can't take it anymore

[britishtvfan]

i'm having such a hard time lately. i had some person in the uk who i thought was a good close friend of mine. there were so many red flags that i didn't see - they didn't show me what they looked like & when i politely asked them they kept making excuses like "so what if i am an old creepy man, it wouldn't make a difference?" & things like that. i get being insecure but she knew what i looked like. i knew her name & age but that's all. i started talking to her on a blogging website because we both liked rock & metal music, old british sitcoms/comedies etc. she was also a violent person as she told me she's beaten people up before in real life. & she shares what she calls "art" which is violent things of blood, people being hurt etc. i should've cut ties with her then. we had an argument because she told me she was going to be there on a certain day after christmas & then she sends me a message an hour before we talk (used to be 3am for me but then 4am because of daylight savings over there) & her message wasn't even apologetic, it was like she typed up some excuse & copied & pasted it to avoid me. i kept apologising to her & admitting my mistakes, trying to work things out for both of us. i liked talking to her because we had inside jokes, we talked about things in common, we roleplayed which i enjoyed (stuff like fanfiction, so we'd act as the characters in a show we both liked & do romance, funny stuff, drama, etc). it made me happy. she was threatening to me although she can't do anything. i'm so hurt & upset by this & i feel so stupid & regretful that i ever joined & talked to her. i can't afford therapy. idk if my meds are working. i just stay up late & sleep in late & my parents get annoyed with me, i understand why but i don't feel like doing anything like going out of the house anymore, i haven't for months, even when i was on good terms with her. she said good things about me like she doesn't want to lose me but she cut ties with me yesterday saying she wants nothing to do with me. accuses me of stuff i never said & did, calls me a narcissist, manipulative, & other hurtful things. i'm in a group online which is for mental health suffers worldwide of all ages trying to support each other in a friendly environment. but i post & they seem to get ignored, like my comments, even when i put trigger warnings. but everyone else's, even worse posts, get approved. i get they're busy. i get left on read & avoided by everyone. i wish i was never born.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Tealflowers

I want to be blunt as well. I've read your last post & the one before.

From what you wrote Monday, she has been as clear about her wishes as she can possibly be. She wants no more contact with you. To respect her wishes you must not attempt to contact again.

You'll need to deal with your feelings yourself, with the help of your psychiatrist, & we can help a little, too. & BB's counsellors can help too.

It's a good idea to delete the accounts you have with the social media where you wer talking before. I know this will hurt. But I agree with Croix, maintaining any link to her will only prolong the pain.

Is it healthy to continue to contact her, who has stated so clearly that she does not want to continue with. She has made up her mind.

If you wanted me to stop writing on your Discussion & I kept coming back, how would that make you feel? Are you able to see her perspective?

I am sorry, I disagree with your mum. Retaliating with empty threats is, in my opinion, immature & does not reflect well on yourself.

I think the best thing now is to take her at her most recent word & leave her alone. She has ended whatever friendship you thought you had or could have. It's over.

If I could give you some tissues, & hold you awhile, I would, because I know, how you hurt right now. 

I know because I have had someone end a 7-year friendship with me, following mistakes I'd made - one big one too many to forgive. It was very painful. It took me a long time to understand what happened, & now I forgive both of us for how our friendship had been. Although It really wasn't the wonderful thing I thought it was, it had some great things about it. I learned a lot, eventually.

We can be here to help you through this.

Big Hugzies

mmMekitty

[britishtvfan]

you're right about the threat stuff. i only did it because she was threatening me. i guess hers was empty, mine was. i'm trying to respect her. i haven't contacted her. it's because i wanted to fix things & be her friend again. she said good things to & about me too. i haven't had a connection with anyone like i did with her. i don't like blunt people, she was blunt but she apologised mostly. i get that i need to be told but it's so hard. i'm a very sensitive person. i'm not trying to be stalking or controlling or any of that. if she didn't say those good things about me & more so, if we didn't roleplay (i still have ideas that i guess i'll never use) then maybe it wouldn't hurt as much, idk. losing her has been different to other people i've lost, i managed to get over those eventually & quicker. like i said yeah i shouldn't have been threatening but she did that to me even though she can't do anything i believe. i haven't contacted her. i'm desperate & messed up, i admit that. i admitted my wrong doings to her. when i said the things i said before her message like the empty threat, i apologised. i don't realise what i'm doing & saying sometimes in the moment. i tried my best to fix things & make it work for both of us. i struggle with giving people space because i have trust issues, fear of abandonment & rejection issues. & she used to say things to me like "you can send me messages if you want while i'm offline, i like reading them". i didn't until she was online usually unless i had something to share with her like a meme. i have photos on my ipad of inside jokes we had, so funny photos of the actors. i know that i'm being selfish & immature. i know no one, professionals included, want to hear me ramble on & on about it. i'm trying my best to get over it. i know i'm being childish. i know i messed up numerous times. i'm still naive, dumb, learning life, etc. i wish she could see that. i would never deliberately harm anyone. i only made the empty threat because she did. it was wrong of me yes. i didn't say i would do anything, i was saying it like if she doesn't apologise & start things over with me. i guess that was a bit forceful but i apologised after it because i didn't mean it like that. i was trying to make her feel the same way as i did with her threats i guess. i know i messed up a lot, many times. i'm trying my best to work on things & i told her that.

