Frightened

[Scared]

Hi Im 61   Im beyond tired of doctors and dealing with people who dont have depression. I live in a windowless room slowly going under. I want to go out onto the street and call out help me please

Im so afraid if I look to deep at my reality I wont be able to handle it.

I had depression and anxiety for years , been hospitalised and all the usual ups and downs.  But this time is different like I dodged too many bullets and this time I wont get out of this living hell. So only suicide is left. I mean I really cant see things changing. I was desperate to stop this downhill spiral that I thought if I get a job that will save me. But now Im too sick to go to work and the new employer doesnt understand where I am and why. I now getting anxiety about that

I feel like screaming help or at least please understand me. I feel I can only relate to others with depression

[Scared]

• I just posted in young people section by mistake. I cant even do this right. Im 61 for Gods sake not 16. I now dont have the energy to start all over again.  I can only say I live in a windowless room and depression is getting worse. I feel like going out to the busy street and screaming help me.
• Im angry at people who are anti suicide who dont know what its like to live this way. Im too afraid to examine just how bad things really are . I just wasted all my energy on posting in the wrong section ( young people)
• Young people can have hope for things to improve whereby I dont share hope for myself. I dont belong to healthy people because I cant match them.
• I had suicide all set to go last year then a friend stopped me and I hospitalised for 5 weeks.
• What these friends dont get is Im left alone again suffering
• Why save me if I am to just suffer all over again

[Sophie_M]

                                                                           
Hi Scared,
 
Welcome to the Forums. We are glad that you have been able to reach out here today in the midst of what sounds like a really distressing time. We wanted to let you know we are also reaching out to you privately via email to check in and make sure you have some supports during this time.

It makes sense that you feel you can most relate to others experiencing similar feelings. It can be difficult for those who haven’t experienced it to know just how relentless those feelings of depression and hopelessness can be. You are not alone in experiencing these thoughts and feelings – many of our lovely community members here are able to relate and we are all here for you.

Please know that you can reach out to one of the Beyond Blue counsellors at any time on 1300 22 4636, or you can use our webchat here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/  

Another option is to call Lifeline for crisis support, available 24/7 on 13 11 14, or online: https://www.lifeline.org.au/.  If there’s ever an immediate risk of harm, the number to call is 000 (triple zero).

Thank you once again for posting here (and please don’t feel bad about posting in the wrong section – it happens all the time! We’ve moved it to the appropriate now). We are here for you 24/7.
 
Kind regards
Sophie M

[indigo22]

Hi Scared,

Welcome, so glad you decided to reach out.

I have been where you are and it is a very lonely place to be.

I am in my 60s also and have been dealing with dysthymia and major depression since my early teens.

It is true that many just don't understand what depression is like and try as they may, will never know how to support you.

There are many here that have been where you are, or are still there, so you are not alone here.

I also reached that point and was stopped. In truth, I don't think any of us truly want to take that path, just want the debilitating pain and anguish to stop.

Do you currently have anyone to talk to about how you are feeling? A family member or a counsellor? As Sophie advised, make sure you reach out to a helpline when you need to, it does help when you are at your lowest, even just to hear another voice.

Would you like to expand a little on some of things you have already tried? I would prefer not to make suggestions that haven't worked for you.

We do understand and we are here for you so please continue this conversation if you are comfortable doing so.

Take care,

indigo

[Croix]

Dear Scared~

I'd like to join Sophie and Indigo in welcoming you here.  This is a place where you find others who too have felt their life has shrunk down to a few hopeless thoughts wiht no way out except to take one's life.

I have those episodes and have actually tried to take my life more than one, and been hospitalized too. You are right in that treatments -of any sort - is not always effective.

Depression is an insidious thing, and is very good at planing false thoughts in the mind -or so I have found looking back. At the time I thought they were my thoughts, and full of hopelessness and unhappiness and lack of self-worth.

I'm not trying to suggest in any way htat you are not deeply suffering, or seem at the end of your tether. What I can suggest that the identical set of circumstances sometimes seem horrible, other times tolerable, the only difference being my capacity to cope.

This capacity to handle what I face can come from therapy and medication if one is lucky, however there are things I found on can do for oneself. See if at the end of every day there is one thing you enjoy or have enjoyed in the past. It does not have to be big, a fruit pie, a favorite book, a TV show, a walk outside, talking wiht a friend abut lighter topics.

Now you are different from me and will have your own tastes. If you have forgotten try to get a friend to help you remember. To have something to look forward ot each day makes a difference, and I found over time this self-reward made me happier, someone who deserved a reward.

You may not be able to hold down a regular job, however again I found a sense of purpose gives a reason for each day. One of mine is to post here and talk with others such as yourself. If you cast your mind around you may be able to find a purpose too. Once again it does not have to be huge, but just enough to make you realize you have things to offer -which you do.

Your time was not wasted in the Young Peoples' Section. You might be surprised how many relate.

