can't take it anymore

britishtvfan · ‎22-01-2023

i'm having such a hard time lately. i had some person in the uk who i thought was a good close friend of mine. there were so many red flags that i didn't see - they didn't show me what they looked like & when i politely asked them they kept making excuses like "so what if i am an old creepy man, it wouldn't make a difference?" & things like that. i get being insecure but she knew what i looked like. i knew her name & age but that's all. i started talking to her on a blogging website because we both liked rock & metal music, old british sitcoms/comedies etc. she was also a violent person as she told me she's beaten people up before in real life. & she shares what she calls "art" which is violent things of blood, people being hurt etc. i should've cut ties with her then. we had an argument because she told me she was going to be there on a certain day after christmas & then she sends me a message an hour before we talk (used to be 3am for me but then 4am because of daylight savings over there) & her message wasn't even apologetic, it was like she typed up some excuse & copied & pasted it to avoid me. i kept apologising to her & admitting my mistakes, trying to work things out for both of us. i liked talking to her because we had inside jokes, we talked about things in common, we roleplayed which i enjoyed (stuff like fanfiction, so we'd act as the characters in a show we both liked & do romance, funny stuff, drama, etc). it made me happy. she was threatening to me although she can't do anything. i'm so hurt & upset by this & i feel so stupid & regretful that i ever joined & talked to her. i can't afford therapy. idk if my meds are working. i just stay up late & sleep in late & my parents get annoyed with me, i understand why but i don't feel like doing anything like going out of the house anymore, i haven't for months, even when i was on good terms with her. she said good things about me like she doesn't want to lose me but she cut ties with me yesterday saying she wants nothing to do with me. accuses me of stuff i never said & did, calls me a narcissist, manipulative, & other hurtful things. i'm in a group online which is for mental health suffers worldwide of all ages trying to support each other in a friendly environment. but i post & they seem to get ignored, like my comments, even when i put trigger warnings. but everyone else's, even worse posts, get approved. i get they're busy. i get left on read & avoided by everyone. i wish i was never born.

britishtvfan · ‎12-02-2023

i suppose she's not thinking of my feelings in any of this, like she thinks i'm not thinking of hers. i am. i'm trying my best. i guess there's no harm in trying to see if my psychiatrist can write that note. i mean people have gone through messy divorces & forgiven each other & started fresh, which is much worse than this.

Croix · ‎12-02-2023

Dear Tayla~

mmMekitty is right, you have to make the decisions that will affect you yourself, and it's not easy. One of the things humans have to face is making choices even without the full facts, just as you are unsure of this other person's state of mind.

Conceivably your psych wring a note might help, I don't know enough ot judge. What I'd anticipate is unless things work out well you will continue to blame oyurself. You said " feel so guilty, ashamed, disgusted, everything bad, in what I've done & said" That is unfair to you and simply wrong. We can see you are trying your best

Just offering you words to lessen doubt and guilt is not very effective I'm afraid, logic does not really count where emotion is involved.

The other thing you have to deal with is waiting - something I'm not at all good at and would think you are the same. My solution is to fill my life so there are long stretches when I do not think of the thing I'm waiting for. I find it does help, as otherwise my mind would just keep on about it all the time

You did mention you had been trying to distract yourself without much success. Perhaps if you included physical movement it might be more effective. If you can get out of the house, or even change rooms, you might not have everything there reminding you of things.

I did mention Nostalgia Central as a place that lists lot of TV programs by decade. You never know, there might be something there to remind you of a part interest or going exploring.

You are going though a tough time, no matter how it goes life will get better. It's not just me saying that to cheer you up, it's osmething I found out for myself after things were pretty grim

Croix

britishtvfan · ‎13-02-2023

hi Croix.

i still walk daily, for 30+ minutes, so i have been physical. i could try being more physical, doing more things like trying to leave the house i guess, i haven't done that for months (well i have occassionally gone out of my town) even when i was on good terms with her. my sinus (i see the gp on the 14th) & insomnia affects that too.

i have checked out nostalgia central, i look at it on facebook too, & am in some groups for old british tv, heartbeat, etc. i've also been talking to people on mental health discords (they're moderated by nice people, & i have been talking to some nice people so far, but it's not the same). i've also been trying to watch videos, like angry grandma, who makes me laugh. so i have been trying.