[britishtvfan]

i also didn't mean to make my mum look bad by saying that. i guess i shouldn't have done & mentioned that. i apologised to her after it, before i got that message from her.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Tealflowers

Yes, I agree, your mum is not bad. It's just that I don't think her advice was very helpful this time. Some things that we can say, whether we mean them or not, can be powerful & have deep effects on others, so we need to be careful & consider what we are about to say.

& you, Tealflowers, are not 'all bad' either. I meant to say that last night, but, in all my thoughts. I had forgot that. I see you as a person who is sensitive, someone who cares a lot & who has good intentions. Like me, you are very hard on yourself. Have a look at the words you use to describe yourself & I think you will see what I mean. Also, would you try to write a list of things you like about yourself?

I also share difficulties with abandonment, rejection, trust & insecurity. All this on top of a low self-esteem, yeah, makes things very difficult when it comes to friendships. As far as friendships go, I think I'm young, like a teenager.  

Some of what I've learned is to try very hard to think of how the other person might hear what I say & think of things I do, & how they might feel about what I say & how I act.

I've been around a few decades more than you, & I can tell you fore sure, you can't fix everything, most especially when the other person does not want to. Fixing a problem within a friendship takes both of the friends wanting to.

& I'm sure Croix will agree, there are things to learn everyday of our lives. There's a saying, "the more I know, the more I don't know." It's been true for me. When I was young, making my big mistakes, I didn't know just how much I didn't know. That's what it is to be young. You are learning,

I don't think the online world is the best place to learn about how to have friendships. I know, it feels safe because they are so far away, & you are not dealing with each other in the same room.  That's entirely different from texting, phoning, or posting online. The main difference is when you see & hear someone in person you communicate with your whole bodies. We don't get that here on BB, so it happens that we can be confused by things said so easily. I remember. Then it may take days to sort out. It's not ideal, just how it is here.

Big Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear Tayla~

I've just altered this post and re-posted it as while I was writing it you posted abut what your psych had said.

I don't want you to feel split between what your psych is recommending and what you read here. Maybe he has the right idea, I don't know.

I do believe you feel the way you have handled things is a mistake, even wiht the best of intentions.

I think mmMeKitty has given you a great deal of good advice.  Mistakes are made by everyone, and the less experience you have the more likely thay are. Here without meaning any harm I think you have miscalculated the intentions of the person in the UK, and maybe the effect of your own words. The more you tried the  worse it became.

I echo mmMekitty's words "I see you as a person who is sensitive, someone who cares a lot & who has good intentions. Like me, you are very hard on yourself" I would add intelligent and still learning about yourself and others (which is a lifetime project:)

When one makes mistakes or miscalculations then at the time they can assume huge proportions and a person can feel utterly distraught and very harshly blame themselves, not cutting themselves the slack they deserve in a learning episode. If you were not a considerate and good person you would not blame yourself

BTW I don't think you were wrong to let us know what you mum said, at least we get to know the sorts of things you are facing.

As for rambling on and on, we are here

Croix

[britishtvfan]

hi again. i was too scared to say this, but when i saw my psychiatrist on monday, he told me to try talking to her again. he asked "are you going to talk to her again?", i replied "no i guess not, for now, as much as i'd like to." he said that i should try again because of unresolved trauma for both of us, just like i thought he would. he could see how distressed i was & how much i valued the friendship & it made me happy. i told him everything, left no details out. i see her point, & my parents' points. but if i don't listen to my psychiatrist then i get told (in a nice way) i didn't listen & take his advice, & the same with my parents. i am trying to respect her. i won't contact her but if she wants to contact me she can i guess. he said we should talk things over, which is what i'm trying to do, forgive each other & try to start fresh, take it slowly. i was  going to see if he could write a note for me with his professionalism, so he's talking for me. it might help. i've seen my psychiatrist since 2019 when i started on meds & i haven't had an issue. he knows about these things & knows me, how sensitive i am. i have 2 types of depression - dysthymia & major depressive disorder  (or persistent depressive disorder), yes he diagnosed me with  that plus other things. i thought if he wrote something she'd know it was serious & it would be from him, not me. i'd never pretend to be someone else, especially a proffessional. things can't get any worse. i mean yes maybe i did mascalculate. he said it sounds like we both did & said the wrong things to each other & he hopes we can fix it, even in time. i said sorry to her endlessly & i still feel very  guilty & regretful for everything i did & said. i'm willing to say i forgive her & try to, but i need that from her too. i haven't contacted her & won't, i guess i might get that friend who messaged her (who she thought i was impersonating) to send the message from my psychiatrist to her, if he writes one. we'll see i guess. i really am not trying to make this worse, i promise. i am trying to see her POV & respect her. i'm not trying to harrass, stalk, etc. i wasn't aware how i was coming across i guess, like i don't realise in the heat of the moment. i don't think. i admit i messed up. but she did too. 

