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[Waxer]

Hi, I've been married for 36 years, I absolutely worship my wife. 3 years ago we allowed a other man I to our lives. We had a relationship that I found it exciting to watch my wife pleasured etc. Well at first it was all fun. After a while I noticed my wife changing. She started getting frustrated and shirt with me. I was too stupid to realise she had fallen in love with this other man. One day we were driving up north and she told me a big list of things I did wrong. I still didnt get it. Once we arrived we had an argument and she told me she wssnt in love with me any more but was in love with this other man. I begged her to stay with me and she did. She told me she would try in our marriage but refused to give him up. In short over the next few years she told me another 4 times she was in love with him. She also told me a number of times she would choose him over me if I made her choose. These days she tells me she loves me and isbt in love with him and it's just friendship. She cant understand why I cant just forgive and move on. Ive got depression and something like ptsd. I cant live without her, but I can see shes getting to the point of bot wanting me to stay because she cant deal with my meltdowns when I get bouts of depression. I dont know what to do. I seriously wish I would just have a heart attack and die, trouble is I believe in afterlife and csnt bear the thought of going thru eternity without her love. She tells me she loves me yet Katy night said if I have one more meltdown that will be it. I'm seriously thinking of committing suicide but if i fail she will lose all her li e for me and I'll be alive without her love, if i succeed i gotta go through eternity without her. I love her so much, I'm totally in love with her , every time I hear her voice or see her I melt. I dont know what to do

[Waxer]

"Trigger Warning"

Hi Tim. Well my wife told me she doesnt want a relationship with me and she wishes she had left me already. Yesterday she was nice to me again though and talking about future stuff as if we are staying together. This is killing me, I'm high risk of this virus. I'm seriously thinking of forgetting about being careful. 

[smallwolf]

it must be confusing to get mixed messages like that!

is it possible though she may not be able to tell you what she is really feeling and instead what comes is something along the lines of wanting to leave you? I am not saying this is the case, but a possibility?

I was with my psychologist today talking stuff as you do. She told me about a tool (?) from DBT called STOP -

S = Stop

T = Take a step back

O = Observe

P = Perceive mindfully

Because I am working from and "things" can get to me this was mentioned to me as another way of coping. A lady I work with is a bit snappy at the moment which can trigger me so the above is something I use in those situations. Stay safe,

Tim

[Waxer]

I missed an appointment with my psychologist today, I really needed that. Tonight my kitten told me she was definitely going recently. She said tonight she will definitely go if I have one note meltdown. Now I am terrified that I will make a mistake that I didnt think is a meltdown but she does. I saw our cousin on whatsap day before and hes dying, I was too scared to shed a tear after even though my body was craving to cry. I told her this tonight and she said that would have been ok but I'm so scared now to show any emotion. I told her a story about how when a cricket batsman is told hes on his last chance often he will fail because of the pressure, but when hes told he has a whole series to prove himself he often gets back into form. She took from that I was saying I'm going to meltdown, I desperately tried to tell her I'm getting help, I'm willing to do anything. Shes staying for now, but I'm so scared I'll stuff up I thivk its inevitable she will see any disagreement in any way as a meltdown. She says the last 2 years have been completely unhappy I tried to say I think sure its been hard but not always unhappy. I think shes just overr it but apprehensive about losing the house etc she was even trying to say we should stay together fur now just as friends, her sister is doing just that with her partner. I wouldn't cope with that it would be cruel to be every day with someone your totally in love with just as friends indefinitely. Her sisters been doing that fur a couple of years. My hearts already smashed thatceoyod just disintegrate it. The hard thing is shes taking no responsibility for how I am, if she would just stop telling me this sort of thing I'd be able to get back to being how she needs me a lot faster. I'm so broken now it would be so much easier if I wasnt here anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Waxer,

We are so grateful you have felt brave enough to share your journey with us here with the Beyond Blue community. We know how difficult this can be and it is so important that you have done this tonight. We're sorry that things have been so difficult for you but want you to know that we are here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. As you have mentioned thoughts of not wanting to be here, we are currently checking in with you via email to offer additional support and ensure you have a plan in place to keep yourself safe.