my friend over here (who i haven't met, she's in another state) makes wax melts. she's buying oils from the USA on the 18th so we can purchase some, i've been trying to figure out which ones to get, but there's so many it's overwhelming. i still talk to that girl about AYBS & Derek over here, but it's not the same, it's still nice but yeah.

i sent an email to the telehealth company for my psychiatrist, explaining things, asking nicely. i guess we'll see if he can write a letter, i think he will because he has filled out forms for me before (that's different i know), & when i last saw a psychologist, she wanted me to send him a positive traits thing about me, which he filled out. he knows how much i'm struggling with this & i guess he wants me to be happy. i told him it could benefit her & i, not just me.

i never wanted this to get so out of hand. i came on these forums & posted about it because it's been so hard to deal with. even if i did have a psychologist, i couldn't see them all the time, & i'd still need to talk about it.

Croix · ‎13-02-2023

Dear Tayla~

I liked your last post, it sounded pretty positive in all sorts of ways. You are right that this Forum is a place you can come to anytime and talk, and talk is a natural and human need. Being isolated is the pits. I and hte others are always pleased to see you.

I'm quite sure you did not mean things to blow out of proportion and I'm hoping they will settle down. Good luck wiht your psych. It's not realy a parallel but I had to get my psychiatrist to explain to my partner why I was behaving the way I was and these were recognizable symptoms of my condition (PTSD/depression/anxiety), not something she has any hand in making. It worked very well

I've been pretty impressed with Nostalgia Central, it's been on the go for a lot of years and I've found it a useful resource on old TV programs I then look out for to buy second-hand.

What on earth is a wax melt?

Croix

britishtvfan · ‎14-02-2023

hi Croix.

a wax melt is just like a candle, so wax & fragrance oil, or you can use essential oil, but it's mostly fragrances. you put it in a wax burner (which is safer & cheaper than a candle) & you can get different moulds to make different shapes (hearts, stars, rabbits, etc). i decied not to buy any melts from my friend with the USA fragrance oil order right now, as the site has so many and it's so overwhelming, so maybe another time. they make nice wax pools as they're known as, so depending on the colour of the wax (eg blue) & if they use mica (which is a safe biodegradable glitter i believe), it looks nice & sparkly. but you can make them without colouring & mica though, although they're nice to look at with the colours. there's so many scents out there, & mixing some & creating your own & smelling them is fun i think.

with the psychiatrist, the telehealth company hasn't replied yet but i only sent it on sunday night/midnight. they don't seem to check their emails much so i sent them a message on the chat on their website although it was after hours, saying i sent an email & i need it sent to him ASAP (if i had his private email i'd send it to him but i don't because of privacy). i explained why i wanted him to do it, in a nice way. so fingers crossed i guess. nothing could get any worse & i couldn't be in any more pain than i already am.

Croix · ‎14-02-2023

Dear Tayla~

Thanks for the explanation. At times we come back from walking the dog when it's been raining and we have to put up with 'essence of wet dog' until we get cleaned up, so I'd think a wax melt would come in very handy.

Do they all come from the USA or are there local sources? I'd be stumped as to know what fragrances I liked just from descriptions, I'd have to actually smell them to know. We have used joss sticks, but they were a bit powerful and I got wheezy.

I hope it works out quickly with your psych. It's a miserable time just waiting.

I've not heard of 'Angry Grandma', I don't think it can be a TV show, is it any good?

Croix

britishtvfan · ‎15-02-2023

hi Croix. wax melts are cheap, depending who you buy from (over here I mean), & the shapes (I usually get pots, which are a good way to sample scents), or you can get clamshells (6 square cubes usually). you'd be best buying them from someone online rather than buying Scentsy (they were my introduction to them, but they use parraffin which is harmful to humans & animals apparently), & they're expensive.

so you'd be best buying them from someone who handmakes them, as they use soy wax, or coconut wax (coconut wax is softer & holds more fragrance). i'm not sure i can mention websites to wax makers here but a Google search should help. as for Angry Grandma, she's on Youtube, an American. she's hilarious.

