First time ECT by scrabbling

[Scrabbling]

Hi to all especially mmMeKitty, the  Pages here have  changed and I can no longer find our thread and I haven't got the tolerance to spend  hours on my phone, so I hope you see this.  as I said before the roller coaster has been at Full Speed and it finally came into the station which  is Ward and I had to make a decision. I cannot keep going the way I am and  the doctors have mentioned a few times in the last 6 months about ECT to be honest it absolutely bloody terrified me, I know we shouldn't assume but I think everyone  has seen One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!!! certainly didn't help people's perception. I have been drowning for a long time it's been like walking in a thick fog I was desensitized totally to life and unbearably sad and just wanted it all to stop, the staff here on ward have been fantastic and I had my first ECT yesterday I will be honest it wasn't a perfect run, my anxiety exploded as I am awful to cannulate at the best at times but when I'm stressed my veins disappear, so I think I was a bit like "when you give a pill to a cat" and you retrieve it off the curtains and off the back of the couch and from under the bed !!!! that was me, the staff were very patient and finally they managed to get a vein, I woke up with a minor headache and a little bit of shoulder blade soreness none that really wasn't sorted with some Panadol, I did have a sore neck later that night again that went away with just the hot shower, I can't speak for everybody and possibly may even sound stupid but after the treatment I had a snooze for a few hours and  I did feel clearer and even if it was  briefly a spark (excuse the pun) the old me made a breif appearance, yes the sadness came back in the afternoon and I'm sure I will be having a few more treatments but I had nearly forgotten the old me. So will see how things pan out,

[mmMekitty]

Hi Helen, 'battler' if ever there was, & you sure do seem to have a doosey. I'm so sorry it's been so hard, going round & round, back & forth, seeming to get nowhere. All those meds - I'd want to understand what each is for & any might be interacting with another in ways not helpful. I hope you are able to sit & ask someone to go through that with you. I admit, I'd be fearful of putting so much into me every day. 

& you still have surgery. It's so tough, going through that & the recovery after. Dare I suggest that could be something to focus your attention on, like a distraction from all the thoughts, feelings/moods, where you are even.

I'm not sure I can actually imagine the extreme moods, the intensity of the thoughts, & how hard it is  to cope with these. All I know, is during my own struggles, I did find, when I could take a breath & stop for a moment & deliberately get up, go & do something, I may have mentioned, I did a lot of writing, then painting. Drawing could be good too. Or singing - I still do that (not well, but that is not the purpose), when some feeling needs expression & I'm struggling. Sometimes, not that, because my feelings have been too strong. At those times I do something else, as a distraction. I don't know what's available to you there. I'd suggest something that you have to concentrate on, something using your hands, or body, obviously within your physical limitations. Any ideas?

I will continue to be here, listening, talking as we are able. 😺With gentle hugs, if you want.

❤️💖s

mmMekitty

[Scrabbling]

Just so so tired. I'm still coming to terms with my friend who is no longer with us. Even the royal commission  has brought to light how many of my friends  who are no longer with us, seems to be a good way out and to stop the pain and the constant  battle  of not really  wanting  to fight any more. I cannot  remember  the last time I heartily  laughed  and I feel so false anyway calling it a night. Taken my prescribed  tablets so will be asleep soon. I'm safe when I'm asleep.  Thanks to all the caring people who make this a safe platform  to vent.

[mmMekitty]

Dear Helen,

so much pain, so much loss, so many to grieve for, it hurts my heart, too.

I've fought through my own past, too, nothing as horendous as yours, I'm sure, still, sleep was so good, & I had wanted to stop, & somehow couldn't. Maybe it's something in us? I don't know. 

All I know is we are here now, 2022.

I never imagined being as old as I am now. Didn't seem possible, not really.

The pain of my past is still with me, just more managable, I've learned so much, things I'm not sure how to describe, but I have learned I can live with it. I can have my emotions, the awful ones too, & cry, as I do for the loss of so many to the cruel inhumane mistreatment they have had to suffer. I haven't understood how people can abuse children... in a way I don't want to; I don't want that to make sense in any way whatsoever. I had a chance to ask my brother, & his answer is meaningless to me. Now I don't want to give him the more than a moment's thought.

If I could take it all away for you, I would. But I can't do that. I can only tell you, I'm sorry for everything that was done to you & your friends. None of that should ever have been done to you. If that makes you feel very angry that it did - I'm with you.

I don't want you to lose sight of the fact you are a survivor. You are so strong, ..

Would you mind telling me why you agreed to be involved witih the Royal Commission? Is that still true?

& finally, because you are so tired, is it possible to let people there look after you? 

I don't want to stop here, wanting to just sit & talk to you, about anything or nothing.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty 

[Scrabbling]

Still here but going backwards.  Just so many tears  for so many different  reasons.  I signed up for the royal  commission  ( I stupidly  didn't  need the extra stress) but I'm always  a fighter for the under dog. As kids we didn't  have a voice and couldn't  prevent  the clergy picking through us like a box of apples and the pain of the beatings. I had forgotten  so much but it has been awakened. And sadly  so many are no longer with us. I thought I was strong but I have lost nearly  everything  that was important.  My job. My ponies. My CFA abilities.  There doesn't  seem to really  be anything  thing left to hang around  for. The rollercoaster  is out of control.  I thought with all the tablets and ECT I should be bouncing  with happiness  but I just canot  shake the blues. I've got a shrink appointment  on Thursday  so that should be interesting.  Anyway calling  it a night . Safe when I'm asleep. 

[mmMekitty]

Hi Helen,

Fighting for the underdog, raising your voice for people like you, who didn’t have a voice, these things tell me you have compassion, for others & for yourself, which, to my mind, is a great strength.

