Frightened

[Scared]

Hi Im 61   Im beyond tired of doctors and dealing with people who dont have depression. I live in a windowless room slowly going under. I want to go out onto the street and call out help me please

Im so afraid if I look to deep at my reality I wont be able to handle it.

I had depression and anxiety for years , been hospitalised and all the usual ups and downs.  But this time is different like I dodged too many bullets and this time I wont get out of this living hell. So only suicide is left. I mean I really cant see things changing. I was desperate to stop this downhill spiral that I thought if I get a job that will save me. But now Im too sick to go to work and the new employer doesnt understand where I am and why. I now getting anxiety about that

I feel like screaming help or at least please understand me. I feel I can only relate to others with depression

[Croix]

Dear Scared~

Why, thank you, asking after Indigo and myself is a lovely thing to do -and does not happen all that often. I guess now you are seeing us as real people rather than just words printed on a screen.

I can't answer for Indigo but I'm ok, I have a lot of issues common in old age, but that does not prevent me from talking with people here.

Please don't be too hard on the lady from Wesley, doing 'duty of care' can be inspired by genuine care. Not understanding how important it is to work is sort of predictable. It is very important indeed.

I remember being invalided out of my job and had nothing as a result, no worth, no identity, all pointless - or so it seemed to me at the time. Then I did get another occupation, just by chance,  and it has made a world of difference. I'm not the same person.

Work does not have to be full or even part time, some are just when you feel like it.

Although it may be hard do you think it is time to give that girlfriend space? Being blocked, or dismissed hurts, so why not let it go for now? I realise she has been the center of your life, however you may find another, person or interest/job.

Croix

[Scared]

Yes I am giving her space

I stopped texting and calling her

I now wait for her to call 

[Scared]

A very serious question

This acute care team are coming and I dont want them here

There going to ask me about my mention of exiting and all that is true .

My problem is and always has been that I feel I have to defend this ideology as though Im insane or greatly disturbed to be thinking it.

Is it that hard to imagine a pain so great that it needs to end no matter what?

Im dreading this meeting.

Why is it ok for me to live like this when I know most people couldnt handle it.

My friend Anne visit me and after she was crying at where I must live.

Im not being smart ass here I genuinely dont see what others see in anti exiting.

I cant handle cockroaches crawling through utensils, dark room without light people living and sleeping in dining room and my room filled with heavy cooking smoke from all the different cultures squatting here.  On top of that my mental health and feeling like my girlfriend not around as much anymore.

I really dont understand any of this.

Ask me not why Im getting worse but why I wouldnt. 
Im afraid Acute care team wont see it and try to bandaid my problem.

Im really so afraid all time and it just wont stop for to give me a rest.

All I want is a day off from this so I can regroup or get some strength back

[indigo22]

Dear Scared,

I understand your fears about meeting with the Acute Team but they would have experience with those who have ideation. How will anything change for you if you don't allow some intervention? Why not wait and see what they can offer you in the way of support. You do need support and you deserve better than living this way.

It is totally understandable that you would be getting worse given your current situation and I really do feel for you and care about your welfare.

Are you getting help through Centrelink?

Could you perhaps move away from the city where there may be more of a chance for decent accommodation?

I don't think it's so much a matter of anti exiting as it is seeing that if some things were to change, you may not feel that way constantly. You are doing life really hard right now and I understand that there seems to be no end to what you are going through and the thought of that would be frightening to anyone. It is also frightening when you find yourself alone with no safe place to fall. I felt that way after I lost my family and some close friends and had no partner or children. My niece and nephew are my family now and a few friends that I know would be there if I really needed them but they also don't have experience with depression, which is why it was a relief when I joined the forums because people finally understood without needing to explain. I also don't want you to exit while there are still options available to improve your life, but you need to allow some intervention to make that happen, as frightening as that may be for you.

You have been wanting help so please allow them to help you.

There is nothing to lose but there may be much to gain as a result.

You will be in my thoughts and sending you some extra strength to get through your fears.

indigo

[Croix]

Dear Scared~

I can see why you are not looking forward to the Acute Care Team arriving. Can I suggest you do not try to argue philosophy with them, they will in all probability have a very fixed view on life. Instead see what opportunities in which they can improve your current lot in life.

