feeling doomed

[charcoal]

hi im a recent high school graduate and i got into uni recently but im really not doing well

i just hate uni so so so so much 

i was already stressed before attending but since attending i've spent every day feeling extremely miserable. i've barely felt any happiness and i spend most of my time either breaking down into tears or trying to stop myself from crying so that i can focus on catching up on the hours of work that i already missed . but being depressed only makes it worse because i can't focus which makes me even more depressed because i spend hours sitting at my desk trying to get myself to work but i just don't and i watch as the work just keeps piling up and the clock turns by 

i know it probably sounds silly to want to end my life over school but i feel like my back is pressed against a wall and that ill be unhappy for the rest of my life. i feel so hopeless and doomed because i can only foresee misery and unemployment and student debt in my future and i feel like i wasnt built to be alive. i feel like my 12 year old self... or even my 14 year old self was vindicated when i counted on dying before i graduated because i knew i wouldn't make it in the "real world".

i feel so jealous seeing my friends enjoy their uni course or working hard doing what they've set out to do. i hate my uni course so much but i don't know what to change to because there's nothing i'm really passionate about or think that i could do in or make a decent income in and i don't want to drop out because i feel like ill be even more unemployable . but i feel so deeply miserable 

if it's ok, i hope someone can give some advice please 

sorry if this was incoherent and thank you for reading

[Croix]

Dear Charcoal~

Welcome here to the Forum, where if you look around you will find others in similar circumstances and how they coped.

At the moment you are pushing yourself far to hard to do something which right now  you are simply not capable of. 

When you were younger you felt there was something wrong and did not expect to live -yet you have passed school and done well enough to get into uni - you managed, but now you are not.

The way you look at your work pile up, feel incapable of doing it, and at the same time believe it is absolutely essential (it is not) reminds me of myslef trying to work when my depression and anxiety conditions were at their worst. I simply could not do it and felt despair as a result.

There seemed nothing I could do to make things better but take my life, however I eventually was persuaded to seek medical help, which is when I was diagnosed. Relief from work, therapy and medication made a huge difference and I no longer felt suicidal with no way out.

You do not need to force yourself at the moment any more than I did, it simply makes matters worse and all hope disappears. I am now in a good and capable place and I'm sure you can be too.

I'd suggest after you have seen a doctor and been diagnosed, get a medical certificate or note and show it to the uni councilors to see if you can withdraw wihtout penalty. Do tell hte doctor all, how you feel, all hte tears, misery, despair and suicidal thoughts.

If you suddenly become overwhelmed ring 000 or Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the Kids Help Line on 1800 55 1800, they are pretty good, understand and do help

Yes I know just how hard it can be to say all those things, but it needs to be done so you can be relieved of them all. If you hide any then you will not be treated fully. What you say to your doctor is confidential and will not tell your family if you say not.

Then just rest, do things that make you happy or fulfilled for now. 

May I ask if you have anyone, family or friend, to support you, someone you can talk with  who does not have to fix things, just care?

You know you are always welcome here

Croix

[charcoal]

thank you so much 😞 

i'm glad you're in a better place now !

if i may ask what do you mean by diagnosis? i'm not sure what i would even be diagnosed with if i go to the doctor... i hope this is not too TMI but if it's about the suicidal thoughts it's always been kind of my coping mechanism since i was about 12-ish so even if that's a red flag for depression or something i don't really know if it even means anything anymore 

and yes i'm fortunate to have caring friends who i can talk to 😢 they have been very supportive 🙂

thank you again for your kind words 💗

[Croix]

Dear Charcoal~

Can I suggest that you do go and get some sort of interim diagnosis, there are two reasons. The first is that as you have an unhappy life where thoughts of ending it have been a sort of comfort then that life needs changing so you can be happy and do not need that coping mechanism.

If you are worried about disclosing suicidal thoughts none of the doctors I have had have pressed the panic button and  instead have tried ot get to the problems behind it. They only have to act if they beleive you are in imminent danger of harm to your self or others.

Pointing out the long time you have had these thoughts should help. Mine are now very faint but still a comfort -I do not believe they are any sort of danger and acted as a useful pointer to when things in my life became horrible.

The other reason is a communication from a medical professional can be a good lever. People will take  what you say more seriously.

I'm glad you have support, it makes such a difference

Croix