I’m so very conflicted. I’ve been fighting with myself for some time now. I get so very torn between fighting for myself, my wellness mentally and physically and being so very tired of myself I wish I wasn’t here.
I know I don’t want to die but I’m sick of feeling like this and sometimes think it would be better if I wasn’t here. Does that make sense?
I feel like such a burden. Like resources would be spent elsewhere. I feel like I’m trying so hard to get better but I’m failing. I’ve had 13 surgeries in the last two years.
I’m battling my past which has come back to haunt me when I have the least resources I’ve ever had in my life. I have so many hopes, wishes, desires... but I can’t pull myself out of this deep deep heaviness.
I am so confused, just under a year ago I was more unwell than I ever have been... I never acknowledged how unwell at the time, I was told I had about 12 weeks to live if I didn’t take certain action. Through it all I prioritized work and hardly missed a beat there but ever other element of my life suffered greatly. It’s only just hitting me now how bad things were... and how I chose to face it. How naive and ignorant I was.