A better place to live, people to talk with that understand, a purpose you think worth while and enjoy. True these are not the basic functions of the ACT however with persuasion they may set some of the wheels in motion.

Suppose, from your point of view the worst 'bandaid' happens, you are hospitalized. I have found it unpleasant but the distance from ordinary life has been a blessing. A respite.

I remeber looking down though a partly opened  window fixed that way (we were several floors up and this is where the smokers were allowed.) and seeing a forecourt wiht grass, trees and shrubs. Birds flew from one to another, a refreshing sight after an all-human environment. I could see the road and shops, foreshortened tiny people bustling about their lives and thought how well out of it I was.

I did come out with more ability to cope.

I wish you good luck with them and a sensible team leader

Croix

[Scared]

I been reading many stories in grief and loss section and I feel for these people

I can clearly understand where many are at. Actually I cant feel anything but my own pain but I empathise through understanding.  Acute care team said this is normal with depression but for me it doesnt mean I dont care because I do.

I have answered some posts and I told Acute care team Im doing it for self serving reasons to help take my pain away.  I dont think this is a genuine way of living and these people deserve alot better.  But after reading so much I dont understand why I cant show support to myself like I want to show others grieving etc. In fact some stories are so heavy I cant say anything to them so I leave it alone.  Acute care team want to have my meds reviewed .   Im reluctant because of the side affects I go through are unknown.   If I get sick with new meds I have no one to help me and I will lay in bed sick.  I now at least can see what chance have I got living here.  Im sure if I die here it will only inconvience others and landlord.  Why is my stomach always in knots or heavy feeling all day.  I need to stop reading other stories for now as I find them not healthy for me reading about immense pain.   If I could find one thing to relieve this pain I would gladly take it.  I go to park and pain still there. I go for walk it still there.  It follows me like a shadow.  

[indigo22]

Dear Scared,

You may only be able to feel your own pain at the moment, but to reach out to others at this time makes it clear to me that you care, empathise and understand others pain. That is a major part of who you are, you care about others pain despite your own pain and reach out to them. It is a rare quality in todays world.

Giving care and support to ourselves is hard for many who have depression, there is a voice inside (known as our inner critic) that tells us we don't deserve to give ourselves compassion, that judges us for all our perceived failings.

I don't know about you, but I was never taught to love myself, only others, and I still struggle with that.

The truth is that we should all be taught to love ourselves first so we can then pour that love out to others. Taught by example, seeing our care givers giving the same amount of care to themselves as they give to us when we are little. That's how we learn in those first years of our life. But instead we spend a lifetime thinking we are not enough, not good enough, not worthy enough, etc. As a result our self esteem and self worth become almost non existent.

A few months ago I had a somatic work session with my therapist and what came up from the depths of my being was that 'I don't believe I deserve to be helped'. That belief has been dwelling inside of me for so long, I was not even aware of it. Those are the types of beliefs that cause illness in our physical body because those false beliefs are trapped deep inside.

When I first reached out to get some help many years ago, I was given a list of Social Workers I could contact. I made an appointment with a Social Worker but she never showed up for the appointment and I was left standing on the sidewalk with no explanation. What I said to myself was "see, no one cares about what you are going through, no one is going to help you". I don't know really what drove me to it, probably desperation, but I tried one more name on the list and told her what had happened, her response was "If you are willing to make an appointment with me, I promise you I will be there". She was, and continued to be there for the next 10 years while I was going through the worst years of my life. My time with her helped me to build a healthier self worth and set boundaries for myself, it helped me to feel less hopeless. She helped me to understand that what I had been dealing with all my life was depression, I had no idea that was what was wrong, I thought I was just born that way.

We are never born with depression, low self worth/self esteem, our experiences in life, viewed through a distorted lens, is what takes us down into the dark hole and once there, it becomes much harder to see anything clearly.

Are you willing to give us a little more information on how things went with the Acute Team?

I am so proud of you for finding the courage to let them help. A review of your meds may turn out to be a good thing, I know there are sometimes side effects and they can be very unpleasant. If that is the case, be sure to let them know so they can try something else. It took 3 tries before they found something that worked for me and the side effects are fairly minimal. 

