To apologise or not to apologise is that the question?

[quirkywords]

Welcome everyone.

I call myself the queen sorry as I'm always saying sorry whether things are my fault or not .

Someone could tread on my toe and I would say sorry .A friend will be late and I'll say sorry. You get the idea.

I am often being told I say sorry way too much and that could affect my self-esteem..

It is just second nature to say sorry. I am not aware of it until someone points it out.

I thought I know people who never apologize or rarely apologize but no one ever seems to say to them that they should apologise more.

So do you think it is worse to apologise too much or too little ?

I am interested in your personal experiences.

[quirkywords]

Geoff,

If a person was truly sorry and explained it in other words does it matter they did not say the word sorry.

Some I people think they are always right so they don’t need to apologise.
I have been told it is better to not apologise than to be insincere when apologising.

We have all witnessed public figures awkwardly apologising because they have been made to.

David

I just made up the Clayton apology and wondered if people would remember the reference. I did not know it was an expression!!

[quirkywords]

The rising,

Ideally it would be helpful if people could understand how their words or action upset another.

In reality many only apologise because they are made to and don’t really mean it,

when I was teaching , children who misbehaved were put in a thinking chair and had to stay there until they written an apology to the teacher and the student they had upset.

Most students quickly wrote an empty apology . A friend told me about one boy who stayed there for hours as he said he had done nothing wrong and was not sorry.

This was seen as being very obstinate and I think his parents were called. I thought that he was being strong in his convictions as he felt he had been accused of something he felt he had not done.

I too like meanings of words but language is fluid and changes over time. We have so many words now for items that didn’t exist years ago.
Alternative means one or the other, but now people talk about 3 or more alternatives. As I studied Latin that used to annoy me but I think what does it matter, the meanings of words change as society change. Thanks for your thoughtful replies.

David

thanks for explaining thst process,

I feel unless the person feels they are sorry that whole process is like going through the motions to make others happy.
As I wrote before how many times have we heard public figures apologise by reading out a statement some one else wrote and they don’t mean a word of it.
Thanks for your contributions to the discussion.

[amberlite]

Hi to all and Quirky, I love your brain and your input. I have the annoying habit of automatically apologizing, so if we ever bump into each other, its gonna be a sorry fest. For me it is an appeasing habit, I bow down before others- I was hit to much as a kid but that's ok, I was no golden child prize. Funny thing happened last week, at lunch I drove to town to the bank, things took longer than expected. So I tear out the bank just as an older lady was coming around the corner. As I pulled myself up, I automatically said 'Im sorry' and the old Aboriginal woman replied ' you didn't do anything wrong love' and as I got in the car I noticed all the NADOC celebration stuff. Which left me confused about, what I just apologized for ? Yep and I am sorry if this post is irrelevant!!

[Guest9337]

quirkywords said:

I just made up the Clayton apology and wondered if people would remember the reference. I did not know it was an expression!!

Interesting, very interesting. Some say culture is all the things we forgot we learned, yet still know.

The Claytons apology is a known aussie political tool! Just hilarious hey.

I prefer my whiskies with more kick than a Claytons.

[geoff]

Hello Quirky, Claytons was not my 'cuppa tea', I'd much prefer a whiskey on the rocks as David does with or without ice cubes.

I guess you're right, there are other ways to say sorry and if they could explain it in other words then that's an apology but not if they inferred you as being the problem, then it's not being sorry and that's what happened to me, it was always my fault.

My best.

Geoff.

[quirkywords]

Amberlite

thanks for your post ..

Yes we would definitely have a sorry fest.
I smile about your story and the old lady.
I think I say sorry to avoid conflict.

When I hear people saying sorry too much I wonder why they do it.

[quirkywords]

Geoff

I can relate to things always being your fault. That happened to me so an apology was turned back into as I said before you bring out the worst in me.

I was also blamed for an ex being ill, and when he lost his drivers license fir drink driving it was my fault as I don’t drive, which he knew when we met.

So maybe I say sorry to avoid being blamed. I get in first.

[Guest9337]

Afternoon quirkywords,

Seems to me that the ex losing his driving license for drink driving is something like 99.999999% his fault.

Maybe a billionth of a percent not his. ex needs to grow up and accept responsibility for his actions.

I know, maybe its the governments fault for making up laws about dui whilst still permitting bars, pubs and bottleshops.

Maybe his dui was Dan Murphy's fault all along!

[amberlite]

hello to all and Quirky, yes I definitely agree with saying sorry to avoid conflict. Maybe you ex was trying to trigger you and to drag you down to his level, some aggressive type really enjoy conflict. So I am happy for you that, he is now only in your rear view mirror. Today I was thinking about my habit of offering sorry, to ease an uncomfortable moment and I love you for pushing my mind because for me, sorry, it is a secondary reaction. First I feel an uncomfortable feeling and physically my chest compresses a bit and then I emotionally react with an immediate sorry. Like throwing a cup of coffee on a potential fire. I have been doing this for so long it is automatic, I grovel for the sake of peace and no harm. Thank you guys for talking about this topic it has been an eye opener for me. Quirky and all others on the sorry squad I hope this self discovery is helpful- as all your posts open my minds eye. Bye

[Guest9337]

This is a pretty great topic, thanks for having it up!

I have discovered something about myself today...

Expressions of "sorry" that are not backed up with action, trigger anger in me.

Noticing repeated expressions of "sorry" in the form of the non-apology apology is even more triggering!

For example from one forum I visit on the far, wide and very complex internet, I have received the following.

"We are sorry again to hear that you think you have been poorly censored."

Does that person feel sorrow about hearing my position on censorship?

Is even my communicating with that person so painful to them that they are sorrowful by whatever I say?

Seems to me that if one expresses "sorry" over and over that the person doing so is making themselves ever sorrier and thus more sorrow filled, until all they have is being sorry for being sorry, ever spiraling down.

Looks like a depression trap to me, and I am sorrowful that some live that experience.