Keep checking back in and let us know how you're going. You're not alone in this. 

[Waxer]

Thanks sophie, I don't want to be here , I wish God would take me. I've got conflicting things in my head though I wouldn't be able to bring myself to self harm but I dont want to be alive so I find myself asking God to take me but erase the last few years of my memories except for my grandkids

[Sophie_M]

Hey Waxer
We're so sorry to hear you and your partner are not in a good place, it sounds like it has been a really overwhelming time for you. We acknowledge that it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support, and we are so glad that you have done so today. We want to let you know that we are checking in with you via email.
Keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it.

[smallwolf]

Hi. It is hard to read how difficult things have become for you. The story you mentioned about the cricket player... have you mentioned that to your wife at all?

Not sure if I have ever mentioned this to you.... I have an app on my phone called virtual hope box. It has a number of different tools including some distraction games, meditations, breathing exercises etc. The history of the app is interesting if you want to google it. Well, I found it interesting. With each phone it is the first app that I install.

There was a time I was suicidal, and I would spend my days at the library (the people knew me there). As soon as I felt "triggered" I would start the app and use one of the distractions. The word puzzle is really good. Sometimes I would have to go out of the library and site under a statue - I could be there for a hour or more until the low feelings passed.

Whether you try it out or not is up to you - it just worked for me.

Still here with you,

Tim

[Waxer]

Things had been much better fyr a fair while, I really felt like we were getting our mojo back. But then tonight I realised its not likely to work. I've been so perfect to her, tickle her hair each night, speak beautiful to her, I've physically lost weight and put on muscle. Things seemed to really be going in the right direction. But tonight I tried to talk to her about her boyfriend and wanted her to stop having a physical relationship with him. She got angry so much it hurt so bad. I didn't ask her to choose, but she told me I better not ask her to choose- it was an obvious threat to who she would choose. I can stay this perfect fur her, I can be the
Most beautiful husband to her indefinitely but not if I keep this underlying feeling thsy she loves him more. I dont k kw what else I could do. I bought her a mercedes convertible, speek absolutely beautifully to her, wait in her each night like jump up and get her cups of tea, hit water bottle or anything she needs, I keep the house like a show house, I try to cook as much as possible and certainly clean up each time, I wash her car, massage her virtually every day, constantly praise her, I never bite when she snals at me, which is often. I rarely get snappy myself, I try to be understanding. But she still resents me because I got suicidal when she told me fur about 4th or 5th time she loved this other guy more than me. I told her tonight she will never be happy while she refuses to forgive me. She prays a lit, I told her she needs to pray to ask god to help her forgive me, she keeps bringing up " what I did to her " I try tell her that I forgive and forgave them, and that's why I've been a lot better mentally for a fair while, but any tiny disagreement she digs into her little shirt bag and brings things up to hurt me, like saying she nearly left me etc which she has agreed so many times not to do. I just dint know what to do. Mentally I've been so much better , but I cant live indefinitely in the shadow of another man. Yet I fear if i push this she will go down the track of leaving me again and my mental state will disintegrate. I feel tonight that all the gains Ive had are in jeopardy. I feel very fragile tonight and I'm on the edge of going backwards

[Sophie_M]

Hi Waxer, 

Thank you for keeping us updated with how tough things have been for you in your relationship. Please know that you are not alone in your distress and pain, we are here to support you anytime.

You are always welcome to contact MensLine on 1300 789 978 or 1800 Respect on 1800 737 732 for a safe space to have some counselling around this difficult situation. 
 

[smallwolf]

Hi Waxer - it has been a while since I heard from you. I think you contacted the MensLine once before. Perhaps it is time to talk to them again? It sounds the relationship is one way with you providing everything and not getting much in return. It also sounds as if you are doing more and more to keep your wife happy and never quite enough? I can see from your post that you are a truly a giving and caring person. It may sound like an odd question, but what does your wife want from you?

Peace and comforting thoughts.