[mmMekitty]

Hi Tealflowers

What I wrote is my opinion. What you choose to do is for you to decide. I'm not quite sure your psychiatrist told you to contact her again or asked you if that is what you will do. I wonder if that is what you want to do even though you know attempting to contact her again will upset her.

I know for myself, when I've had to end friendships, I did not want those people to try to contact me again. I would block their numbers. If I was on Facebook, or some such, I would block them, 'unfriend' them & anything else I could to stop them contacting me.

If it was a neighbour here, I'd go so far as to call the police if they persisted in harassing me in any way whatsoever.

I would be thinking, I have ended this friendship for an arfing good reasons. Most often it has been because their behaviour has become unacceptable to me. Eveyone has their limits or boundaries. Some people are more flexible about them than others.

When someone does something which goes beyond our boundaries, we can feel offended,we can feel afraid, we can feel disrespected, we can feel hurt, we can feel any of these & more.

When I think of you trying to contact her, even if just once more, I get this image in my head of her, sitting in a room in her home, trying to relax & unwind. &here you come, into her home, & she gets up & runs away. She says, "Leave me alone!" & runs into another room. & you follow. Again, she says, "go away!" & she runs to another room. & although you've heard her, you still keep running after her, insisting she stop & talk to you & be friends agains.

This doesn't look good for either of you.

I know you can imagine another way this can work out. You think if she only will listen then you could have the friendship again. However, you cannot control her decisions.

This is what I've been trying to say. I will leave it there. I can't & don't want to tell you what to do.

More big hugzies

mmMekitty 

[britishtvfan]

i see your point mmmekitty. my psychiatrist did say that though. i'm confused because everyone's saying different things, and if i don't listen to him, he'll say in a nice way i didn't listen, same with my parents, then i get lectured. i was going to try and see if he can write a note to her in a professional way, even if he says we don't have to talk straight away, take it slowly. maybe part of her is confused and might want it back in future, i don't know. i'm not trying to disrespect her and stalk, etc. i just don't know. 

[mmMekitty]

I'm sorry, Tealflowers. I understand you respect the opinions of your psychiatrist, & other people around you. You don't want to upset anyone by making a decision some people may not like.

You are allowed to disagree with me. I'll be fine with that. If you think what your psychiatrist says makes sense & you trust that, I can deal with that too.

If you want to say, 'stop, wait a minute, let me think, let me talk this over some more...' that's okay, too.

You are going to hear different opinions. That's because we are all different people, & there may well be several options for you to choose from.

Ultimately, decisions about your life are your decisions. I am plesed you have people you can talk to about this, because these opinions can help you decide for yourself what you want to do.

Really, I'm trying to not push or pull you one way or another. I'm sorry if you felt I was pressuring you at all. My own fear is that I don't want to see you further hurt. In the long run, I simply can't see a friendship like you want being possible with her, for reasons of her own. 

Maybe ask your psychiatrist to help with the confused thoughts & feelings you are having? Maybe your psychiatrist needs to clarify what was said last week. Would that help?

Thanks for talking so openly. I appreciate how it can be scarey to open up & trust us here.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[britishtvfan]

i really do see everyone's points, hers included. she might be going through things & is confused too, like someone on another forum said to me. i guess we won't know. i thought that if my psychiatrist writes something since she says he doesn't know the full picture, which he does, she might believe him & know i'm not lying & trying to disrespect her. i was going to suggest to her that maybe we could try talking next month, so we still have space. i really don't know what to do. i don't think i could be anymore hurt than what i already am. my psychiatrist knows everything, as do my parents, i didn't leave any detail out. i guess he wants to see me happy again & he knows that i was happy then, she was too so she told me (idk if that was a lie or what), so he's thinking of her benefit too i suppose. i really am  trying to respect her. i just need another chance to prove myself to her, to show her i can work on the things that i've done wrong like messaging a lot, respecting her space, not saying i feel avoided, etc. we both messed up in this situation. she might be thinking things over too, i have no idea. i'm not trying to stalk, harrass, disrespect her, be obsessive/possessive or any of that. i'm only trying to fix things, & try to get her to see that i'm not a liar, narcissist etc. so i thought my psychiatrist could write that. i've known him since 2019 so he knows me better & would be able to confirm all of that. it might be worth a try, i don't know yet. everyone else i've spoken to on other forums (i have posted the exact same things) have said to try talking to her again even in time. my parents are trying to see everyone's pov too. it's a hard confusing situation. if i didn't say i felt avoided & that it's unfair that i talk to her when i'm sick & tired,  this may not have happened, or maybe it would've, who knows. it's just that i've never had a friendship with anyone like i did with her, in a good way. i feel so guilty, ashamed, disgusted, everything bad, in what i've done & said. it should  never have gotten out of hand like this. her threats seem empty & maybe she just said stuff because she was feeling hurt too, in the heat of the moment, i really don't know. i wish i could get her clarification or something. it's not that i'm trying to go against anyone & not listen. i've been sitting here trying to think of the pros, cons, consequences, & so forth too.