Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

[Annewithan-e]

I’m so very conflicted. I’ve been fighting with myself for some time now. I get so very torn between fighting for myself, my wellness mentally and physically and being so very tired of myself I wish I wasn’t here.

I know I don’t want to die but I’m sick of feeling like this and sometimes think it would be better if I wasn’t here. Does that make sense?

I feel like such a burden. Like resources would be spent elsewhere. I feel like I’m trying so hard to get better but I’m failing. I’ve had 13 surgeries in the last two years.

I’m battling my past which has come back to haunt me when I have the least resources I’ve ever had in my life. I have so many hopes, wishes, desires... but I can’t pull myself out of this deep deep heaviness.

I am so confused, just under a year ago I was more unwell than I ever have been... I never acknowledged how unwell at the time, I was told I had about 12 weeks to live if I didn’t take certain action. Through it all I prioritized work and hardly missed a beat there but ever other element of my life suffered greatly. It’s only just hitting me now how bad things were... and how I chose to face it. How naive and ignorant I was.

[Annewithan-e]

Thanks for checking in, I guess a lot has happened but not much.
I feel like I’m not allowed to talk about how bad I really feel, that it’s unacceptable to be so broken, like I’m censoring myself or being censored all the time.
I’m too scared to talk openly about what brings me here.
I feel like no one wants to know what it’s really like, you’re just meant to project that your happy and together.

[Guest_1643]

Hello,

Ur here and Ur writing

In my lowest I couldn't do that

I see progress in u, Ur voice is clear and honest.

[CaramelCrisp]

I relate to that feeling, Anne. Feeling like I shouldn't talk about it, closing myself off more every day. I think a lot of people must feel that way, you're definitely not alone in that feeling.

And I just want to say that people will care. I just got here and I want to hear what you want to say. And others do too.

Like sleepy says, you are here and you are trying. Even if all the words you want aren't coming, you are trying. And I think thats good. Will be thinking about you, Anna

[Annewithan-e]

Some of it is the confusion over my constantly conflicting feelings and wants. Like my opening post in Thai thread… Feeling like I want to fight to be okay vs not wanting to face anything and giving up.

it seems like everything is a double bind or a no-win situation.

if I talk about things I feel I’m weak, or overdramatizing. If I don’t I’m not helping myself and staying in my own mess, and not helping others.

I am so stuck. It’s easier to keep it all in and pretend it didn’t happen.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Anne,

We are grateful as always that you have remained engaged with us! It can be very hard to open up sometimes, especially when we have been made to feel 'too much' in the past. and feeling like we are communicating with clarity can be a real challenge when that is what we believe.

Let me assure you, chipping away at these obstacles a word at a time is the best path to healing in a lot of situations, and remembering asking of viewpoints from others (which you are doing so well here!) gives us new opportunities to pull the knots undone!

Please remember you can reach out to our team anytime, and we have webchat if that makes getting your thoughts out easier!

Thank you for your bravery, as always!

Sophie M

[smallwolf]

You said you feel weak for talking about what bothers you. I wonder how you would feel If a friend spoke to you about what bothered them?

I will, like you, feel weak for lack of a better word. Yet after a conversation I generally feel better (relatively speaking). Brene Brown said that being vulnerable takes courage. It doesn't make it easier. At least this is what I think.

At the samE time, you were being open which is being vulnerable.

If I had a question... What things bother you? And what coping strategies do you have?

[Annewithan-e]

I feel like I’m not strong enough to handle it if I speak. That I’m looking for sympathy, or using it as an excuse.
I’m also scared to lose control of it, or to have other people question me, my truth, my motives…

my coping mechanisms aren’t good ones, denial, being busy, overcompensate/work harder/be better.

id rather forget everything but my mind won’t let me ignore it…

[_teve68_]

Hi, I have just started here and I hope you are OK. What you are saying is like you are in my head, except the surgery bit, I too am unwell but they just keep scanning me over and over again. I have several auto-immune diseases but besides that the start of your thread is my life too. Then I read your reply and again a mirror of my thoughts my first post was just venting with no back story, but I think that's ok. I'm going to just say what's in my head and I hope this helps me. It might help you too?

[Annewithan-e]

Hope you’re doing okay Steve x

[smallwolf]

hey. long time, no hear from you.

you said or you feel that your coping mechanisms are not very good.

it can take time.

but if you want to try and look at something else, have a look at virtual hope box and relax melodies. they each have different functions and both work looking at.

if you want to talk about how you currently manage, i will listen...