Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

[Annewithan-e]

I’m so very conflicted. I’ve been fighting with myself for some time now. I get so very torn between fighting for myself, my wellness mentally and physically and being so very tired of myself I wish I wasn’t here.

I know I don’t want to die but I’m sick of feeling like this and sometimes think it would be better if I wasn’t here. Does that make sense?

I feel like such a burden. Like resources would be spent elsewhere. I feel like I’m trying so hard to get better but I’m failing. I’ve had 13 surgeries in the last two years.

I’m battling my past which has come back to haunt me when I have the least resources I’ve ever had in my life. I have so many hopes, wishes, desires... but I can’t pull myself out of this deep deep heaviness.

I am so confused, just under a year ago I was more unwell than I ever have been... I never acknowledged how unwell at the time, I was told I had about 12 weeks to live if I didn’t take certain action. Through it all I prioritized work and hardly missed a beat there but ever other element of my life suffered greatly. It’s only just hitting me now how bad things were... and how I chose to face it. How naive and ignorant I was.

[Annewithan-e]

It’s all a mess

[smallwolf]

Hi. What time were you posting?

Sorry I missed you. You seem quite determined in your post on stopping. And perhaps messed up, I have not been there. I hope it works out for you. What strategies do you have to cope?

[Annewithan-e]

I posted when the forum was down.

Dont have the energy to rehash it all.

Im very sad. Drowning. Feel a bit hopeless really. Don’t want to die though. Just don’t want to feel so bad

[Sophie_M]

Hi  Anne(withan-e),

We are so sorry to hear you are feeling this way and sorry that you weren't able to post. Whenever you feel up to it the community will be here to listen. We are glad to hear that you are safe. If you feel that changes please reach out to 000 (triple zero) immediately. If you need any further support tonight please don't hesitate to reach out to Beyond blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14.
 

[Annewithan-e]

Yeah thanks. They’re lovely. But not helpful. I usually just feel worse.

I don’t know what to do.

it just feels like I’m never going to get better

[Sophie_M]

Hi Anne(withan-e),

Sorry to hear that. We encourage you to get some ongoing support from a psychologist if you don't already have some. You can do this through your GP, they will help you with a Mental Health Care Plan and a referral.

[Annewithan-e]

I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I’m hard work and painful. I wish it helped. I feel like such a failure

[Mk2692]

Hi Anne(withan-e),

It sounds like you are going through a tough time. Don't be sorry and it's ok to feel down sometimes. We are here to help and support you every step of the way. Whenever you are ready to talk, we will be there for you and provide you with the support you need.

[Annewithan-e]

I’m still ‘going through a tough time’.

im so sad to read back on my posts and realise that I haven’t really made any progress, I’m not doing any better. I still don’t know how to keep treading water, it’s pretty exhausting…

[smallwolf]

hello Anne,

It been a little while since i last heard from you. Sorry things dont seem to have improved for you and don't feel as though you are making progress. I wonder if you might be able to think of this time as going down into a valley ... it has to the come to an end soon and you will be on the way up again - at least that works for me.

do you want to chat about what happened?