What is honesty and how does it affect your mental health?

[quirkywords]

I want to discuss what honesty means to you and your health.

People say that they fake being well, or wear a mask so no one knows their pain.Is this being honest.

When we do not admit our flaws and our behaviours does this make it harder to have insight into our illness and harder to get better?

Do we need to be honest with ourselves and others in order to be well.?

Honesty can be a very subjective personal word. What one people feels is being honest another may feel is not.

For many years I was in denial about my illness so I would admit to myself I was ill, I was not honest.

So what does honesty mean to you? So lets start a conversation. All ideas welcome.

Everyone is welcome to comment, new posters, regular posters, I want everyone's ideas.

Quirky

[smallwolf]

Quirky.- you said you don't like conflict and prefer peace.

What if being honest means having to stand up for something?

There can be healthy conflict and unhealthy conflict. Healthy conflict is where opinions can differ, but each respects the other.

What if seeking peace means going against your point of view or values?

In these moments, should you be able to rock the boat rather than tow the line?

No real answers in my post but thoughts for reflection.

Tim

[sparrowhawk]

Hi Quercus. I know what you mean, it's amazing that what we need comes along exactly when we need it.

It sounds like you are in a very difficult and stressful situation. Does your husband know that your feelings of being run-down and tired are what prevent you from doing what you've agreed to do? From what I gathered, it sounded like you had explained that to him but were not believed. If that is the case, that is even harder.

I think it is good and admirable that you are trying to be honest about something so challenging for you. It sounds like you do respect your relationship with your husband and that you want to be honest with him, and that is very important. Sometimes, though, it is really not easy to be honest about the things that hurt us the most.

The way people point out things can also affect how we share and how we feel. Yesterday I found out (through a third party) that someone was "angry and upset" with me for something they had asked me to do and I hadn't done. I hadn't done it not out of wilful defiance, but because I simply hadn't been thinking properly. The way this was told to me was a big anxiety and depression trigger, throwing me back to the bullying I had experienced. My bad feelings weren't so much because I had made a mistake, but because I had hurt this person. I went to this person I had offended and apologised; turns out she was never angry or upset with me at all, this other person had misread things. I told this person I was angry at myself, but she seemed to think it is because I'm a perfectionist. I'm not angry that I get things wrong. I do have high expectations for myself, which developed through the treatment of the person who bullied me, but at the same time I know I'm not perfect and I make mistakes. I'm angry because getting things wrong makes me feel like a disappointment, and I wish I didn't feel that way.

Maybe some of this will help, even just to say again that I can resonate with what you are feeling.

[quirkywords]

hello everyone

Tim thanks for your thoughts.

"What if seeking peace means going against your point of view or values? "

For me seeking peace rarely means going against my point of view or value, as it is often small things and preferences. If I really disagree with someone I do it respectfully, and have written a thread about this.

I keep the peace by not making a fuss over things that do not matter to me.

Sparrowhawk thanks for your very well written and thoughtful post.

Like you don't like upsetting other people , and I say something to them. I am far form a perfectionist but I hate my actions to upset someone else even if it is unintentional.

I get disappointed in myself especially as I get older and forget things when I used to have a great memory.

I have seen through your posts you are very honest about your emotions and are working out why you think things and behave in a certain way. I feel that honesty will help you grow .

Quirky

[sparrowhawk]

Thanks Quirky. I hate to upset others, almost too much, and that is what drives a lot of my words and actions. It's the feeling of having upset someone, and perhaps of having disappointed them, that makes me feel the worst about myself. I think this actually comes from being told directly that I'm a disappointment and being criticised openly and publicly.

We have a guest staying with us who is triggering me a lot - nice and friendly, but talking a lot about themselves and being almost too confident despite having only met us yesterday. Last night I was cooking dinner for this evening (I work full time, so need to prepare meals the day before) and a couple of the people I live with started giving me some tips - I really welcome that. Later on this guest started commenting (to others and then to me) on why I am cooking the day before and saying 'I don't get it', even after me having explained twice that it's due to my schedule. I was thinking, mate, I just met you today... it made me a bit annoyed and upset with myself too because it made me really feel that I'm simply not good enough.