my psychiatrist did reply, this was his response - "Dear Tayla. It is not appropriate for me to write to the online person we discussed, however I do understand why you asked. I can write a letter to you about yourself which will cover much of the info you requested. You can do whatever you wish with that letter. It will be done at the latest by Monday and sent to you. Rgds" (then his name). i have to email the telehealth company & they pass it onto him then let me know, because of privacy etc.

now, i did explain to him that i'm not trying to pressure him & i'm sorry to get him involved, aswell as the fact i also understand it's uncomfortable for him, but i explained why. i wrote back to his response saying the letter is fine & please let him know that i'm sorry for the inconvience & to get him involved. i thought him being professional, he might be able to help, on my behalf, like that. plus he does know the full story since she claims he doesn't.

i'll wait until Monday and read the letter and take it from there i guess. i don't think anything could get much worse. she can't take legal action & is just threatening & intimidating me. she's overseas, plus she doesn't know my address etc (might be one reason why he said it's innapropriate, i didn't want to ask & make him explain himself because he's still somewhat willing to help). plus she would have to give her own information & she doesn't seem to be willing to do that (her first & last name, etc). just an empty threat i guess. i couldn't be in any more pain than i already am/have been.

Croix · ‎15-02-2023

Dear Tayla~

Well I'm surprised your psych responded as well as he did, not many professionals would stretch the boundaries and help as much as that. I hope the letter will give you what you want, it may not do everything but I think you are well ahead.

I'll have to have a look on YouTube for 'angry grandma'. BTW did you like 'Father Ted'?

I'll also talk to Mrs C about wax melts, I do prefer very faint gentle perfumes, and no you were wise not to mention specific business names here as it is discouraged.

Croix

britishtvfan · ‎16-02-2023

hey Croix.

yes I'm surprised too, and thankful. I think he might mean it's inappropriate because of rules, privacy, etc. but I didn't want to ask him what he meant, I said I understand and I apologise for getting him involved and the trouble but it's much appreciated. I'm glad he understands and can see how distressed I am, and is willing to do what he can. if I was seeing a Psychologist now aswell, I might've asked them the same thing. I hope this letter atleast does something for her to forgive me although it shouldn't have gotten so out of hand like this.

I understand her feelings too but she also needs to consider mine, I'm still very hurt by her words and actions but I'm willing to try and forgive her, and I need her to do the same, then I guess or atleast I hope, that we can start fresh, try and pretend like it never happened. Maybe I could try setting boundaries too. I don't know what exactly because I've never really set boundaries with people that I can recall. I guess I'd do anything for her forgiveness and friendship again.

I guess we'll wait and see on Monday, I'm still anxious and scared though. I guess I'd better send her the screenshot of what he wrote above (the original email) to her too, otherwise she'd probably say I wrote the letter, which of course I didn't and wouldn't. Yes wax melts are lovely, cheaper than candles and safer. My friend owns a business with heaps of scents and you can get custom scents, she also sells warmers for them (the electric ones you just plug in, switch on, put the wax in the tray and it melts). I would send pictures if BB allowed that.

I've heard of Father Ted but haven't watched it yet, no. The only thing I've been watching really is Heartbeat on TV here on Wednesday nights on 7TWO at 7:30pm, although I have all of the DVDs and I'm up to series 9 episode 14. I need to watch the rest sometime, before it gets up to that on TV, haha. I sometimes watch a couple of Derek videos too, and Angry Grandma but other than that I haven't watched much. I might watch Are You Being Served again and the movie and sequel Grace And Favour at some point, I've loved that my whole life and it's a comfort show for me.

britishtvfan · ‎17-02-2023

hi all.

i'm struggling as it gets closer to monday. i'm trying to be hopeful and think that my psychiatrist will write good things on the letter i mentioned above, and that she'll change her mind and forgive me so we can be friends again and start fresh. but i'm also really scared and anxious. i understand how she feels but she needs to respect my feelings too and she's not thinking of them, how hurt and suicidal i feel, and how much i valued her and the friendship.

i've been talking to people on discord in mental health channels aswell as here and sometimes other forums but it's not the same, just like sometimes talking to people on groups for tv shows i like, like british tv groups. i miss her so much & i don't understand why she won't forgive me. i just want to start fresh with her, even if we have to set boundaries or something again, i don't know. sigh.