both.

Do you think this is an idea worth pursuing?

Croix

[Waxer]

Yes, I do, I'm afraid of opening up to her, but I will certainly think about it. I had a beautiful day with her today. I'm so afraid of doing anything to stuff it up. Yet even tonight when she lovingly kissed me goodnight, 10 seconds later I was secretly in tears remembering her telling me she wasnt in love with me and the sheer panick and heart tearing I felt, I wish I could stop replaying those things , they break my heart and destroy my soul. I'm sure it's my subconscious telling me dont get blindsided again, get your heart ready to be smashed. Every night even when it's been a good day with my angel I feel like I wouldnt care if I woke up, but pray i could only remember back to before she broke my heart. I must go over it at least 200 times every day. I used to be a happy strong confident man

[Croix]

Dear Waxer~

The things that have happened have destroyed trust, given you great grief and have affected your whole life. I would feel much as you.

The thing that worries me most is the fact your mind returns to the bleak side so often. I know it all knocks the stuffing out of you, however I beleive you need to look after yourself better, to have techniques to employ whenever those cruel thoughts return.

This is not a magic fix but can certainly be a help to give your life more calm and less misery.

As you are under medication I guess you have at least a GP, do you think it might be worth talking there abut therapy with a psychologist or psychiatrist to help you cope with these thoughts and reduce your anxiety?

Croix

[Waxer]

Thanks again fur taking time to talk to me. I've been to 2 psychologists and had a Skype talk to psychiatrist, he wasnt interested , he hadnt even read the questionnaire he told me to fill in prior.i saw a Bowen therapist yesterday, not sure if that helped yet, but she did help my wife. My wife gets very angry with me very easily. She told me that she told the therapist it's because I used to always be the strong one who looked after her and now she thinks shes looking after me. I'm not sure how she looks after me any more than before, maybe she counts me having meltdowns when she gets angry with me as looking after me, I don't know. The irony of course is I was a happy strong healthy confident man before my world came crashing down the first time she told me she was in love with him and not me and then the rest of my confidence was shattered over the next couple years being told that again and again as well as being told many times she would choose him over me if it came to it. This last week things have been really good, I think the therapist helped my wife, but then again I haven't disagreed with her on anything or dared to say a tiny word about her sister or the other guy. I think the thing I struggle most with now is the lack of loyalty. She and anyone else can say whatever they like about me, yet its ww3 if I say the tiniest thing about her sisters or the other guy, even in jest. It really hurts when the other guy seems to be able to say anything he likes yet I always have to watch myself. For instance he can say banter about her wearing sexy clothes yet if I say anything she says im obsessed with her body.It makes me feel down her list of importance. The irony of that is this is how I felt growing up. I thought I had someone who I was the most important person to her for most of our 36 years together, now I feel like I'm not the most important person to anyone.

[Waxer]

My angel said goodnight to me tonight and told me she lived me, then said you know that right? I really do. I wanted to say no I dont know that, as I know that the slightest disagreement or if I make the mistake of saying the tiniest thing wrong about her sisters or this other guy, thsts shes likely to speak to le with such hatred that it will destroy what's left of my soul. And each time that happens makes me more likely to feel like ending it all to stop the pain. I dont know what's wrong with me, I thought I was a good caring husband and a good man , but I mustn't be. I see others on the forum say they have depression or anxiety and o dont know what I've got. I spoke to my dad today about the sister I didnt know about who's younger than my daughter, that went ok, I'm worried about my cousin who's dying of cancer and his family, I think a lot about all the 6 friends and family that have died over last year and a bit and my dads not got long. I feel like if my wife says one more time shes got nothing in her heart for me it will be the final straw.last time she said it she denied it. I feel like now shes gaslighting me. But I love her so much.

[Croix]

Dear Waxer~

I can understand the frustration if psychiatrists or psychologist do not pay due care and attention, or even if they do try but end up not helping. It is one of those occasions where it is good to be in charge of things, you have to ability to try elsewhere. There are good psychiatrists, I've been lucky and found two long term who have done me a great deal of good. So far you have been unlucky. It doe not mean that will continue.

Please excuse me now for being frank, you may disagree.

From what you have said you are in an unequal relationship where your confidence and self respect has been constantly eroded by unkind remarks and activities. Your reactions, which otherwise might be very to the point, are held back by the fear you will be left.

It is not an easy situation to improve, however it may be possible. I would suggest getting yourself into a place where you have more confidence in yourself and what you are entitled to in the way of respect is the first step. A feeling you can handle things, no matter what.

You mentioned feeling you were coming second in your youth, which may have a bearing on this, so when looking for medical support both aspects might need to be dealt with . Not every psychiatrist, psychologist or councilor, even well meaning, is going to be able to deal with this. It is one who develops your trust and confidence who will succeed, so please don't give up on your search.

Croix

[Waxer]

My beautiful angel has been lovely to me again today , it's about a week now , I'm so fragile but I have hope that her therapy has made her turn the corner. God i hope so, its been the most wonderful week. When shes like this I'm really in heaven , if I was offered this feeling this week as my heaven I'd take it in a heartbeat.