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[Waxer]

Hi, I've been married for 36 years, I absolutely worship my wife. 3 years ago we allowed a other man I to our lives. We had a relationship that I found it exciting to watch my wife pleasured etc. Well at first it was all fun. After a while I noticed my wife changing. She started getting frustrated and shirt with me. I was too stupid to realise she had fallen in love with this other man. One day we were driving up north and she told me a big list of things I did wrong. I still didnt get it. Once we arrived we had an argument and she told me she wssnt in love with me any more but was in love with this other man. I begged her to stay with me and she did. She told me she would try in our marriage but refused to give him up. In short over the next few years she told me another 4 times she was in love with him. She also told me a number of times she would choose him over me if I made her choose. These days she tells me she loves me and isbt in love with him and it's just friendship. She cant understand why I cant just forgive and move on. Ive got depression and something like ptsd. I cant live without her, but I can see shes getting to the point of bot wanting me to stay because she cant deal with my meltdowns when I get bouts of depression. I dont know what to do. I seriously wish I would just have a heart attack and die, trouble is I believe in afterlife and csnt bear the thought of going thru eternity without her love. She tells me she loves me yet Katy night said if I have one more meltdown that will be it. I'm seriously thinking of committing suicide but if i fail she will lose all her li e for me and I'll be alive without her love, if i succeed i gotta go through eternity without her. I love her so much, I'm totally in love with her , every time I hear her voice or see her I melt. I dont know what to do

[Chumptastic]

Hi Waxer,

im so sorry you’re in this position. It seems very difficult. But from the outside looking in, this relationship Is toxic. Is this the relationship you really want? I would encourage you to google Chumplady. I tried desperately to keep my marriage when I found out my husband cheated on me for most of the marriage. I’m struggling now but I know I could never live in constant fear of him leaving or cheating again. I know it seems the end of the world to leave but she is not treating you well at all. Her behaviour is abusive. You deserve better than that. I hope in time you realise that this relationship is making you sick

hugs 🤗

K

[Waxer]

I have avoided huge arguments for months. Last night we had a long discussion with another couple in a similar situation. The difference being the woman said she would end her extra marital affair if she felt her husband was hurting. It got quite heated. The guy even got frustrated with my wifes selfishness. She started speaking to him aggressively too. She is adamant that fur her to be happy%2c she must be able to do whatever she wants with regards to her boyfriend and she expects me to be happy with that. I dont know if the readers here believe in God but we both do. She prays a lot. I asked her to pray for God to help her know what the right thing to do is. I said god is not father Christmas%2c you cant pray just fur things that make you happy%2c you have to pray for help to do the right thing. I%27m trying to pray to%2c I find it difficult. I still live her with all my heart%2cbut last night I realised and I know even the other couple realised how selfish she has become. I believe the right thing to do is become a traditional marriage. I%27ve told her I an handle him being a friend but no more making me feel like second rate. She said she should be able to do whatever she wants and I shouldnt try to make her do things like not have sex with him. I said I cant make her do anything%2c but if she loves me she wouldnt want to di things that hurt me. Shes also hanging on to her anger at me for putting her through hell by being suicidal. I asked her to pray for the strength to forgive me as I forgive her and her boyfriend. I think she diesnt want to as it gives her justification for her stance on the relatio ship

[smallwolf]

I am wondering if your wife is so used to getting everything she wants and is perhaps views herself has being rewarded.

At the same time it sounds like there is part of her that does care about you - it may be represented by anger "for putting her through hell by being suicidal". While you might expect support from her, it might be that she is scared about losing you to the point of anger. Or that is the only way she know how to react? Perhaps the most scary thing is to be left alone. Of course this is all speculation.

When did the discussion become heated? What made the discussion heated?

It is hard to make someone change their attitudes / habits / behaviours. That does not mean it cannot change. Or it could refer to some sort of compromise in finding a way forward.

I am aware from your posts how much you love and care for wife. I would hope for an honest communication about everything the two of you are feeling without argument, and asking her why she might be drawn to an open relationship.Remember your relationship needs to work for you and your partner. If you're not able to reach a compromise ...

Tim

[Waxer]

Interestingly it got heated when she was going on and on about what makes her happy as in she wants me to just accept her bf etc and it got to the stage this guy with us got exasperated and asked her " for gods sake can you think about anyone else but yourself, or something like that, of course my wife is super fiery and that fired her up. anyway, we talked about stuff today and she said she accepts that there should be no more sex but still wants him to regularly visit (we probably see him average 2 to 3 times week,) but also still wants to be able to kiss and hug him. I dont know how she thinks that ok. But I still hold onto hope as there have been some signs of hope. There might also be some merit in your suggestion about her anger, might be part of it but I think the larger part is it gives her an excuse in her head to treat me how she does

[smallwolf]

It is natural for people to get defensive if they feel they are being criticized. Sounds like your wife has thought about things since that conversation to say

she accepts that there should be no more sex

On the anger part ...I was just thinking out loud. But when you mentioned she was angry with you for being suicidal it reminded me of a story I had heard - when one person was scared about what could happen to someone they cared for it came out in the form of anger.

I hope today was better for you.

[Waxer]

Well we are home after 3 week break. Since my last post things got better, we had a great time - we always do when theres no outside influences. But now we are home the true test will come when she sees the boyfriend. Hes coming up tomorrow, good thing is hes going away himself at the end of the week so hopefully I'll have more time to consolidate the gains. I have been very carefully more assertive while h seems to help but it's a fine line I'm treading,

[smallwolf]

Hi. Long time no hear. Good to hear things have improved a little for you.

Do you want to tell me a little about the break?

And do you think there was anything you did differently that made the relationship stronger?

Tim

[Waxer]

Hi tim, it got stronger fur a whioe, but i thi k im just a father figure to her iw. Now that she vsbt have srx with her boyfriend shes punidhubg me by withholdung sexual affectiion . Im just sbout over being the onky ine to try in this relationship. I dint know how im going to cope but i yhibk ibe givrn it e rry shot i can try. I thibk shes going ti get a shock when she realises her biyfriend isnt so perfect when hes git ti support her like i have

[Waxer]

Sorry sbout the typos , my spellcheck disappeared eith revent update

[smallwolf]

its ok Waxer - I was able to work out what you meant.

What do you mean by that last statement about the boyfriend not being so perfect? Are you going to stop being so giving?

And it is sad to hear the relationship deteriorating again, after all the hard work you have put into making it work. Previously you mentioned having dinner with another couple. Have they given any advice to you about what to do?