Thinking of you,

indigo

[Scared]

My mom used to frown upon me for saying I like myself

To mom it was not a good thing to like oneself

Yes I do feel worthy of help but do find it hard to accept at times

 Im angry today about my situation and the years of homelessness instability and illness is coming up now

The acute care team diagnosed depression but I already know that. 
The only thing they said was they get me appt to have my meds reviewed.

I wasnt expecting much and wasnt disappointed.  I been thru all the hopes of this med will be the one or this counsellor will be the one only for to be back here in depression.  So I dont get excited anymore.

My girl called to tell me she misses me and I had to pretend to be upbeat.

Even she cant lift my mood as Im getting worse.  My new thing is to say " why would I be getting better living here"

My mother was very low in her self esteem but I caught on that she was damaging me greatly so I did alot to boost my own esteem thru reading many self help books as i could.

I cry often about sad things but I also cry at happy things in movies for eg. Yet I feel dead inside so I dont understand that.  Im angry today at something I saw on tv last night and its bothering me so I posted that today.  Wrong or right its how I feel. 
Thx as always talking me

[indigo22]

Dear Scared,

It's interesting that we both had care givers that didn't encourage self love, I would imagine the majority of members here would say the same. It is one of the things that give us a distorted view of life I think.

I read your reply last night in my first post thread, for some reason I did not get a notification that you had left a reply. That feeling you were talking about in feeling protective of me, is the same as what I am feeling for you.

I realised a long time ago that my sister only cared about herself, we had a phone conversation one day many years ago where I was doing my best to smooth over a rift between her and mum. She was just screaming at me though the phone and not allowing me to speak, after about a minute or two of that, I told her where to go and hung up the phone. I knew then that this was her mental health problem to sort out, but she will never admit that there is anything wrong with her, everyone else is to blame. I had my own mental health problems to deal with and decided to let our relationship (if you could call it that) go. She had said and done some very harmful things to me and everyone else in the family, they made me angry but I never took them on in a personal way. I suppose because I had seen it all my life, I knew it was her problem and not mine. I have no love left for her and my life is better without her in it, her energy is toxic to me. I think the only thing she would miss about me is not having someone to take her vexations out on.

You may feel you are dead inside, but what you do and say proves otherwise. I think your bright flame has diminished to an ember, but it is still there.

You mentioned in one of your posts that you have had heart problems and been diagnosed with a brain tumour. What is the situation with that side of your health, have those issues been addressed?

I have thinking about your situation and have had some ideas I would to share with you.

I am not sure how you feel about animals, but if you are fond of them, I was thinking you could check with the local animal shelters to see if they could use someone to take the dogs for a walk or to sit with the cats and give them some attention. They get so little human comfort in that environment because the employees are busy doing all the other jobs that need to be done.

If animals are not your thing, perhaps you could volunteer some time at one of the local hospitals, talking with patients who don't get any visitors because they are also alone in the world. The nurses would know who could use a chat and I am sure they would be grateful for the help.

I have mentioned this before, but I feel it is worth a second mention. Could you consider moving away from the city to an area that has more opportunities for decent accommodation. I am sure that alone would make a difference to how you feel.

I am interested in your thoughts on these ideas.

Thinking of you,

indigo

[Croix]

Dear Scared~

I'd like to say a couple of things to you,  the first being that trying new meds is a pain, tailing off one then working up with the next, enduring unpleasant or dangerous effects when they are not at full strenght, the often more when thay are.

It took me a very log time to find the perfect combination (I have, as I've probably said, PTSD, bouts of depression and ongoing anxiety). It was worth it, my life is a very different one now and I most certainly would not want to give it up. Mind you if I'd been told I'd reach this state previously I'd simply have dismissed it as well meaning waffle. But here I am.

The other is I've read your posts to others, young and older. It is unusual for me to hit the '"Like" button, however I've done so with a couple of yours because the show not only understanding of the person's condition, but also -and this is not something everyone can do -you seem to know what they need to hear.

Most impressive.

You did say a few posts ago " Actually I cant feel anything but my own pain" when reading of others. I'd disagree, depression can hide  one's feelings from you (I should know) but the feelings are still there and simply is displayed in your posts.

Alone in your windowless room worrying about what the Acute Care Team will have happen you are doing others actual good.

If you would take a tip from me about new meds I'd suggest kep a daily diary recording drug, dosage, time of day taken and the effects and side effects. Over time this can be very helpful in taking charge of what you are prescribed.

Croix