Living in a windowless room can be hard, I find the walls seem to be reminders of past unpleasant feelings and experiences. Is there any way you can make it different? Paint, posters, pictures or whatever takes your fancy. Just so it appears different, not same old same old.

There have been times I thought there was no hope and no point, I was a mess. If I can reach the stage where I would not willingly give up life maybe you can too

Talk here as much as you like, it will be understood

Croix

[Scared]

To those kind people who responded I love you for that

I had a girlfriend and she was the only light I had

I knew I was clinging to her for dear life as my life has become so bleak. She now doesnt call as much and I feel so needy .

All the small changes in her add up to Im not as important to her as I once was.

I dont think I can handle anymore grief at this point without something going terribly wrong in my head.

She is in Thailand and we had this friendship 8 years now and Im so afraid she is leaving my life.

My life is so empty already but I try to be upbeat when she does call.

She doesnt understand mental illness. She once said she cant afford to worry about me because she will get sick from worry. Im scared to suicide and scared to live.

My Thai friend seems to be getting sick of my calls and I want to try to stop calling.  I have become so weak in my will. I go a day without calling and she calls and I answer.  Im now playing games trying to get her to miss me and thats not who I am or ever was. Thank you all for listening to me I appreciate you so much sincerely

[indigo22]

Hi again,

This is a great place to find new connections with people who totally get it. Even though this is online communication, it does build your self esteem communicating with the community here, because everyone is kind and there is no judgement. Perhaps you can make it a part of your day to see what conversations are of interest to you and join in when you feel inclined to.

I have been through many difficult challenges and I wanted to use my experience to help others. I stumbled on the forums one day and realised this was a perfect place to be able to that, I didn't want everything I have been through to be for nothing. Perhaps your experiences could help others also and at the same time could help you feel a little better.

Further to Croix's suggestions, you could find a poster of a window that looks out onto beautiful scenery of your liking, then frame and hang it in the perfect spot. Not quite the same as having a real window, but you get to choose what the scene is. I have also seen some beautiful nature scenes purposely made for your fridge/freezer that are self adhesive. I know it is only a small thing, but having beautiful things to look at in your surroundings could make you feel a little better.

For some, connecting with nature gives them a feeling of peace, having some plants could be a good start.

Others find having an animal helps, they give so much unconditional love and love to keep you company. Perhaps this is something you could also consider.

You are every bit as important as anyone else on the planet, believing any less is a disservice to yourself. Despite whatever your challenges have been, you are still here, so I believe you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Yes, life can definitely be brutal at times, but there is also something to learn from those challenges you have been through.

If you like to read, there are many books available to help with understanding mental illness better and may help you become wiser about how you became overwhelmed and how you can change your perspective on some things in the future. We can make some recommendations if you are interested.

I hope you are feeling a little less alone today.

Thinking of you,

indigo

[Scared]

I have tried meditation and I go for walk in sun

Im taking my meds and live cleanly

Im missing my girl too much today

I blocked her number thinking it will help me. Im in a dark place already and not able to deal with a relationship breakdown ontop of the pain Im already in. 
I keep having a recurring vision to walk into the outback and not come back.

I dream this day and in my sleep as well.

I am heading for a breakdown as the hurt is becoming too much to hold.

I dont do drugs but I see clearly why others need to and kill the pain

[indigo22]

Would it help to tell me about some of the things that have led you to this dark place?

I know what you mean about taking drugs, I never did either, but it is an escape just like alcohol and many other things. I know the feeling of being so full of pain that the thought of any more would break the camels back.

The camels back did break for me and I was in a dark hole for a long time and it is so hard to see how the future could be any different when you are that deep in the fog.

If you would like to know more about who I am, here is the link to my first post on the forums. It was written after I had recovered somewhat from all that had happened.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/welcome-and-orientation/new-to-the-forums/td-p/566648

There is reason to still have hope that you will get on top of the way you are feeling at the moment, even if it doesn't seem like it right now.

Sending you strength to get you through the day,

indigo 💞

[Scared]

Thx Croix

I had a purpose and that was my girl

For years I was in homeless situations and I always had her to talk to and also got great purpose in helping her when I could. Now she seems to be not needing me as much anymore and Im sick in my gut as I dont know any other way to live without her as my purpose.

My life has no purpose but to only feel pain. I should have seen this coming but I didnt   I thought she would always be there. I have known no other thing for 8 years but survival and taking care of her emotional well being. Now i nothing left and Im a bit angry at that. Nothing to show for it and depressed again and getting sicker.  At 61 years im not starting again   Sydney has nowhere for me to even live   Im live in some dirty illegal boarding house where if fire broke out we are all burnt alive.  Im not afraid of death , in fact I welcome it but not burnt alive.  I dont want to live anymore and I do mean that.   Only so much hardship a person can take.  Even the paraolympians seem to be mocking me with their achievements.  Good on them but I cant do what they do with years of depression