I also think a lot about happiness and honesty. I am still able to laugh and have a good time with the people I live with, but at the same time I feel very un-motivated about things that I would normally find fun, like seeing friends. Only one of the people I live with knows about my depression, and yesterday they reassured me that they know I am trying my best. That means a lot. I am trying my best to be happy, or even just to appear happy, because otherwise people will wonder or ask questions and I don't want anyone to worry. Plus, I know that listening to my instincts of simply wanting to stay in bed all day, not wanting to go to work, not wanting to exercise or do fun things, will actually be detrimental. So I push myself but that can also make me feel worse because it just exhausts me...that, and denying my feelings and just saying I'm okay so as not to cause concern.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone

Sparrowhawk,

I can see how much you think over things and try to not hurt others.

I think staying in bed if that is possible can be a way to fill up your energy levels but don't feel guilty.

Is there something between staying in bed all day and gout out to work or doing exercise?

Sometimes , I walk up and down my stairs a few time or walk around the garden if I am not up to longer walk.

Think being honest with myself has helped me a bit. I cant run a shop and do much else . Often once I close shop I just lie on my bed . I try not to apologise for needing to rest a lot.

Quirky

[sparrowhawk]

Hi quirky,

Thank you so much for your kind words. Sometimes I think I think too much, especially when I worry that I have hurt or upset someone.

I work full-time and my weekends are quite busy generally with housework. Often when I come home I find myself helping others with tasks instead of resting. I like to help but I do find that I get really tired. Someone at home knows about my depression and told me to take a day off work if I need it. Last weekend they did my chores for me so I could have some time to rest, though I still had an appointment and my own washing so didn't get to rest much. I really do feel guilty about taking time off but maybe I could do it if it gets to that.

I do some gentle walking at home when I don't feel like doing more strenuous exercise. I know I definitely need more sunlight; I work indoors and don't get much time outside. My low motivation is the most difficult part of it all.

[quirkywords]

Hello all

Sparrowhawk

I am pleased you have someone who understands and offered to do your chores.

i think the fact that they about your depression has helped you. Did you tell them ?

You work very hard aomit is natural you will get tired . I know for me to remain healthy I need to stop myself being too tired and by the time I tell people I can’t do things and I try to stop justifying and feeling guilty.

Lack of motivation is hard to deal with but sometimes I just tell myself to strat doing something and I don’t wait for the motivation if that makes sense.

Quirky

[sparrowhawk]

Thanks quirky. Yes, I did tell them a few weeks ago. They said they had suspected something was up. I am not one to disclose things to people, but I have endeavoured to tell a few people in the workplace as I have needed support at work from time to time.

This person who has been supporting me has encouraged me to come home from work early to try and sleep as last night was very disruptive and I was very tense. I am exhausted. I really need some additional rest.

I also follow that technique of pushing myself, it works...generally! though it also makes me feel more tired, because I use energy to force myself to do things.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

sparrowhawk,

thanks for explaining.

I have a question , yes another one.

What is the most dishonest thing you have ever told yourself.

One time many years ago I told myself that I was all together when I was not coping at all.

Everyone could see the chaos of my life except me. I was so far from being honest with myself.

Quirky

[quirkywords]

Greetings everyone,

I wonder if the most dishonest thing we say about ourselves is that we are scared to be ourself, we keep trying to please, to not disappoint, to change so we will really fit in.

We pretend to be happy s day fine and say we are ok when I side deep down we are broken but we keep on smiling . Keep pretending that all is ok, we have a happy mask and we never ever let it slip.

Why is it so difficult yet for us to be honest and just be ourselves. Are we insecure because we afraid we will not fit in and be accepted or liked.

what do you think. ?

quirky