What is honesty and how does it affect your mental health?

[quirkywords]

I want to discuss what honesty means to you and your health.

People say that they fake being well, or wear a mask so no one knows their pain.Is this being honest.

When we do not admit our flaws and our behaviours does this make it harder to have insight into our illness and harder to get better?

Do we need to be honest with ourselves and others in order to be well.?

Honesty can be a very subjective personal word. What one people feels is being honest another may feel is not.

For many years I was in denial about my illness so I would admit to myself I was ill, I was not honest.

So what does honesty mean to you? So lets start a conversation. All ideas welcome.

Everyone is welcome to comment, new posters, regular posters, I want everyone's ideas.

Quirky

[demonblaster]

Hi Quirky and everyone ☺

It's a difficult situation.

I like the replies. Quercus hi darl ☺ would speak to the other person first is a good approach and they'd I think feel obliged to speak up or pull there head in at least knowing that the persons going to find out

I agree with our lovely Paws too hiya ☺ a great deal depends on the relationship with the person. It'd be a great shame to lose a friendship over trying to do right by them although how good is the friendship if they can't see the good intentions and appreciate true friendship.

A very loved friends partner said a very derogatory comment about my friend and said don't repeat it.

It hurt/s like hell the fact that a long term very loving partner said it about her and hearing it. He/they were under maximum stress I know he was venting out. Certainly shouldnt have said it but he did.

There's no way in the world I'll repeat it because there's no way I can think that it'd be constructive for her to know in fact it'd be majorly destructive for no gain to her.

I do both of what Paws and Quercus do but it depends on the situation like this. If he ever said similar again I'd give him a mouthful but as mentioned there's little worse what stress they were under. Doesn't make it right but is a reason and I know his love for hers very strong and genuine. Trouble is I wear it.

I wonder if the friend chooses to say something if she put it in writing cause it sounds like she's not going to like it and as soon as words are said interruptions ? temper etc there's a better chance of being heard fully on paper.

Always Quirky you're a great conversationalist and you do interesting threads. Thank you and for being the lovely person you are

Hope you're well... everyone.

Take care peeps 🌹

[quirkywords]

DB

Thnaks for your well considered comment and I am sorry I did not see it.

I agree with you I would not have repeated the derogatory remark to my friend as there would be no benefits but only hurtful side effects.

I know this is different but when people looked after my shop most would say about all the nice things people said. One person, my now ex, woul seem to take pleasure in negative comments people said andbuse thta as a way to put me and the shop down.

I know people sometimes say negative comments but what use is that to repeat them to me. my friends would pass on a constructive comment and I am always open to new ideas.

My ex would say he was honest but he never mentioned any positive comments.

I had not thought of that for years but your story about your friend reminded me.

The more I think about honesty the more complex it is . Poeple define honesty in different ways.

So do you think honesty is always the best policy?

Quirky

[quirkywords]

Can one be too honest?

friend told a neighbour she liked pumpkins so not offend him and from then on got given pumpkins when my friend did not like pumpkins at all.

How often have we agreed to do something, eat something, go somewhere, try something, when we don't want to, but we want to be polite.

Can we be polite and still be honest or are we forced sometimes to be rude so we can be honest?

I know it isn't that simple but if you are a very sensitive person you can get yourself all wound up in guilt just so you don't hurt someone else's feelings.

I think many of us reading this will have said we were ok when we were not so we don't upset others.

I am interested in what others think?

Quirky

[sparrowhawk]

I lie every day... 'How are you?' 'I'm well/fine'. I really am starting to dislike this question, because most days I feel very flat and un-motivated, not to mention nauseous and tired out of my brain after starting meds. I know people are just being polite, but I would much rather them ask me any other question than how I am. I am all about honesty and transparency, so I really don't like that this is happening. At the same time, I don't want to worry or upset others.

In my honesty journey, something I am doing is learning to politely say no if I really can't commit to something. Saying no is something I have struggled with for a long time; I would just go along with things because I didn't want to rock the boat or displease anyone. I was also afraid that saying "no" would be perceived as self-absorption or rudeness. Guilt guides a lot of my life.

Honesty for me is also closely connected with authenticity, keeping promises, and not spreading rumours or negative gossip about others. I try to live these values as best I can.

[quirkywords]

Hello all

Sparrowhawk, I like your sentence.

"Honesty for me is also closely connected with authenticity, keeping promises, and not spreading rumours or negative gossip about others."

I like that idea of honesty and authenticity.

I knew a friend who would say , when asked how he was he would say better than last week, last month, yesterday etc. So he would pick a time he felt worse and said he was better than that. He wasn't lying and lets face it most people barely listen for your answer.

Quirky

[White_Rose]

Hello Quirky

Haven't seen this thread for a while. It's good to see it back.