That rollercoaster is bound to slow down & the bumps will begin to even out again. I think that’s just how it is; the current momentum cannot be maintained, & it takes less effort to slow down, so it only seems natural that the intensity of your memories, thoughts & feelings will settle.

I’d also encourage you to enjoy any part of the day when you are not fully immersed in these memories, the thoughts & feelings about them. Grab these moments & relish them.

I’m just thinking, as much as noise from my neighbours annoys me, their noise also takes me out of any distressing memory or thoughts & those overwhelming feelings & has me focused on that ****ing noise, if only for a few minutes - better than having no break from that stuff coming up. I have much more ‘here & now’ these days. & there are thing about my life & health that make me wish I had somewhere else again to take my attention to now. Heh, life, I guess, being human, etcetera.

Another thing I decided, I was going to get through all this because I don’t want them to win: they don’t deserve nor have the right to finish me off, not then, not now, not ever. Then get stubborn, & push on.

Hope that helps you feel your strength, & remember, what little you find, you can build on.

Warmliest,

❤️❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty

[Scrabbling]

Thank you for your support I'm being selfish  when you have your own demons to deal with, totally stressing  about my shrink appointment  tomorrow, I've been trying and succeeding  in pretending  to be happy yet I'm falling apart.my friends sucides  are weighing  heavily  as I can see the pain they leave behind but it also takes their pain away. Your put your cat or dog down when they can't be fixed so why cannot  you do it for humans? My thoughts are getting  darker but I'm trying to get through  till at least tomorrow  and see what my shrink has to say, glad I don't have your neighbours  as I love my quiet time.

[mmMekitty]

Pleae Helen, you say you are being selfish like it's a bad thing. NO, never, not when you have troubles & need support yourself. I came here when I needed some support, & I've had found generously supportive people here. Often they say it helps them to help others. I often feel the same, although I also feel unable to do enough, & wish I could do more. I recognised it helps me to talk to someone outside myself like I would have liked someone to talk to me, when I had no one. I feel now, I'm healing some damage within by talking to people here.

I ask myself, if Iwere you, what would I want to hear, what do I need to hear? I'm never sure I get it right, except I know for damn sure, I would not want to be ignored, unheard & unanswered. I'm hoping my words, via this website, (as inadequate as it seems to me), at least give you the sense of being less alone, & at best, feeling as if I am there, right beside you, in the dark places, with you.

Let's just sit with this idea a while.

❤️

[Scrabbling]

1. Hi to my wonderful regular support  people.  Just for a change it's nice to say I've  actually  smiled  and returned  to my quick witted  self even though  it was shortly  lived,  it was nice to get outside  in the sun and hop up and down with the lawnmower  I felt like I achieved  something, mood sinking back down at night but I will take any win at the moment. Due for my knee replacement  in a couple  of weeks which is going  to be tough  as my ankle surgery  is still recovering.  I would like dearly  to put it off but need to do it so I can drop my insurance  back to a pair of glasses  a year. As I'm not working  it will be a hugh saving  in my budget.  Starting  to sleep a bit better which  so it should  with  all the medication , anyway it's nice to post something  of a win even if it's small. Thanks  for being there it means the world .

[mmMekitty]

Good morningHelen. You put a smile on my face with the image of hopping up & down with the lawn mower. These are the moments to treasure, to actively notice & recall.

Some of the writing exercises I have include focusing on the moment & writing about it, ensuring we include all of our senses, include the finest detail, too. I find these exercises help to consolidate the memory of an event, place, brief moments (such as you have had).

You don't actually have to write anything down just go through it in your mind, noting everything about it, all the feelings, sounds, sights, smells, physical sensations, anything you could taste or touch.

Do you think you'd like to try this for yourself? You can make your first try as small as the smile on your face, & this could be the beginning into the entire scene.

The first time I did this was at the writers' workshop, & we were asked to focus on how we felt in the moment, where we were, sitting in the moment of writing.

As I recall, it was a hot day, & I used to wear stocking socks in summer, & they were itchy, so I wrote that. & I had a piece of my green capsicum I was munching, in my left hand, & wrote about how that felt & comparing the coolness of that with the heat in the room. They enjoyed what I wrote! (I was surprised), & how I have this memory I can reach for, when I want to give myself a little smile & chuckle,about my crunchy capsicum, stocking socks, which some admitted,they would not have included because it might feel silly to include. I took the instructions literally, & included whatever came immediately to my mind.

I'd enjoy if you would try, if you can write & 'take me there', show me what you experienced out there in the sun, hopping up & down, because it's really nice to get away from the dark places.

Before you reduce the health insurance, think about the rehabilitation your knee will need post-surgery. No doubt some physio will be involved. I don't know what else.

My best, always,

with ❤️

mmMekitty

[Scrabbling]

Is there really such a time that you admit you are beaten and it's just not worth fighting anymore. I was due for surgery last week but I became unwell with an infection in my leg unfortunately it took off like wildfire the infection has gone into all the plates and screws from my previous surgery. I had an emergency op to save my foot yesterday unfortunately the infection is still very active, and I have to go back to theatre  tomorrow? one lot of Surgeons want to dismantle the whole foot which  literally  wont leave  me a leg to stand on , the other surgeon is trying to clean out the infection I just can't seem to cut a break, this is just been the final straw unfortunately my mental health has been brought up so not only do I have to deal with all the pain of the surgeries but I've got all the nursing staff looking at me sideways  obviously I can't do anything while I'm here but I have to admit this is just been the final straw you put your cat and dog down when there's no quality of life so why can't you do it to a person.