I think this question of honesty is similar in some respects to Quercus thread Anxious about language surrounding sexuality... help? It's not about the language used but again about the fear of giving offence. It's perfectly OK to say 'I don't know' when asked a question or another answer indicating you cannot or do not want to answer. When asked "How are you?" I often laugh and say, "Have you got a couple of hours". Those who are not really interested will change the subject. If someone is genuinely interested they will continue and then I can answer or not knowing they understand.

This has not always been the case for me. As I said in Quercus' thread, it does depend on how confident you feel about yourself. Well I have felt very much the ignorant person for many years and felt the biggest fool for not giving the "correct" answer. However in the past ten years or so I have become more self confident. My answers, I hope, are polite but not necessarily informative.

Not changing the subject, but want to give an example. I enjoy watching Selling Houses on TV. In one episode the house had been renovated by the team and the wife had gone away for a few days. When she came home the the host of the show asked what she thought of the changes. I think it was quite obvious she did not particularly like them but probably recognised these changes would help to get her house sold. She said, "Well, it's certainly different". Polite, diplomatic and quite funny I thought, though that was probably not her intention.

When we don't want to give an answer, and lets face it some questions are quite intrusive, that's a good sort of reply to make. Much like Quirky's example above. It's not a case of being honest or dishonest. We are all entitled to our privacy and to decide who we give any information to. We can refuse to get into an argument or support one person against another. The difficulty of course lies in not having a readily appropriate answer. This makes us a little panicky because we have been put on the spot. So we blurt out a reply.

I believe the answer lies in our self confidence and being able to to take a minute to think about what we want to say. The major drawback to this is our life experiences, which have brought us to this discussion. And it's great. We can discuss what to say and how to say it, pick up tips from each other, remember we are valued people with our own opinions.

Mary

[quirkywords]

Greetings all

Mary, thanks so much for your thoughtful comments.

I agree with this sentence of yours.

”I believe the answer lies in our self confidence and being able to to take a minute to think about what we want to say.”

I think that is a great plan but in those moments I often flounder and either go blank and have no answer or I have so many irrelevant words tumble out as you mentioned.

Having a well,prepared reply is handy unless you are asked an unexpected question.

I want to be honest but I don’t want to hurt. if I try to be witty it may come across as rude or sarcastic not my intention.

I wonder since many of us here are very sensitive it makes it harder.

I know from my teaching days if a teacher says something is, unusual, different or interesting they are being polite .

Thanks again Mary.

Quirky

[White_Rose]

The crux of the matter is being able to make a suitable reply. Our own insecurities or sensitivities do make us uncertain and prone to blurt out a reply. It's hard to block someone's questions or comments when it is so personal. I have known people who demand an answer, often on the grounds they are concerned. In reality they just want to know something and the accepted norms of not pushing for an answer just do not operate for these people.

I once tried to do that with one of these people and was told it was none of my business. I had made my comment to show how uncomfortable it was so you can imagine how gobsmacked I was at the reply. However it did give me more courage to not be forced into answering. It really is a form of bullying and maybe if we could remember that we may find a non-committal answer easier to make.

No matter the reasons it all comes back to self confidence. You are quite right Quirky, I wonder since many of us here are very sensitive it makes it harder. It sure does.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi everyone,

It is uncanny how sometimes I log on and read posts that exactly hit on my concern of the moment. Thank you Mary and Quirky and Sparrowhawk. Your posts have helped.

Honesty is a drama at the moment. My other half thrives on debate and logic. I don't. It feels exhausting to have to fight all the time over things that (to me at least) I see as unimportant.

Some days I am tired and have no energy to have to argue. So I agree to keep the peace even if I do not agree at all. The problem with this is although I know I've agreed and try to make the effort to change if I'm run down or just tired I do things my way.

Hubby gets furious saying I am lying. He gets very angry and says I should say if I'm not going to do something, not just agree and do as I please.

He has a point... But I just cannot function with daily debate and arguments. I've tried being honest and it makes it worse. An example is hubby pointing out me binge eating and rather than saying I'll make an effort I said I'm exhausted and I need comfort. My only option at the moment is food and being judged just makes me feel worse and eat more so please just back off about it.

That didn't go down well. Sometimes I feel like whether you are honest or if you say what people want you to say you're stuffed anyway.

Thanks for the reminder that other people find it isn't easy either.

[quirkywords]

Hello Everyone

Quercus,

Thanks for your input into the discussion.

You have written and brought up many pertinent points around honesty and relationships.

I too do not like conflict and want peace . I feel if you agreed to change or try something and you don’t achieve it because you are rundown , sick or it does not work for you that isn’t lying. You tried and it didn’t work.

I think people say be honest but then they get annoyed when your answer is not what they wanted.

It is tricky and I don’t know the answer.

If You are honest and then people get annoyed or feel disappointed or if you agree to something you can’t really do and then you can disappoint and annoy.

Is that the only choice? it feels like that at times.

Thanks Quercus for bringing up these interesting points . I wish I knew the answer.

Quirky